The worst part is that it never ends.

The feelings are quite normal for what we as caregivers are doing, but remember why you do what you do? Do you do it because you want to? Why?

There is an end in time, but also do not allow yourself to be overwhelmed to where you will feel guilt in the end.

I made a valid choice to be a caregiver to aging my mom. I am not only dealing with Alzheimer's and she can barely get my name right, but my mom has a broken leg that isn't going to heal. So my mom not only is unable to walk but she has the Alzheimer's to boot. Outside of this my mom is healthy.

Caregiving is not an easy job and I wouldn't say it was, but I focus on using humor and looking at the positives over the negatives. Yes, I get negative for awhile and then I think back to why I do what I do, then I am back on track.

You know what makes me laugh and keeps me entertained is what happens to us in the bathroom. In fact, I am writing the stories down because so many bathrooms are not what I would call ADA compliant for a person in a wheelchair with a caregiver. We have had some the funniest adventures in the bathroom or revolved around going potty, that those are the stories that make me laugh and keep me focused.

As a child, my mom would carry a huge coffee can for us to go to the bathroom on the edge of the road because my dad hated to stop and go to the bathroom. One time we were on a road with very few gas stations and no rest stops. My mom had to go to the bathroom and she had just had a bladder infection, so we had to do something. So my husband and I pulled over to the edge of the road. He got her potty chair out, we put it by the wheel of the truck. He got a big blanket, we took her out of our truck and put her on the potty outside. We hid her with a blanket, she did her business and we loaded everything up to go on down the road. We all laughed about it! I sent my 3 sisters a text to share the story of how I got to pay mom back for making us use the coffee can when we were kids. My younger sister was the only one who enjoyed the story like I did.

These are the stories that make me laugh and deal with the humor of the situation. It is the humor and the fun of the stories that keeps me going. My mom laughs at everything now even when it really isn't funny, so I have learned to look at things and laugh with her.

This is my 2nd parent that I am losing in a harsh way. My dad's passing was a challenge as well. But I choose to look at what I am doing as a privilege and not as a big chore.

So I am not trying to belittle or anything like that regarding your feelings, but try to focus on why you are doing something. Dementia and Alzheimer's are horrible diseases that are unfair. As caregivers, we struggle with dealing with it, but what about your parent? How do you think your loved one is feeling inside? I always wonder what goes through my mom's head sometimes and I wonder if she realizes what is going on? And I know if she knew it would come to this she would not be happy with it. So while it is tough on us as the caregiver, it is also tough on the parent because I know my mom would prefer not to have this disease if it was her choice.

Man, are you right about it never ending.. I get up at 4:30 and have about 4hours in the morning - IF Mom decides to sleep until 8:30 which isn't always the case. I cherish this and hae so much energy at this time of the day. Then, as soon as I hear Mom stirring I become exhausted. It changes on a dime. Mom is a real drain on me, but thanks for the music hint. I have been playing the piano when she gets pissy which is quite often and that takes me away to another world. Especially hymns and that calms me down plus she sems to be a little more pleasant or maybe it is jsut because I'm focused. I have to agree with you music is an antidote. I used to have a radio station on all day when I'm home but I dont' have it on when she's here. Maybe I should go back to having it on. She has only been her full time for three months and I want someone to shoot me. Kind of Lol, but kind of not.

Dunwoody,
Such a thought provoking insight you have. I often feel as if I am in a bus getting ready to go off a cliff, bit by bit.
The thing I miss the most is just being " myself ". It's as if I am someone else and the real me is lost. I have very, very little time to myself and the fatigue is awful.
We have hospice care, thank god. The chaplin tells me all the time that my rewards will be great, I am special, blah, blah,blah, But I just want to yell sometimes and scream " I just want this over with. I want my own life back".
And I pray everyday that it will be over soon.
My father-in-law is in his final stage of copd and it is the most awful thing I have ever encountered. My own mother passed away of lung cancer five years ago and it was never this frustrating. She never, ever complained about anything, other than feeling lonely sometimes. She was strong, inquisitive, independant and beautiful to the very end.
Watching my fil,all I see is a peterified man who is manipulative, bossy and never, ever sorry about anything. He orders me around like a waitress, very seldom says thank you and literally sucks the joy out of my life. The hardest thing is the big act he puts on for everyone else. I have also dealt with the guilt, because I do not like the man, but I love my husband and I have to be here for him. I am not rude or mean to him, but sometimes I say something sarcastic, because he has told me the weather 20 times that day already.
I thought taking care of him, would enable my husband and him, to mend the bridges of the past and really , finally develop a strong father-son relationship. Sadly, it has not. He also lied to us about his disease ( told us he had mesothelioma ), but has copd/emphysema. There is no way to tell how much more time she has, but the hospice people say soon. The only time I have had a break was when he was in the hospital last year and a respite with hospice, which I had to beg him to go for four days.
I am tired, angry and always in pain ( back, head and stomach ). It's all stress related. But, these two men never seem to notice or care that I need a break.
I know I do too much, but that's me.
I am sorry to ramble on, but this site does help.
Good luck.

You all echo my sentiments. She's my mother-on-law. I don't like her. She never like me, but she's now my charge. I finally put her in diapers and a 30x30 pad sometimes won't keep the sheets and blankets from getting soiled. I have a wash going all the time. Lots of laundry soap and bleach!

When her doctor said take her to the ER for the diarrhea and confusion two weeks ago, he said would admit her to the Behavioral Unit from there to work on her "confusion", they admitted her for chronic diarrhea instead, called in a GI specialist for 1 stinking consultation. They kept her 4 days, didn't put her in the Behavioral Unit, didn't treat her diarrhea, and sent her home with no treatment. Absolutely no treatment whatsoever. I just got 4 days off. What a relief that was, though. But, she can't get to a potty any longer, has no control of her bowels, and I'm changing her like a baby now. Like Deefer12's Mom, although my MIL is now 93 and has diabetes, CHF, cardiomyopathy, HBP, high cholesterol and a couple of other crappy things, she appears to be in excellent health. My doctor told me she would have died over two years ago were it not for the good care we were giving her here at home. I think I told that before. How can I not? still can't bring myself to give here real syrup or sugared drinks, etc.

I honestly believe she will outlive me. One of her siblings said early on "Jan, this will make or break your marriage. It will either bring you closer together or it will drive you apart." Well, my friends, it's driving full speed now. If she doesn't pass pretty soon, I can't take it much longer. I've told him that , but those words fall on deaf ears. I've given leaving so much thought, but leaving is such a difficult thing when this is my home, too. Who will take care of the animals? They're all geriatric and he might as well shoot them all. I love the all like children. Even my goats. Nobody would take them to care for. I can't afford to pay rent on my own and still pay utilities and buy food and medicine.The thing is, I really don't want to leave my home. I just don't want her in it any longer. I don't want her to die in it. If she does, I want that room closed off and sealed shut forever.

I've spoken to the Area Agency for Aging who referred me to the Caregiver Support Group. I'm in a quandry and no matter who I talk to, no one knows the answer. They put me on a list for respite, but said I should understand it's a looong list.

Our son, who lives in her house and is actively looking for a job now, still hasn't found one. I don't think he could make it on his own anyway. I believe he will need support his entire life.

Her family keeps saying "we really appreciatae what you are doing for our sister, aunt, cousin, etc" but not one will lift a finger to help. Not one will contribute $.05 to help. I know you all experience the same thing. I want to tell them when they call that they are just saying empty words and I don't want to hear them.

OK, time to go clean her up. She called for potty duty and it's always after she has done her business in the bed. No big hurry anymore. At least it's a more relaxed atmosphere around here now. That's a plus.

Please remember - EVERYTHING IS IMPERMANENT!!! It WILL come to an end, and that could be tomorrow. I care for mom with dementia and can definitely relate to the frustrations, but please don't increase your suffering by projecting your imagination into the future regarding duration and further decline. Living in the present moment is the best tool to cope with unpleasant circumstances and avoid getting caught up in fear based in fantasy. As Mark Twain said "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened".
Blessings to all.

You're right it never will end will it.....

My gosh I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was the only one who was loosing there mind. Long story short. Husband has Alzheimers along with end stage renal disease. We were going to divorce about 14 years ago but then he had a heart attack and I decided it was my duty to care for him. Now all of this. To make matters worse my daughter said she heard him on the phone last week talking to a old girlfriend of 40 years ago and asking her "where did they go wrong" and here I am the one changing his diaper. His family wants nothing to do with helping. So its me and I can't go on much longer. I have truly lost my identity.

Hi folks,
I don't think that taking care of an elder is like taking care of a child and I firmly believe they deserve our respect ( ummm, not that I don't think we should be able to come on here and let our feelings rip-that is different-we need to vent) I mean I try not to belittle my Mom with child like platitudes. BUT-I have to say- not all Moms are raising a child that will someday grow into an independent adult. My daughter has special needs and will, most likely, need me to help care for her throughout her whole life-or some adult at least. She has metal retardation from a syndrome called Rubenstein-Taybi. So while many of you may think how hard it is to take care of an aging adult ( and it is!) but not as hard as taking care of a child just , please, remember there are us Mom and Dads out here who take care of our children knowing that that same child will not some day go off to college, get married and become a parent themselves. Some of us take care of our child with the simple hope and prayer that that child lives a full life, free of the health problems that worry us so.

Jeanne is right Sujean! Your mom will get worse, just the way it is. If she can't come up with the right word, don't stress over it. If she is calm, just ignore it and move on. If she is struggling to find the right word, quickly reassure her then redirect her attention to something else. You have to learn to live with this disease so she can too. When you can come to terms with what is happening, it will make it easier on her.
My mom holds her breath all the time when she is sleeping. Sometimes when she is awake too! She clamps her mouth shut tight and puffs her cheeks out and even turns purple! She sleeps well with Seroquel, for most of the night, but by morning, she starts up with the holding her breath, so I get up early every morning and check on her and if she is doing this, I roll her onto her side and she stops. She will sleep for another hour at least, because she has worn herself out doing this. It used to scare the crap out of me, but now it's just part of the routine. The neurologist said it's a "habit" Mom started and now it's just a part of what she does.
I have Restless Leg Syndrome and have a hard time getting a good night of sleep myself, so I had to learn to keep Mom safe at night and try to sleep myself. She has not been able to get out of bed on her own for almost 2 years now. That is a blessing in itself, just knowing she will not try to get up on her own and is waiting for someone to help her.
Talk to your mom's doctor and see if they can prescribe something for her anxiety and to help her sleep. In the meantime reassure her you are nearby and will be there if she needs you. Get a bed rail for the side of her bed and put pillows under her mattress cover on either side of her, so she can't get up in a hurry. This will allow you time to get to her if she needs you.
Like Jeanne said, learn all you can so that you know what to expect and don't stress mom by trying to make her remember or do things she can no longer do. Good luck to you and your mom!

Sujean, I have sleep apnea and I sleep MUCH better with the CPAP machine, but I understand that probably isn't practical for someone with dementia. It is scary to have the air passages close hundreds of times a night, but the body always recognizes the danger and opens them up immediately. The problem is with not getting good quality sleep, but this condition is not fatal. (I was glad to read that when I was diagnosed!)

Get a baby monitor so you can hear her from your own bed. Put a shop bell on her bedroom door so you can hear if she wanders out of her room. Getting dressed in the middle of the night is not fatal, either.

Sujean, I urge you to get some education about this hateful disease. There is something seriously wrong in your mother's brain. Depending on the exact kind of dementia she has, there may be tangles, plaques, protein deposits or other abnormalities that can be seen and identified in an autopsy. Her brain may be shrinking. She cannot help this. You cannot fix this. You cannot convince them that this is faulty thinking because their thinking is faulty! In some kinds of dementia some learning can take place, at least in the early stages, but that isn't always the case. Loss of words seems to come and go. Please don't distress her by "testing" her and asking her to name what is on your wrist. If she doesn't know the word "watch" today, so be it. Help her communicate in spite of the lost words. Just don't expect if you tell her it is a watch now she will remember it in ten minutes. (One night my husband said he had to get up and would I bring the wheelbarrow. I said, "Sure thing, honey. Here's the wheelchair. Let me help you in." It would have been pointless and mean to call his attention to his wrong word.)

Think of how terribly, terribly frightening it would be to not know the names of familiar objects. To be confused, and to know you could no longer count on thinking correctly. Wow! What a hateful disease!

I always tried to comfort my husband when he was frustrated by his loss of memory and cognitive skills. I'd tell him, "Hon, you have a very good brain and you are very well educated. You are a smart man! But right now the disease you have isn't letting your brain work quite right. But don't worry, when that happens I'll look out for you."

The key is Mom can't help this. You can't fix this. She is healthy in other ways and this could go on for many years. Do your best to comfort her and minimize her distress. At the same time, you need to take care of your needs and your marriage.You need respite on a regular basis. And you need to sleep in your own bed!

Jeanne and Dee, thank you for your comments. The reason my mom wants me to sleep with her is she is scared and insecure. When she sleeps on her back she snores with her mouth wide open and sometimes stops breathing so I have to make sure she gets on her side. It really scares me. Maybe sleep apnea, but she wouldn't and couldn't wear that mask thing. I'm afraid she might get up in the night and wander around. Sometimes she wakes up at 2 am and thinks it is time to get up and dressed. If Im there in bed I can keep her sleeping, by telling her it is the middle of the night. I don't think I could sleep peacefully not knowing what she may be doing. She is constantly hiding things in socks, under pillows and other places so the people can't steal them. Why can't you convince them of their faulty thinking? Is it because they can't reason?
Mom couldn't think of the word watch when I pointed to my watch. She says I know it. Then I said, you just can't find the word. Try to think hard, sometimes she knows and sometimes doesn't. She said whats happening to me, I used to be able to do it. Just wondering she can't say the word because of her memory or is it the communicating skill. You would think that you could retrain some of the lost skills. You still can grow brain cells. I find great comfort in everyones input and knowing that Im not alone in this fight.

bwatkins, we have all had those feelings at some time during this whole mess. It comes from stress, sadness, and hopelessness. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get your life back. We all do!

Is it bad of me to really really want it to end????

Sujean, Jeanne is right on in her remarks. I have been caring for my mom for many years, and for the past 5, it has been full time. She used to accuse me of all kinds of things and get very angry and hostile. She too has a strong heart, but the PD has taken it's toll as well as the dementia. She is down to 100lbs and has been incontinent for almost 3 years. She can't feed, wash, or dress herself and is always in motion.
It's definitely a lot of work and very challenging emotionally and physically. It's somewhat easier since she has been in a wheelchair. She doesn't get into things or try to "escape", or fall down anymore. I haven't placed her because she is so manic. It will be hard when I finally have to, as she will have to be "chemically" restrained to keep her safe. Unfortunately the laws that keep facilities from using restraints on people also force them to use meds to keep people like my mom from getting hurt.
Don't argue with or try to correct your mom. It doesn't work and only stresses you out. Just agree with her and try some of Jeanne's suggestions. They do work. AS for repeating yourself over and over, that is something we all live with and have to learn to stop and walk away some tin=mes, just for our own sanity!
As for sleeping with your mom, I don't think that is a good idea. It may be rough for a while, but try reassuring her that you are right there in the next room and if she needs you, you will hear her. get a baby monitor so you can hear her. I would suggest a bell at her bedside, but that could be a disaster in the making.
We are all doing our best and none of us likes being in this situation, but we do have choices and knowing when to make the right one is hard.
You are not alone! Just remember that! Good luck!

Ah Sujean, we all hate this disease! And it is certainly at least as hard on the caregivers as it is on those with dementia. Hugs to you.

Your mom is never going to be normal again. In fact, dementia progresses and she will get worse. Personally, I think that accepting that fact and not trying to "cure" any aspect of it is ultimately less stressful.

For example, she thinks people are stealing from her. (Very common and very annoying.) Instead of arguing about whether there are people stealing thinks try semi-going-along. "Oh mother, that is terrible! Your reading glasses are missing? I can't imagine who else would want them, so maybe I misplaced them. Let me look for them for you." Sometimes the person with dementia has hidden the item to keep it safe and then forgets that. Often they use the same "safe" places over and over and it becomes easier to find them. You are right that she will never believe you (at least now) so stop frustrating yourself by trying. Take a different approach. This behavior did not last long for my husband and it dropped out after a few months. Let's hope that's how it works for your mother!

On the clothes, I would unjam the closet and weed out the drawers. When she "doesn't have any pants" you can go "shop" for some among the things you removed. Keep recycling her wardrobe this way! If she loves to shop, find a nice consignment shop or thrift store she can buy things inexpensively once in a while.

About the magazine and poster and tv people? You are right that it never gets through to her so don't bother telling her they are not real. There is no harm in her waving at them or talking to them. You might say, in passing, "That's a very attractive friend you have."

Sleeping with her is a different issue. That is beyond your role as a caregiver. I don't have any experience with that but I suggest you start a new thread by posting that issue and asking for other people's experience. I don't know how old your mother is, but she is in good health. Are you willing to sleep with her for the next ten years? Yikes!

If the time comes that she needs a nursing home and she can't afford it, that is where Medicaid comes in.

Yup, dementia is a terrible, terrible disease. I hate it!

I to hate this dementia disease. I feel trapped and sometimes just sad that my life is going by and Im not enjoying it. I get so angry everyday telling mom that there are no people stealing things. I know that she will never believe me but its just so crazy. Everyday she says I don't have any clothes. She has at least 15 pants and tons of nice sweaters, jackets and such. Her drawers are jammed and her closet is stuffed. I can't seem to convince her that she has lots and lots of clothes. At times it really gets on my nerves and Im just not nice. My mom thinks pictures or posters of people on walls in the stores are real and she talks and waves to them. She thinks magazines and tv people are real. I keep saying mom, they are just pictures and they are not real. People on tv can't see you. It never gets thru to her, so I don't know why I keep on saying it. I guess I just want her to be normal again and not have this crazy disease. She is also in great health, and I always think what good is it to be fit as a fiddle but your mind is gone. I haven't been able to sleep with my husband for a year now that my mom won't sleep without me. It makes me so sad as you think that once your kids are raised that it should be your time. Mom wants to be with me every single minute so that is just the way it is. Caregiving is hard for me and I feel like Im crying inside. I guess taking care of mom is like caring for a disabled child. At some point when she doesn't know me and looses control of using the bathroom , then it may be a nursing home. How do you pay for that? The costs are so high. Im just so thankful to know that there are others that feel stuck in this cargiving role. It helps me cope with dealing with this situation. So thanks to everyone that shares their story here! It keeps me keepin on!

I hate when people say that to me. Who the hell do they think they are? I am no martyr, I do it because I want to. I will tell you one thing for sure, my mom would be absolutely mortified at her behavior with alz. if she were in her right mind....absolutely mortified. My mom is completely healthy except for the Alzheimer's....It's the saddest thing.

Thanks, Dixiegirl. Yes, I think the worst part is that it never ends. In one respect, it's like raising a child, but you know that child will grow and mature and you will see progress. With an elderly parent, there is no progress. Only decline. I've been doing this for a little over two years now and I am totally burned out. I have no idea how you have survived nine years. And it does help to know that you are not alone in this situation. Thanks to this site, I realize there are so many in our situation. It doesn't make our lives easier, but it does make us realize that we are not totally alone.

I am so thankful for finding this site recently and learning so much already from so many great people out here who are honestly sharing. First off Dunwoody101 - well said. I have been a caregiver for my father and now my mother over the past 9 years. Mom is now in a NH as she has exceeded home care. It doesn't ever end. I searched and found this site due to the extreme level of burnout I have been experiencing of late. I have put my life on hold for too long now and there is no apparent end in sight. It's extremely hard and you cannot understand it unless you have lived it. Thank you to all who share their stories - it really helps to know you are not alone in this living hell.

Just know we are all here for you. We understand. My moms Alzheimer's has made her a mean, horrible woman. Not all the time, but enough of the time, enough that it hurts, even though I fully realize it is not her fault. My mother died a year ago as far as I am concerned. I am caring for the shell of the person. I am
exhausted, I sleep on her schedule, which frustrates the heck out of me. Last night she awoke at 3 am, we were up until 6am. I went to sleep again when she did and we got up at 11am....I cannot stand that part of it.

Thank you Iwuvsicecream you saying what you said about caring for an elder with dementia. When mom felt the love and began to trust me....she become the sweet person I remembered. I remember the last week we would sit at the edge of her bed I would rub her back and she would lean her head on my shoulder. Just sitting there and holding her not saying a word. It was priceless and I felt her letting her guard down and letting me help her. She felt safe..and I saw more of my sweet mom finally the last week of her life.
It's hard not feeling the resentment...I get that. It's human to feel the dread when you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But after I came to terms with the disease and knew that this wasn't my mom. I learned how to care for her better. Get passed all the frustrations. My mom is finally at peace, and I am so glad I never gave up on her. God bless you all for what you are doing.

Sooooo glad to read your posts. I never had kids, but I get it that it's NOT the same. People who don't have to deal eith the dementia as the main caregiver do.not.have.a.clue. (my sisters!)

jeannegibbs In some ways they are like children and in some ways not.
A child at 2 years old, does not know right from wrong, danger vs. safe. A child remembers how to get to the candy and always wants sweets and if you find evidence of sneaking candy they will lie about it, out of fear of you getting mad. A child at a certain age does not share things, or want to be told what to do, take a bath, eat healthy foods, they lie about things "just because". A child test your patients and your security. A child needs to be guided and watched, not left to fend for themselves. A child can't be trusted to take medicine on there own or cook a meal, go shopping on their own. A child needs to be reminded that it's cold out and to dress appropriately.
A child hears music and reacts in a joyful way. A child needs to be loved and cared for because that's where they feel comfort. If a child does not sleep well they get cranky. If a child does gets sick, they don't know exactly how to tell you how they are feeling, and knowing the child's personality and behavior change you know something is not right just by looking at them.
I saw a woman at the NH....Crying.... "I want my Mommy, I want my Mommy!"
One day I witnessed my Mother saying to the aide as she dresses her "Thank You Mommy!" then Mom hugged her. I was so jealous, because Mom didn't really think that the aide was her Mom, she said it in a kidding manner, what I witnessed was Mom's affection and appreciation knowing the aide cared about her. Days later she said the same thing to me, because I was helping her with something, she actually let me do so, on that day.
Yes caring for an Elder with Dementia is not like caring for a child, but in many ways it is. I have gotten angry at people for insinuating it's like taking care of a child myself, because they don't understand the fact that, you can not discipline an elder with dementia. You can not teach them something today, so they can learn it for tomorrow.
The only thing you can do for an Elder or a child is keep them safe and healthy and love them for who they are until you have to let them go.

2tsnana I must say my Mom.... if I were to put her on a scale and weigh out the good and bad Mom issues I would give her no weight on house keeping, no weight on picking me up from school when it was bad weather, no weight on making sure I ate healthy all the time, no weight on helping me with school work, all I really can give her is all the weight on, she made me confident as a human being by not spoiling me, the only time I remember her giving in, was when I was sick. She taught me how to survive on my own and care for others when they cannot care for themselves. If you want or need something no one is going to give it to you... you have to work for it. She also told me, a lot, .... "Your a pain in the ass!"
"You will see someday everything I do, do for you, and you'll appreciate what I don't do for you!"

I don't have children but my sister has three boys and I told them a long time ago. I will never spoil you with lots of gifts or money, you get that from your Mom and Dad and your Grandparents.
I told them since they we little....
"Give a man a fish feed him for a day....
Teach a man to fish feed him for a lifetime!"
I also told them....
"It's nice to important, but more important to be nice!"
I told them you may not understand these words now, but if you remember them I have given you something you will appreciate one day and thank me, because if I teach you something, you will be able to fend for yourself and if you are nice to people you will be treated nicely in return.

I was the youngest of three my brother the oldest is mentally disabled, my sister is supposed to be the smart one. He was sheltered and she was protected by my dad for being scholarly and able to handle money...LOL neither can deal with a situation without confronting my Father to this day. My brother really grew up in a way, because he was forced into having to. My sister still has no idea how to handle stress, if there is not a book on "IT" she has no clue. If you can't pay to fix "IT" she is lost.
My Mother has Dementia yes.... hated me for helping her, fought me the whole time, but when I looked her in the eye, asked her "Do you trust me to take care of you?" when I need her to trust "ME" the most... she looked back at me and said
"YES, YES I DO!" I nearly went into shock, then she said "your a pain in the ass!"
The point of all this is maybe the reason why the majority of us here felt neglected as children, is because, out of that came strong willed, loving caring people, who knows what it's like to be needed. Just maybe we were meant to be here for some reason, it's just not in us to turn away because we have lived it.

I'm with you Jesse! I have 6 sibs and rarely see any of them. they don't even call to ask how Mom is doing. they all have jobs, money, houses, and go on vacations whenever! I haven't been away since June of 2011 and that only happened because I booked a flight to the other side of the country and then told them they would have to cover while I was gone! Look's like I will be doing that again soon!
And yes Jesse, I here"you will certainly earn your place in heaven!" I llok right at them and say " I want to go to hell first and have some fun!" the reactions I get are priceless!

Sounds like everyone might enjoy listening to Roy Clark's "Thank God and Greyhound."

One of the things I am most uncomfortable hearing -- and I hear it a lot around Birmingham -- is how good it is that God brought me here. I nod, but what I'm really thinking is that I must have been terrible in some past life and got sent to hell in this one.

Seriously, it was my choice to be here, and to quit would be to fail. I don't want to fail at what I'm doing. I would like to feel a bit more inspired while I'm not failing, though. My greatest inspiration now is in looking at the complexities of family relationships and trying to understand how things got the way they did. This is probably the biggest reason that I am not upset with my uninvolved brothers. Mostly I think they are the sane ones, and I shouldn't be upset with them for not being as crazy as I am.

Same mystery here ...and agreed too much going on to dwell on something I cannot change..thanks for the hug Dunwoody 101...I downloaded your book and look forward to reading it :-)

I know exactly what you are saying. My mom was hardly a mom. Self centered and putting herself ahead of her kids, when my dad raged against his children (and he was a nut job), she never protected her kids. She only felt sorry for herself that she was in such an unpleasant situation. Hell, even animals protect their young more than my mom did. I guess the one emotion I feel more than anything is resentment. I have no idea why I am such a good son. It's the mystery of my life. But I've got enough to drive me crazy without dwelling on this as well.

My mom did not take good care of me she was an absent mom...so when people tell me that I am giving back what I got as a child it makes me furious....I was in therapy to get through this. I have done a much better job of taking care of her..why ? Because I am all she has and no matter what she did or didn't do I could not abandon her and believe me in the past 15 years I have wanted to many times, but I knew it was not right..the therapy was to help me get over being angry so she would not die and me still be mad. I am not mad, but I am tired...

Dunwoody101 I am going to say "Thank You!" to you!!!! You defiantly deserve a Gold star. Sharing your input and not being afraid to express your negative emotions here is good for us all. You don't seem to feel guilt, you seem to feel anger, that's what it seems to me, from this post. This is because you are facing it full force, not running. Your reward will someday come to you when are comforted by the feeling of knowing you did everything you could, and that is all any of us can do!!! You are using your experience to help others so they can learn how to cope, you should be proud of yourself. I have witnessed family throwing their own relatives under the bus for doing what is right.
Just a tidbit of something you might find amusing...
My Mom used to yell when I was a teen for blasting Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd,
Bad Co. Ozzy Etc. "Shut that crap off your going to drive me crazy!!!"
She can still hear a pin drop now. When she was living with me (dementia) I would play the same type of classic rock music "I'd say is it too loud, Mom, I'll turn it down or change the music?"
She'd say "Oh no I like that music turn it up!!!" I'd say "OK COOL" she's ask "who is this?" I'd tell her "the same band you used to hate and you'd say it gave you a head ache!" ....Mom said "I don't have a head ache now." I'd laugh inside, and say to myself... maybe not you.... but I felt like I am going crazy, and I have a head ache every day.