Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

There's been a lot of chat here about the nature of and existence of narcissism. For anyone struggling to understand what this all about, check out the Caregiving Topics on this very website. Some of them cover narcissism and in particular caring for a narcissistic elderly parent. I refer to these articles when the situation with my mother gets very difficult. They help me to refocus on what I need to do to stay sane, and they validate my own feelings. If you suffer abuse from a narcissist, be warned: reading about what are essentially your own experiences can be very distressing. If you have never been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, they will mean nothing to you. Just thought I should point this out.

Shell,

I feel ya Sister!!

(((Hugs)))!

Xray,
In truth, I don't know how well I am surviving. I guess, it is like any thing else in life, some days are good and some days are bad. What I am trying to say, some days I feel like a survivor and other days not so much. But I think that is just part of taking care of a person who truly hates you for being born and who has NPD!

Oh I forgot, it is just a word or label!! That was in no way at you Xray!

Your welcome!!!

Shell,

Thanks so much for sharing!!

You're amazing and a true survivor!!

Haileybug,

"I have never in my life heard of a narcissistic mother. Never." These are your exact words. I went back and reread your response.

Since it appeared as though you didn't know anything about NPD, I simply let you know that it is an actual diagnosis.

It seems as though you didn't grow up with a narcissistic mother.
I'm truly glad for you!!

You're response led me to believe that perhaps you felt as though narcissistic Mothers were like unicorns or the tooth fairy.

Since, as you say, you care for many different types of mental disorders, I thought it might be worth while for you to know about NPD.

Beyond that, when I posted this, I was in great turmoil and distressed.
Apparently, many other posters are as well !

Being a caregiver requires a moral compass and at the very least, compassion.

Thank you NHWM!🤪

Shell,

I couldn’t agree more with everything you just said!

🙌 Bravo!

Gee, if narcissistic is just a word or label then why do I have the scars of my mother leaving me alone at 3 yrs old in the middle of the night because I couldn't go back to sleep from having night terrors and she couldn't be bothered. Or how she let my brother abused me and she would look at me and say, "oh well, stop crying." My mother felt nothing for her kids. She gave us no love, no hugs, no that girl. In fact, she went out of her way to hurt us. My mother is cold as ice and always has been.

Haileybug,
Do you really think it is normal for a mother to hurt her children? Or for a mother to steal from her kids? Yes, I said, "steal." My mother has taken anything & anyone she could from me! Animals, toys, clothes, cheap earrings, money anything that brought me joy, she took it. It started when I was 3 yrs old. What do you think a 3 yr old says to herself when her mother decided she can't have her favorite toy anymore and doesn't understand why or what she did wrong! That's right! My favorite stuff bunny went missing one night. I woke up to find my bunny was gone. The bunny I slept with. I cried for weeks and no bunny! Guess what, I have found my bunny with my mother's things forty + years later! This is just one example of what my mother took from me. I don't have enough tears for what she has done to me!!!!!

Oh wait...it is just a word or label!!!

Do you get nose bleeds? I am just asking because you are so high up looking down on the rest of us!

And yes, I called you out by your name, of course, I can think of a few names to call you, but I won't!!

You shouldn't talk about anything you don't know about! Until you walk a mile in somebody's shoes; you have no idea what they went through!

Oh by the way, God bless!!!

For anyone wishing to educate themselves on narcissism. Mayo Clinic website has a detailed description of it.

Mayo Clinic would be considered a legitimate source.

Of course, those who grew up with parents that have NPD are very familiar with this mental disorder.

Lea,

Quite a good thought, at that! 😊

Haileybug: I thought you were 'moving forward' since you admit to having 'never heard of narcissism'?

Those without "knowledge" or "wisdom" on a particular personality disorder ought to stay OUT of the discussion to avoid the appearance of ignorance on the subject. Or to avoid looking 'ridiculous' themselves.

Just a thought.

Cali,

Wonderfully insightful response! 😊

There’s a narcissist on this post alright. Sign #1 denial. Sign #2 thinks everyone else is the problem 😉

Jodi,

I appreciate that you respect the professionals who have loads of experience in the field of psychiatry!

Good for you!

YES, I'm all for knowledge and wisdom.

I'm all "HYPE" for researching. (that is, if the information is actually "legit.")

As I stated earlier, people put a label on everything. (including the way people, act, behave, think, etc.) Ridiculous

What's another "word" for narcissist? Conceited, self centered

It's just a word. YEAH

You are welcome.

Jodi,

I truly appreciate your knowledge and how much you contribute to this forum by sharing the correct terminology on serious mental health illnesses.

I wish everyone would acknowledge and accept how damaging it is for family members to deal with these severe situations.

It is entirely different for anyone who is caring for an individual in a facility. They don’t have a personal connection with them. It is heartbreaking for a family member to witness this behavior.

Chris,

So wise! The strong break cycles! I broke cycles with my daughters.

Thankfully, I did not repeat my mother’s mistakes with them.

It seems some copy behavior and others avoid it at all cost!

We are fortunate to have avoided repeating our mom’s behavior with our children.

Jodi,

Isn’t it a wonderful thing that we have something called the internet at our fingertips?

We can look up anything our hearts desire if we choose to expand our minds!

There isn’t any valid excuse for anyone not to do research on anything that we haven’t heard of.

I love that you are a wise and observant poster! Keep spreading your wisdom, Jodi! Everyone appreciates it!

xray

No offense here, but since you called my name out, allow me an opportunity to respond.

Reread my post, please. I never stated there was no such thing as a narcissist personality disorder. I said, I have never heard of it. (thankfully)

You do realize they put labels on everything? Right? Which means absolutely nothing.

I am moving forward. Good day.

Shell, you are right. My parents were divorced and had both remarried, so their own marriage was ancient history. I was absolutely devastated to lose my father, but my mother wasn't able to hug me or offer any kind of emotional support or comfort at all. I am an only child and found this very difficult, having no siblings to share the grief with. I am beyond wondering how she could be like this, but know I could never be so cold and detached from my own son. The best we can hope for is to be different with our own children and to pass on good values to them.

Chris,
I am sorry that you lost your dad. I think it is harder to lose a parent when your other parent is a NPD then you are face with a reality that is painful and you're caring for that parent who is a NPD makes it that much harder or at least that is my experience.

Hugs!!!

Shell, I am glad this forum is helping you. I too have found it very supportive. Back in January, before Covid hit and the world changed, an artist friend of mine asked her friends and colleagues to each contribute our hopes for the year, which she then incorporated into a huge wall painting. Mine were to "choose kindness, love and compassion". This was based on some difficult experiences I had in 2019 when my father died. I've thought of this often when things have got tough since then, and it has helped me to stay firm about what I will and won't accept now in terms of abusive behaviour.

NHWM,
I will get past this because I have to believe that all I have been through is part of God's plan for my life. As Polarbear stated "I know who loves me and who I belong to," and He is mightier than all the world; He is always with me and has always been with me. He is greater than my mother.

Xray,
Thank you for starting this thread and for the resources. After I wrote that post it felt like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Plus, how dare anybody judge anyone on this thread. As my dad use to say, " don't judge a person unless you have walked a mile in their shoes." Some people will and can't understand what we went through and the damage we are left with. Like you, I too believe that having a NM has made me stronger.

Chris,
I wrote from what I have seen in dealing with my own mother and I have also known other NPDs. When I first learned of my mother being a NPD and figured out what she has done to me all I wanted to do was throw up. It is truly sickening to realize that you were used by someone who is suppose to love you and protect you. My question over the past year has been "how does a mother abuse her children in such a matter?" My answer "because they have no feelings for their children, they have no empathy."


Thank you for letting me share and for showing me that how I view myself is because of my mother's twisted view of herself! I did nothing to cause this...just born into it.

xrayjodib, thanks for those resources, I will look into them. I too had therapy which was helpful and very illuminating - quite shocking in what it revealed actually. It took me years to do this, as there was always a little voice in my head telling me I was weak or self indulgent to need to do this - my mother’s words of course. You are right about the hidden scars, although I do think that those people very close to you and who care about you can have some appreciation of what you are going through. My husband can see these things clearly, he doesn’t know the true extent of how I feel, but he sees the damage it has caused. It seems so unnatural that a parent could treat his or her own sons or daughters this way. I have come to terms with my mother’s coldness and cruelty, but it still causes emotional damage on a daily basis.

Chriscat83,

Amen!!!

I have found 2 other resources that have been so helpful to me!
The book "Will I Ever be Good Enough " by Karyl McBride.
And a support group on FB, Daughters of narcissistic mothers 2.0.
Along with therapy (something I never thought I would need) I have truly begun to understand the depth of what we are all dealing with!!
The scars that are only visible to those of us that are still caring for the person that inflicted them are very hard to explain to someone that wasn't raised the way we were.
It's a harsh reality when you learn that your narcissistic parent is NEVER going to change!
Our only defense is to arm ourselves with as much knowledge and support as we can!!😘

I think Shell has really laid out what life can be like with a narcissistic parent. I recognise so much in what she has written, although thankfully not the sibling abuse. All families have disagreements from time to time - that is life - but narcissism is something else. I remember the first time I discovered NPD and read about the character traits associated with it. I felt physically sick, as so much of what I read described my mother very accurately, and it was so shocking to have such behaviour laid bare with a clinical interpretation. It was the first step for me in understanding how best to cope with this disorder. Dealing with it is not easy, as the experts will warn you. You are dealing with someone who is stone cold and devoid of any real emotion, but I have found this forum to be very helpful. I’ve realised I’m not alone and there is a lot of support and kindness to be had from others. I hope those in a similar situation also find the help they need to stand up to this form of abuse.

Shell,

Thank you for sharing!! And you are definitely not alone!!

As crazy as this may sound, in some ways I actually (in my head) thank my NM!! Because of my past, I am so much stronger than I ever realized!!

You're a survivor!! Never forget that!!

Shell,

I am so sorry that you went through so much pain.

For what it’s worth. I have faith in you.

You will come out on the other end. I know that you will.

One day, all of this will be a distant memory.

Keep your plans regarding your future.

Everything is going to fall into place.

Narcissistic people are selfish to the extreme. They only see and think of themselves. They never can see another person's needs or wants. They only see their needs and wants and they will do whatever and hurt whomever they need to to get what they want. They see people has a means to an end, in other words, they use people. They will use people for as long as they can and when that person has nothing left to give they throw that person away and move on looking for their next victim. They think more of themselves than they should; therefore, rules do not apply to them, not man's law, not God's laws, and not natural laws; however, these laws do apply to everyone else. They are special not because they can or do anything amazing, but just because they walk on the face of the earth and breath. Their egos however are very fragile, yes, they talk a good game, but it is just words that they have learned to regruate. In fact, they learn at some point, what they should say and what they shouldn't say. They become masters at this. But at the end of the day their words are as empty as they are. They are always the victim and the real victim is the bad guy. They have no clue to the damage they cause people nor to themselves. Why? Because it is always about them and they never can see past their own noses!!

In the last few years, I have learned that my mother didn't want me nor did she love me. She has stolen anything and everything I ever liked or loved. She has made people hate me by spreading lies about me, in fact, she played my brother and me against eachother and now he hates me. She use to beat the crap out of my brother and me. She use to let my brother and her mother abuse me and did nothing. She has drag my name through the mud all awhile coming out smelling like a rose. She did this without my dad (who was no dumbing, but in love and worked a lot) ever knowing what she was doing. She has turned so many people against me so they could love her...feel sorry for her. I spent my whole life feeling undeserving of love and unwanted. My mother has always thought of me being weak when in reality, she is and was the weak one. I have been caring for my mother sense I was 9 yrs old. She was a mean nasty drunk. There have been numerous times when she should have died and I wish she had. Maybe, my brother would not be a narcissistic drunk addict pri@k. Maybe, I would have done more with my life, with my talents, skills became what God call me to be. Maybe, I wouldn't beat myself up so much. I could have done more had she not been my mother. But I will say this, my mother ignored me most of my life unless she was in the mood to play mom with me, I had a great dad. I owe a lot of who I am to him. He took his time to teach me about life, people, cooking, and the way of the world. I can get through this thing we call life because of him. He made me tough, strong, and showed me to never judge people, and ways remember there are two sides to a story; moreover, there is always more than one solution to a problem. He taught me to stand up for myself, to never let any one use or abuse me and to think for myself. Little did he knew his wife was using and abusing his kids. I tell myself that maybe it was a blessing that I wasn't her favorite and that she ignored me because it made room for my dad to plant good seeds into me.

I read most of the posts here and know I am not alone, nor is the way I view myself. If you manage to read all of this Thank You for your time.

Haileybug,

NPD narcissistic personality disorder Is an actual diagnosis!!

I recommend you do a little research on it before making any snap judgments.

And while we reap what we sow, we're not supposed Judge, lest we be judged.