Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I'm feeling stressed out, frankly. Had some bad dreams last night which were stress related. We are getting out and doing things, DH & I, yes. I am grateful to have my grandsons to keep my mind occupied, that's true. You are right in that the MC will deal with my mother, but that doesn't mean I won't have to get new POAs drawn up for my DD to intervene for me on NMs part should something happen while I'm gone. Just more details to think about and get straightened out. Remember: we COULD be gone for up to 5 months if complications arise with the transplant IF he gets approved.
Too bad your NM is coming back tomorrow. I am sure she will give you all sorts of hell about moving into an AL, why wouldn't she? There's 'nothing wrong with her' AND 'she's not old' either, plus, she's 'fine where she is', even though it's all at YOUR EXPENSE 100%. Women like this NEVER give a rat's arse who they're putting out or driving to the brink of insanity with their nonsense, because again, THEY are FINE and WONDERFUL and NORMAL, it's the REST OF THE WORLD that's INSANE. That right there is the issue, 100%, and there is no getting through to them as a result. It will likely take a meteorite to move your NM out of her comfy cozy condo unless you and your sister devise a plan to force her out. Remember: you two are smarter and sharper than SHE is. Period. Wishing you luck on that, fingers crossed.
So glad to know your brother is being released today, thank God. Continued healing is what I am praying for.
Thanks for your well wishes, I appreciate it.
You are right, if DH gets approved you will be going for however long it's going to take. Your mom will deal one way or the other. It really sucks how these narcs suck the life out of us for so long that when some OTHER issue of importance comes up we're already spread so thin it gets really overwhelming. That's how it's been for me anyway, and I think you are spread pretty thin right now too.
I know this is easier said than done but try to focus on as much self care as you can right now. You know best what calms you, so try to practice those things daily.
I know the anxiety of worrying about the future and all the different possible outcomes, and I imagine you are pretty overwhelmed. Talk to yourself like you would talk to one of us on the board. Remember your tricks for staying in the moment, and also keep in mind that it's possible that things will go smoothly and fairly quickly, and that DH will be cured with the new liver before Thanksgiving. Your DH is a tough cookie and there is reason to feel optimistic that things are going to be fine.
It's the compounded stress that can really derail you. That's why I say to put a big boundary in place with your mother now and just tell her you can not be there as much, period. She is not the priority. YOU are, and your DH.
Mine came back yesterday and came down for dinner. She seemed happy (relieved?) to be back, but made sure to tell me what a great time it was, and how much my sister did for her! What she didn't know is I was in close touch with my sister during this whole trip, because I was concerned about my brother, so I knew what was going on and my mom was a complete PIA driving my sister crazy to the point my sister snapped a few times. If I wouldn't have been feeling anxious and full of dread and not wanting to get into anything right then, a part of me wanted to say-- Oh really? Yeah I thought her idea about you hiring an aid was a good and necessary idea too!, And she made a good point about a nursing home being a possibility too!... But I didn't say anything. I plan to have that talk after my son and wedding crew leave. It's too risky to make her angry before hand, I know how vindictive she can be so the talk will wait another 3 weeks. I just found it so typical of her. Always ready to pull a guilt trip. Another thing she doesn't realize is those games don't make me feel guilty anymore, they just make me angry and more distant.
are babysitting one of the grandchildren. DH has a whole week of tests lined up starting on Monday or Tuesday, so he needs rest. DH is handling things like a trooper....as always. He has THE best attitude of any human being I've ever met, which makes things much easier for all of us.
I think you are wise to wait 3 weeks to talk to your NM yourself. Why create another sh*t storm before the wedding? We have to figure out what works for US with these women, not what works for THEM!
I didn't see my mom yesterday at all. She called to borrow something and DH took it over to her since I was busy. He said she seemed okay and I figure she's had a lot of socialization lately so I stayed away. I'm going to invite her to go along with us for lunch today. It's a very short walk away and I want to see how she handles it. I'm talking less than five minutes on a flat boardwalk.
Does anyone have plans for Memorial Day? I hope everyone is doing okay.
So last night when I called NM, she went on a tirade for 20 minutes about how 'wrong' it is that she isn't living in her 'own home' and she 'doesn't belong' living in AL; she BELONGS in her Own Home. Never mind the fact that she doesn't OWN a home, that she's in a wheelchair 24/7, that she's incontinent, has more issues than Newsweek that the AL can't even really keep up with, and has fallen 72x. She kept up and up and UP with that line of angry-speak until I finally had to wish her a good night and end the 'conversation' as there is NO getting thru to folks with dementia. Not ONE HOUR later, my cell phone rings with a call from the nurse at the MC: NM fell out of her wheelchair AGAIN; leaning forward trying to PICK something up off the floor! This makes 73x falls now. But yeah, hey, you're right ma, you should be 'living in your own home', makes perfect sense to me! No injury, of course. And the band played on. And on.
Well I didn't see my mom yesterday either. I never got around to asking her if she wanted to go to lunch and we didn't go either. It was my DH who didn't want to go, which is rare, so I went along with it. He has more patience with my mom than I do so if he isn't feeling it, we aren't doing it. Besides I've said this before but I can't stand being alone with my mom, that is when she will really act out on me. I sent over some strawberries that DH dropped off and again she seemed fine. So now today- I AM feeling the pressure to see her so I will initiate something, probably have her over here to eat. That seems to be the go-to. There isn't much else we can do.
Chris, I'm glad things are better now that your mom doesn't live with you. I can not wait to have some distance and for my mom to be in care! Did you say anything about her taking the extra food? It could go bad and there is no reason if she can get it daily. Is she making friends there?
The main thing, is as you say- is if you don't like what she is doing you can walk away!
BTW- has the drama with your BIL & SIL died down? Are you and DH starting to put it behind you?
Disgusting the show your SIL and BIL put on for your dear MILs funeral/wake. Along with wearing a big show-off hat, nice and tasteless, but what else could be expected? I'm glad her friends & relatives were tracked down & invited to go; too bad they didn't capture the look on the in-law's faces when they arrived in a PHOTO!
Piper, the theme of my NMs misery this week is wanting to live in HER OWN HOME. What do I say when she's off on a rant? That obviously she's in no shape to live independently anywhere, with all the falls, the wheelchair situation, and the fact that she requires help with everything she does, all of which she disputes. It's a waste of energy is what it is, in reality. Her goal is to 'go home' which means to get OUT of there and to move in with me or with one of the 'family members' or whatever. To make her chronic misery known, in other words, and to lay a guilt trip on me and let me know how SAD she is, etc. This has been an ongoing theme for quite a while now, and the ED was talking to me about it as well. NM has pity parties for herself with anyone who will listen. Fact is, she will be miserable wherever she lives; she is lamenting her AGE and her CONDITION is what she's doing, I think, more than anything else b/c she's been in managed care since 2014. If she moved in with a 'family member' or whatever, nothing would change: she'd still be 'bored' but even more so, she'd still be in a wheelchair, still in pain, still requiring help 24/7, etc. THAT is the issue she's miserable about, imo, which cannot be changed. What she will not realize or address is the fact that when she alienates us with all this complaining and guilt-tripping, then nobody wants to deal with her, period.
Now she's angry with me, once again, and not speaking to me which is fine and dandy with me. I am not picking up the phone anymore to deal with the carrying on that ensues.........she can call ME and leave a voice mail, then I'll decide if I want to return the call. No she did not get hurt in the fall on Saturday night.
Right now I'm stressing out big time over whether to get NM into the SNF before the liver transplant or afterwards. Since we don't have a green light that we're moving forward with the surgery, I'm waiting. I know she will be MORE miserable with a roommate than she is now w/o one, but I think she will be happier in the SNF b/c it's bigger and has more activities and not 'only' dementia residents living there. She's running out of $$$ so it needs to happen, and I figure we have until January (her 95th birthday) before it's crucial she be moved. I just don't want to be in AZ and have to be faced with moving her, obviously.........so if it seems like we'll get the green light to go in Sept, I may need to get her moved in August. IDK.......it's a big burden on my mind right now. What do you think?
Maybe your mom will like having a room mate more than you think? Do you have any say in who the other person will be? She's been solo since your dad died right? It's *possible* it could work out. Like if she can't figure out the remote maybe the other person would know what to do, or they could just babble nonsense to each other all day, complain together, make fun of the staff together....
Lea imagine if it did work, that could really take some pressure off you. Like you mentioned earlier it is SO much pressure to be the ONLY one dealing with a needy difficult elder. But if she doesn't like it-- too bad. She doesn't like anywhere so not much would really be changing in terms of her happiness.
It will interesting to see how your mom does with the change. Truly. Maybe she will be on "best behavior" mode to impress the room mate?
No matter what happens, the move needs to happen, and the best time for that to happen given your life is before DH's trip imo.
So, I ended up not seeing my mom yesterday either. She did not put any pressure on me so I just didn't initiate anything. She needs a med refill so I offered to do that for her today, and she then asked us to come over later for dinner and I said okay. So... I can only guess that she was worn out and sick of people herself the last few days. I can't think of any other reason for this subtle shift. Put it this way, I know it's not because she suddenly had an epiphany and was thinking about my well-being. It must be that she was worn out.
Chris- omg your SIL, her fake speeches and the HAT! What a piece of work they are, and you are so right- you reap what you sow. In the end they have been exposed for the vile creatures they are while your DH did the right things and had proper closure along with the respect of others.
I'm glad it's past you now.
In other news, I finally got my hair cut. I can still notice the hair loss but it looks better. I'm trying to feel positive about the upcoming wedding and really hoping it's a fun time for all. I miss my son so much and can't wait to see him. So I've been planning for things. Taxi's, the wedding cake, and figuring out the after-party. I'm trying to shift from my usual anxiety ridden worrying what's going to go wrong mode to relax and have fun for once mode. I'm telling you guys I have never had to do this kind of mental work before just to chill out! But each time I talk to the people coming, especially the bride as we plan things I feel that old happy person inside me and I want to have fun times again.
As the tests are being done on DH, we'll have a better idea if he's a good candidate for the transplant. They're saying they'd like to see his ejection fracture raised, which is nearly impossible to actually ACCOMPLISH, so IDK. If the Mayo Clinic is going to use that for criteria, he will fail. They also do not like that he had the triple bypass, but his cardiologist has cleared him on our end. Again, not important to the Mayo Clinic. He will have to fly down there once the tests are completed to be evaluated by THEM for a final decision. Like DH said, we have 3 young men here to actually DO the move for my mother, when the time comes, so DH himself would not have to be involved at all if he were recuperating or whatever. So for now, we'll put the SNF move off. Part of me thinks we should do it asap, the other part wants to put it OFF as long as possible due to the fallout that WILL occur. If she thinks she's so 'miserable' now, just wait........she ain't seen nuthin' yet methinks. She has SO MUCH personal attention from a large staff caring for 20 residents and still she's 'miserable' and in a horrid mood 90% of the time. Right now I just want to focus on DH and getting him from point A to point B.
It again amazes me just HOW much heartache and trouble and stress ONE person can cause. Right Piper? :(
Piper, glad you had a longer break from NM than you were expecting. She was probably worn out, like you said, rather than taking YOUR health into consideration. That's laughable, really. The only time my NM is ever happy is when I tell her I'm not feeling well. Truly. I often tell her that JUST so she'll lighten up and sound happy. Nothing like having your mother thrilled to hear you're sick, huh?
Now that Moms AFL and my Aunts MC have started allowing them to leave the facilities all Hell has broken loose!!!
I am now taking my NM to all of her Dr appointments ( 3 in the last week and more to come).
My Aunt has multiple issues and I have hired her friend who is an Uber driver to take her to and from all of her appointments. He's been an absolute blessing and my hero!!
Piles of forms and phone calls!!
(Dare I say it?? I'm starting to miss quarantine!!)
Tons of company coming!
My brother and his wife will be here on Saturday and bringing a couple of friends with them.
NM insists on coming to stay with us so she can spend time with my brother too. I don't have the energy to fight with her.
I have made it clear to her that they are not gonna want to sit around and watch TV!
Her response was "Well they won't have to sit with us!" US??
I swear if she complains about the shower mat hurting her feet or that my bath towels are too big, I am gonna loose my sh*+!!
I hope you're all doing well!!
I have a lot of catching up to do!!😘
I guess I was mistaken to think that my brother came here to visit our Mother.
The last week consisted of me making sure everyone was fed in the morning and then my brother and crew would take off, leaving me alone with NM all day. Then making sure everyone was fed dinner.
The zingers from my NM started from the moment she walked in my front door to the moment I took her back to AFL this morning!
Too many to recount them all.
I am emotionally exhausted!!
The energy it takes to bite your tongue and hold back your feelings is draining.
Piper,
Praying for your brother!!!
Thinking of you ALL!!
We are all in this together and I feel blessed to have you all as a sounding board!!
You're ALL amazing!!😘