Hi All - I have been reading this forum off and on for some time. It's helpful to know that I'm not the only one dealing with the challenges posed with caring for elderly parents. My mom has been living with me and my family for almost 10 years now. I can cry when I think about it. I know that sounds selfish but my mom is such an energy vampire and it's so hard to be around her. She doesn't drive and her income level is low so we thought it would be great for her to live with us; otherwise, she's healthy as an ox and 80 years young. On weekends, when her shows aren't on, she comes looking for me about 5 times a day!! It really drives me crazy, I want to cry. She is constantly telling depressing stories of who killed who from the news. She is constantly complaining and she likes to bad mouth other people. My kids don't even like to be around her because she's pushy and she can't understand why they don't pay attention to her. She just thinks that she's such a "victim". I'm to the point where I resent people, just ordinary people who don't have to care for their parents. Awful, I know. I avoid inviting people to my home because she is often embarrassing. She's overly opinionated and doesnt know what questions are and aren't offensive. EVERYWHERE I go, she seems to want to come. And if I don't take her, she's "stuck" here because she doesn't drive and there is no public transportation around. I feel like her entertainment director. She has no life outside of my and my families life. I've encouraged her to take a trip to see her family SO many times (her sisters live in Italy) but there's always an excuse (apparently, when she visits, her sisters go about their normal life, and don't take her enough places). She depends on other people to make her happy and expects things from people. She has many times thrown in my face that she did this and that for me growing up (and insinuates that I now "owe"her). In fact, I"m pretty much convinced that this is why she had me to begin with..to keep her company in her old age. I really wish that I was one of those people who were crazy about their mom and who had a great relationship. Truth is that I really do love her but I do see her as a huge burden - her attitude is what makes it most difficult. I wish I had my own life. I REALLLLLLY wish that I had my own life. If we manage to go on a vacation without her, it's heavenly to feel those severeal days of independence. We recently bought a bigger house, that we really did not want to buy, just to give us and her separate space, and she calls it her jail. Not ONE bit appreciative of anything. In fact, I think this is the source of her constant unhappiness. I could go on forever, but I won't. I feel so STUCK and I feel like she's constantly dragging me down. I shudder when I hear her coming up the steps. Sad, I know. We moved from our original home because she lived with us and there was no in-law suite. It was TORTUROUS. She would rearrange my cabinets and decorate for me! I think she hates it almost as much as we do but she is too afraid to live on her own because of both financial reasons and feelings of lonliness/need. I feel like I can't breathe. It really stinks feeling this level of resentment for your own parent!!!
But it is bad for you. It is bad for your kids. Doesn't your culture/guilt/insanity kick in regarding giving them a happy environment? I think clh777 (the first response) nailed it. Either change the living arrangements (which you "can't" do) or learn to live with your mother's needs more harmoniously. Learn to set and enforce boundaries. For example, either learn to shrug off her "jail" complaints and not let them bother you OR tell her that as long as she is living with you you will not listen to that type of complaint, and walk out of the room every time she starts up.
I suggest that seeing a family counselor would be helpful. Go alone initially and perhaps the counselor will also want other family members involved.
Mother is in great health. You are very likely to be dealing with this all the years your children are at home. Getting this on track for a healthy relationship is worth a lot effort now, in my opinion.
I sincerely wish you success in making some improvements, for everyone's sake.
Sorry if this seems callous. I'm a results-oriented practical person. Now maybe you are just having a bad day. I can relate to that! Maybe tomorrow everything will look different. That is OK. You were just venting. But if what you wrote is a fairly accurate and consistent state of your situation, then I just don't get it. No one is happy with this situation and yet you are so adamant about continuing it you even about a bigger house. Huh?
In hindsight, maybe you should've stayed in your original home and maybe monetarily helped her get a place of her own but you can't undo what's been done. If she can't afford to live elsewhere then you're going to have to work very hard not to feel stuck. Set up boundaries. Also, you know your mom and if she's always been like this then you can pray for miracle but I doubt she's going to change at this late date. There may be times you actually love her but dislike her too. That's not abnormal. You have every right to feel as you do but please don't let it go on without getting some changes in place. It's not fair to any of you.
Oh yes, I'd give anything to have had a mother I loved and adored. I did not. She was an abuser and one of the most hateful, underhanded people I ever met. She didn't like me, ever, and let me know it my whole life. It was hard to do anything for her but I tried. My kids never liked being with her, as kids or as adults. She sucked the pleasure out of every family gathering. They said her legacy was to teach them how NOT to be and I have to agree.
Hang in there. Come here and vent. But the bottom line is only you can change what goes on in your home. I'm hoping you find relief soon.
My mother is a hermit. She has two friends, but I have a hard time getting her to do anything with them. I wouldn't mind it so much, but it would take a lot of pressure off of me to keep her company. My mother and I don't have much in common. We don't enjoy the same TV. She can't carry on a good conversation. I try to interact with her, but I can't, so I feel guilty for not paying more attention to her.
I am fortunate because my mother doesn't seem to want anything much to do with me. That sounds strange, I know, but I don't know what I would do if she started following me around and insisting to go everywhere with me. That would be awful. If my mother did have the wish to go out, I would see how she liked our local senior center. There are many things to do there for people who still have their cognitive functions. The main thing is there are other people who are looking for the same thing -- companionship with people their own age. That is priceless.