mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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.John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
Texting for Seniors:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
"well that's perfectly understandable" one of his friends chimed in, "being out in the jungle, about to be eaten by a wild beast.."
"NO NO NO NO! FOOL! Not THEN! Just NOW, when I jumped up out of the table, to tell the story and explain how I roared....just NOW, I wet myself...."
Thank you, A fellow Care giver.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what .' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)??
'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer the doctor struck up a conversation with the older man. Eventually the topic of elections and politicians came up and what each thought of the potential leaders.
The old farmer said ‘Well ya know, most politicians are like post turtles’
‘Post turtles?’ queried the doctor
‘Yup Post turtles….when ya drive down the road and ya see a turtle on a fence post thats a post turtle’
The doctor still looked puzzled. The old farmer continued ‘Now y’all know he didn’t get up there by himself, he don’t belong up there, he don’t know what to do while he is up there, see he is elevated beyond his ability to function and you have to wonder what dumb arse thought it would be a good idea to put him up there to begin with’
Thats a pretty good explanation of politicians everywhere methinks
My husband does not get the humor in the tadpoles/future turtle joke. How can I explain that? And the fact that Monday is just not going well.....hmmmmmnn.
rainmom ,
the young bull wants to RUN down the hill and bone a heifer . the old bull wants to WALK down there and bone them all .
everybody else is getting by with murder here so here goes ;
love the narc / bull joke pam ..
St. Pete turns to the first nun and asks, "Name three of Jesus' disciples."
"Oh that's easy," the first nun replies, "Matthew, John, and James."
The bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open and the first nun enters.
St. Pete turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was Moses?"
The nun confidently replies, "Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open a second time and the second nun enters.
Finally, St. Pete addresses the third nun. "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The third nun pauses for a long moment and mutters, "Gosh, that's a hard one."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open....
Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of
rowdy drunks pull up alongside. "Hey! Let's see your boobies,
you stuck up penguins! shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superor turns to Sister Immuaculata and says, "I
don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"%^&$ off you nasty little £$%^&, before I come over there and
rip your t3tsic@l3s off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"
The bulls on the ranch have heard a rumor that the rancher has just bought the biggest,,baddest, meanest bull in all of Texas. The local bulls are all talking trash about how they ain't taking no crap from this new guy and he's not gonna get any of my cows, now way, no how.
A few days later a cattle truck backs up to the pasture gate. Before the Cowboys can even open the doors a huge roaring, stomping, snot slinging bull comes storming down the ramp. All the other Bulls take a step back in fear. But one small young bull runs forward, snorting and pawing the ground. His buddies yell, are you nuts? What are you doing? Well, I just want to make sure he knows I'm a Bull!
The rancher decides that his 2 bulls are getting a little old so he goes to the bull sale and selects 2 fine virgin bulls to add to the herd. The rancher turns in the new bulls with the older more experienced bulls so that they can learn the pasture, where the water is, etc.
Finally the day the rancher turns the cows in with the bulls comes! The bulls are all standing on the top of the hill while the gates are open and the cows are let in. The young bulls are so excited they can hardly contain themselves. The young bulls tell the old bulls...."hey, lets run down the hill and breed a couple of them"! The old bulls say....sonny boys.....lets WALK down the hill and take care of them all."
He loads these big fat sows on his truck, hauls then to the other farm where they are set loose in a pen with this stud hog. To state it mildly, it was an energetic session. He loads the sows back on the truck and asks the owner of the hog how can I tell this took? The owner said that if the sows were lying around in the shady part of the pen in the morning it probably didn't take and to bring them back.
The next morning he gets up, looks out the window and his three sows were asleep in the shade. He loads them up and repeats the trip.
This goes on for three days. On the fourth morning he just can't bear to look and nudges his wife awake and asks her to look out and see what the sows were doing. She takes a look and tells him, well, its just the damnnest thing....Two sows are in the back of the truck and the third is in the cab trying to get it started.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes (OMG)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death (Creepy….Im still not over the pig) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body…the female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off ……(honey Im home ….what the %^&*?).. The flea can jump 350 times its length ..pretty much like us being able to jump a football pitch (30 minutes…lucky pig….can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (Wonder what is so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day (I still can’t believe that pig…quality over quantity)..butterflies taste with their feet…(Something I always wanted to know) Elephants are the only mammal that can’t jump (Okaaaaay so that would be a good thing) A cat’s urine glows under a black light (and I wonder how much and which government paid to establish that fact) An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain (and we all know people like that too don’t we?) Star fish have no brains (Oh I know a few people like that as well). Polar bears are left handed - hm a south paw? Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (what about the pig…do the dolphins know about the pig?) Smiling? I chuckled reading this on my daughter’s fb page
Line from movie 'Pretty Woman'
I loved (the opera) it so much, I almost peed my pants.
Opera goer replies, 'What did she say'
Richard Gere, covering for his date says,
(something like) She said she liked it more than 'Pirates of Pizzance'.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"