mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
Follow
Share
Read More Close
8K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?
- My wife's mother is often mean and hurtful ... even remaining silent can still lead to receiving greater insults. Any experience with that?
- How do you cope when the patient is difficult, confused and defiant?
- My lady is 90 been with her two years and watch her go down hill. Am I a bad caregiver?
Start a Discussion
Q: What do you do if a bird* craps on your windshield?
A: Don't take her out again.
* British English slang for woman. Sorry.
Further explanatory note. I thought of this to cheer myself up after a boy hedge sparrow, intent on squabbling with his nest-mate, flew too close and did poo on my hair this morning while I was innocently sitting outside doing the crossword. Lucky, my foot!
People always tell me I'm condescending.
(That means talking down to people.)
****************
It took a lot of willpower. But I finally gave up dieting.
****************
Q: What’s your favourite exercise?
A: Chewing.
*********************
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
****************
It took a lot of willpower. But I finally gave up dieting.
****************
Q: What’s your favorite exercise?
A: Chewing.
Glad you enjoyed it :)
Poor Beasts!
The horse and mule live 30 years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at 20 die
And never taste of Scotch or Rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done.
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum and gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it corals.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at 10.
All animals are strictly dry:
They sinless live and swiftly die;
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
And some of them, a very few,
Stay pickled till they're 92.
- ANON
A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.
Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.
**********************
I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy foods out of my hand.
***********
Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
She heard you could get thinner there.
*******************
Ate salad for dinner!
Mostly croutons and tomatoes.
Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.
And cheese.
OK OK OK
Fine, it was pizza.
I ate a pizza.
You are a breathe of change in a tough journey.
Love you, you funny girl you!
Offering our guest his choice of salads, Cobb with tuna, just plain Cobb, or .....
He interrupted, "I don't eat pork".
Oh, I interrupted...."This one just has fresh cooked tuna!"
What then, I am supposed to remember the ingredients in a Cobb salad: Bacon!
And then, also recall that bacon is pork? Sheesh!
SEE, blonde.
These are jokes, right?
I am so not offended, and so not upset.
If you did edit all the funny parts out (like what we SHOULD be doing for our husbands), the joke would be just boring, because we have all of us likely thought to just shoot him.
For those that do no know me by now or have not noticed. :)
I am a 'glass half full' type of girl (old girl hahaha) with a weird sense of humour.
So I will lay off the jokes for a while as I do not wish to offend or upset anyone.
HOW TO TREAT YOUR HUSBAND
Always kiss him when he goes out or comes in.
Always give him the best chair for watching the television.
Don't ask him where he is going, when he steps out at 9.45pm.
Always have a meal ready for him each evening.
Always give him what you save weekly out of the housekeeping.
Do all you can for hi.
If that doesn't satisfy him - shoot him!
They taste funny.
*************************************************************
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID
"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."
The bartender apologised, but said he had to see the license.
The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.
"The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup.
"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood.
Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult,"
but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.
"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese."
Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some blood work to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first." Some more geese fly over.
The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky.
"What were those things, anyway?" he asks.
Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse.
They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.
Then came the second half.
When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
“Hey!” the man shouts, “What was that for?!”
“I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket,” the wife says, “and it had the name ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”
“Jeez, honey,” the husband responds, “I can explain. Remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”
The wife shrugs and walks away. Three days later, the husband is once again reading his newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with the frying pan.
“What was that for!” the husband asks.
The wife says, “Your horse called you.”