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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Four optimists were in a car wreck. They were so positive they could beat that train to the crossing.
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Will you quit interrupting me while I'm trying my best to annoy you.
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I'm not an early bird or a night owl. I'm some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.
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I'm bookmarking this for later, but here is one for you.
What did the lawyer wear to the masquerade party??

A "lawsuit."
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A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts.

He’s happy to take some.

He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

An extraterrestrial.

Extraterrestrial who?

What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?
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Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?
 
He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and farts.

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85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.
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."A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. 

She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.

Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."

Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
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Sendhelp.

GROUNDS for divorce. (coffee grounds. )
:)
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CM,
For today only, I have a husband who makes me feel "as if" he is doing me a favor by accepting my offers.
"Do you want some coffee?"
"okay", he says.

Wondering if the coffee issue is grounds for divorce?

Must say though, most of the time, he is making the coffee, and doing it very well.
He excels in some things, and if he has trouble, doesn't make coffee, I use that clue to make an assessment of stressors that need an intervention. You say: "Coffee is a caregiver's intervention?"
Yes, it is. No joke.
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Not actually a joke, Send, but I had a husband who, if asked if he'd like a coffee, would reply "thanks."

Yes thanks? No thanks?

Had a husband, note.
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“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”
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When I was younger, I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. Now, I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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Surely I must be losing my hearing....
Finding it harder to differentiate between hubs answers:
"Uh-huh"
"Huh uh"

Was that a mumbled yes or a no?
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What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
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Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
-
A trip to Thailand?

Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
-
Then I pick you up again.
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An elderly couple talk in the evening: 
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
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BuzzyBee it is awesome to have you & your delightful jokes & sense of humor appear again in my inbox! Always right when I need it most!!!
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Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.

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They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
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According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.

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A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

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I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
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They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable...but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?
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My neighbours are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not

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Hearing voices in your head is normal.
Listening to them is quite common.
Arguing with them – acceptable.
It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
(Tell me about it. lol )
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enjoy

Go to You tube and put in.


Bank robbery. She gets it sketch. Funny
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BuzzyBee, I hope you'll still come back. I like your jokes. :) Here's a funny that I saw today:

At my funeral, check my pockets. I probably have your lighter.
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I shall miss your jokes & sense of humor!
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😢😢 We will miss you BuzzyBee.
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Cannot for the life of me work the 'new forum'
So it is time I moved on. Thank you all for you help and advice.
Just going to look for a new site. One I understand, this is now too complicated for me.
Good luck all
Love Buzzy
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It seems we have now lost the old 'Jokes' thread. So I will just read from now on. Not too keen on this lay out. Prefer the old one. Well I am 'an oldie' lol

Good luck
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I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.
I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
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