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With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's truck leaves him too.
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Q. A horse attached to a 24-foot chain sees an apple 26 feet away.

How can the horse reach the apple?

A. The horse just walks over to it, taking the chain with him—the chain isn't attached to anything!
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I watched my dog chase his tail for 5 minutes and thought, "Dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for 5 minutes.
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I'll tell you something about German sausages.
They're the wurst.
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If you find it hard to get someone a present at Christmas.
Get them a fridge.
Then watch their face light up when they open it.
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A Cloud.
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The toilets in the police station were stolen last week. The cops still have nothing to go on.
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If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?
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A bit longer but stick it out. :)

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
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"Hey Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No son, I got them all cut."
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Last words of a highly poisonous snake?
 
"Drat, I bit myself on the tongue!"
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An elderly husband says to his wife, "I've been texting you all day and you didn't answer." His wife says, "Dear, that's the calculator."
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I needed a password eight characters long.
So I picked - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
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Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse.

What can I do? 

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure.
I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
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Sad news, but my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
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Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.





Wrong season but who cares lol.
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I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning.
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What cheese can never be yours?

Nacho cheese.
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It is important to make breaks between individual exercises.

I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years
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Why didn't the fisherman enter the fishing contest.

He wanted off the hook.
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I have a great HIPAA joke, but I can't tell you.
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What is more important than inventing the first telephone?

The second one. :)
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Thank you for sharing these. It helps me find a laugh in my busy days.
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Smile and the world smiles with you.

Fart and the world suddenly stops smiling.
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This may be considered racy but I mean it as a true laugh and will apologize in advance if I offend anyone. My younger daughter gave birth to her first child 4 months ago. She is 34. She was discussing timing of a second child with her older sister (also my daughter) who has 2 children 20 months apart. Younger daughter said she needed to give her vagina a rest. Older daughter told me this and said was she planning on taking it out on tour.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with an agnostic with an insomniac?

Someone who stays awake all night trying to figure out whether there really is some kind of a dog.
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants
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The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Please use your blinker.
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A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her
nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I’ll take the soup.”
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We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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