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"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"
(8)
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What do we want!?!

A cure for alzhimers!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?
(19)
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
(10)
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What did the squirrel say to his valentine? I'm nuts about you.
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My husband said our relationship had lost the spark...so I tasered him.
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Got a birthday card from the funeral home. I'm not impressed...they only want me for my body.
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Right, this may not be for everyone. Consider yourself warned.
Do you know jokes with a delay? The ones that demand you to think a bit. My favorite is:
 
The man worked at a Pickling Company and was getting more and more anxious.
“You know” he said once to his wife “I often feel like inserting my penis in the Cucumber Slicer.”
“Heavens, honey. That’s stress, you’re working 20 years at the same place. How about seeing a psychologist?”
“Maybe, maybe.”
Another week, and she asked:
“So, are you still thinking about that nonsense?”
“More and more.”
“I told you, you’re too stressed. I know. Take two weeks off, we can go to the mountains, you used to like hiking when we were dating, remember?”
“Hm, I will talk to the boss.”
Another week and he arrived home at the middle of the afternoon.
“What happened?” asked the wife.
“I got fired.”
“What do you mean?! How?”
“Just that. They fired… both me and the Cucumber Slicer.”
(10)
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Pharmacist asked his assistant what a patient needed. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any" the assistant continued "So I sold him a bottle of laxatives." The pharmacist yells, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" "Sure you can" said the assistant "Look at him... he's far too scared to cough"
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It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
(9)
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Today I found my first grey pubic hair.
I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
(5)
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R.I.P boiled water.
You will be mist.
(5)
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When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
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l love these!!!!
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About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.
After that, he went down hill fast.
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"Lately, when I close my eyes, I see a bunch of white spots."
"Have you seen an Ophthalmologist?"
"No, just a bunch of white spots."
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When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
(1)
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I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
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Oh my stars & garters! You guys really hit the funny bone with the jokes today!!! A couple hit close to home. I have big eyes, elf ears & a loving chihuahua. Last week I put menthol pain cream on my face rather than hydrocortisone rash ointment: same red & white tube, not wearing my glasses, also on autopilot!!! Reading the jokes is always the highlight of my day. Thanks everyone!!!
(7)
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just
passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's
house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died
her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while
we were making love on Sunday morning".
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
nearly 100 years old having sex had surely been asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
our advancing age, we figured out the best time to do it
was when the church bell started to ring. It was just the right rhythm,
nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous". She paused and wiped a tear.
"He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along".
(15)
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My mother - "I'm trying to brush my teeth."
Me - "It would be a good idea if you removed the toothpaste cap."
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Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.
(6)
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I bought a Chihuahua for my wife.
Chihuahuas are amazing.
Despite the huge ears, bulging eyes and terrible breath, he’s very fond of her.
(6)
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Not really a joke, but my DH is still giggling. First thing in the morning I am on autopilot, and my hands work from habit. Yesterday I picked up the wrong plastic tube, and instead of lemon myrtle face cream, I anointed my face with toothpaste. I only realised when the texture seemed wrong. I was a nice shade of green, it was quite hard to get it off my face without getting it in my eyes, and DH was totally confused by weird looks and shrieks. Don’t try it yourself!
(5)
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What did one casket say to the other?

Is that you coffin over there?
(Coughin')

:)
(4)
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Love the jokes
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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
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Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
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The fact that there is a Highway to Hell
and only a Stairway to Heaven
says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers
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Oh, BuzzyBee, I do love your jokes!! Hope your reno is going smoothly or is finished and you are enjoying the benefits!
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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.
She told me that newspapers are old school.
She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
The fly didn’t stand a chance.



sorry about the last joke :(
(10)
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