I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
...
What do you mean I am banned for life?
my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I don't get it, my dogs don't even have bikes.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Arrived to my parents' house yesterday for lunch. Just before eating, my mother:
Mother: I saved you a piece of cake, for desert.
An hour later
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I had plenty to eat, don't want desert now.
She had dinner in bed, but asked me aftewards:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I am not in the mood for anything sweet right now.
breakfast:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: nope, I forgot.
Mother: So I save the cake just for you and you don't blah, blah, blah.
half hour ago:
Me: there, mother, I ate the cake for the 5 o'clock snack.
Mother: did you ate the veggie loaf?
I have soooooooooo much to give - lol FAT
And I know you meant MALE or female (May be admin will change it for you? Just tell them you had borrowed Buzzys 14 fingers, on a bad day)
What is it about a car that makes people think you can't see them picking their nose?
Why is it called "beauty sleep" when you wake up looking like a troll?
Why hasn't someone come up with a way to donate fat like you do blood?
FREEZER BAGS?
They are male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS?
They are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive devise if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES?
Tires are male, they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS?
Male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES?
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
more to come...
C-A-T
A rip off
(My comment - Ouch)
I always thought that was a Blonde joke!
"Check if the turn signal is working."
"It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't..."
LorenMGG, I snorted when I first heard that, so much truth.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect, your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentlemen replied., "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
If I did, I'd live on toffee bars and port wine. My body's trying to turn me into a blob.
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
I know she ain't sick cause I cedar at the Walmart.
"I can give you the mice, but not the rats or roaches, " said the store owner. "What do you want them for anyway?"
The man replies, "My landlady is evicting me and she told me I must leave the room exactly as I found it. "
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.