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My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her.
The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
(9)
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The young priest would talk to a congregation for the first time. Needless to say, he was nervous, and seek advice from an older man of God.
“Pray a lot, take deep breaths, don’t focus in one person alone and, if you feel you are losing their attention, use humor. For instance, I usually say ‘last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.’ That makes everybody pay attention, I deliver the punchline ‘It was my beloved mother’ and I go on with the subject.”

The young one thanked him a lot, and went to do his call. Sure enough, soon no one was paying attention to his hesitant sermon, and he started:
“Last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.”
Everyone looked at him shocked, and he went on
“It was Father John’s mother.”
(6)
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I hope I don't offend anyone. But you have been warn!

What is the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter basket!!

Heard this when I was a kid!
(8)
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The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
(3)
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Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?
(7)
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A woman just found a Black Hole 53 million light-years from Earth. Do you think you can hide from yours at the pub around the corner?
(2)
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Yesterday I saw my crazy neighbour talking to her cat and it was obvious she thought the cat understood her. I went home and told my dog... we laughed and laughed...
(17)
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My SIL bless her, took excellent care of my mother in her final years. I lived about 1500 miles from them. When Mom tripped over her knitting at 92 and broke her leg, home health came in and installed various devices to assist in her transfer from bed to wheelchair, from wc to toilet, wc to shower, very helpful people they were. Calling to check on everyone one evening I asked SIL how things were going, hows mom? Her response, right now she is practicing twerking on her new stripper pole. WTH? (Mom was very, very religious).
On another call to check on everyone, SIL reported giving mom an ice cream on a stick, mom saying I remember these, SIL being excited she remembered something asked what she remembered, "this is a pregnancy test". Lol, SIL spit her ice cream all over the living room, mom certainly didn't understand that!
Not very often, but once in a while, care giving has it's moments. Thanks mom, miss you.
(8)
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Response to kimber166, I had to laugh about married men living longer, I bought my husband a koozie that said, married men don't live longer, it just seems that way!

We tell people we have been married for 25 years, but it only feels like 25 minutes....under water!
(3)
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I work at a jail and we get a lot of sad cases:

An 80 year old woman was in court to answer for her 8th shoplifting arrest.
Judge: Mrs. S****, I've seen you here before! What are you doing back in my courtroom?
Woman: I'm here for shoplifting, your honor
Judge: Shoplifting, again? What did you take this time?
Woman: A can of peaches, your honor
Judge: A can of peaches? How many peaches were in that can?
Woman: 5, sir
Judge: Okay, I'm going to make an example of you today, Mrs. S. I'm sentencing you to 5 days for every peach that was in that can. You are going to jail for 5 days!
Her husband was in the courtroom watching the proceedings. He stood up and said, "Your honor, she stole a can of peas too!"
(12)
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Someone was complaining about caring being like Groundhog Day. Perhaps this is what we all need:

Quote from Sam Goldwyn of Metro Goldwyn Meyer - “What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax”.
(2)
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No offence meant :)

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.
(5)
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Sorry its a bit long $(*_*)$ (me with my ear rings on. lol


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
(13)
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Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo, and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them?
(9)
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This may not be for everyone... you've been warned.

She got close and asked
"Jonny, dear, would you take off my blouse?"
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, take off my shoes."
He did it.
"Hmmmm, Jonny, take off my skirt."
He did so.
"Jonny, take off my stockings. Slowly Theeeere you go."
He did it.
"Now, Jonny, honey, take off my bra."
He did it.
"AND NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR, JONNY?"
(11)
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Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
(6)
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A couple of quotes about capitalism:

From Dorothy Parker: “Why is it that no one ever sent me one perfect limousine? It’s always my luck to get one perfect rose.”

From Quentin Crisp: “Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level! It’s cheaper”.
(5)
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This is more of a truism than a joke, but it made me laugh because I know a lot of us, myself included, have been there:

"Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus."
(7)
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Susan's mother: "What are you doing on the top of that tree?"
Susan: "Some boys are playing football their ball is fallen on the tree.
They asked me to bring it."
Susan's mother: "My dear , they only want to chech your pants."
Susan: "Don't worry mam, I hav'nt put on my pants!"
(4)
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One of my favorites - I am blonde and have had to endure men telling me filthy blonde jokes (in my younger days). My comeback when I have had enough:

"Do you want to hear this blonde joke"
"Sure" - they think I'm playing ball now
"Why are blonde jokes so short"
"I dunno...."
"So MEN can understand them"

Badump pump!!
(13)
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I have a wonderful DH - he has a witty comeback when we are with other couples and bantering about women/men and their differences. Often women will quote the stats that married men live longer. My DH will respond "perhaps it just FEELS that way" - always good for a laugh.

He mentions marriage as a life sentence without parole.

I hope these don't offend anyone. We have been married 23 years and he is a keeper - a great DH.
(5)
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Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
(3)
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I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said
"If you can read this the b*tch fell off."





Bit of a naughty one lol
(8)
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OK even I don't think these are all that funny. but I am trying!

A quote from John Barrymore: “The good die young. Why keep living if you’ve got to be good?”.

A novelist I’ve never heard of: “He decided to live forever, or die in the attempt”.

A quote from Quentin Crisp: “Life – a funny thing that happens on the way to the grave.”

So cheer up! It could be worse!
(6)
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People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's much easier to hit your target from outside on the lawn.
(6)
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Thank you all! I enjoyed the laugh!
(4)
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A lttle bit long but it tickled me :)



The little boy goes to his father and asks, so daddy how was I born?

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

Scroll down...You'll love this ....









YOU GOT MALE (boom boom)
(13)
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John is having a bad day. He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off. He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off. He turned the doorknob and it fell off. Now he's afraid to pee.
(11)
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Buzzy Bee must be busy – I hope you are all right, bee dear. I’ll try some more quotes, witty if not all that funny:

A quote from Paul Erlich, scientist: “To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer”.

A quote from WC Fields: “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Then give up. No use being a complete fool”.

A quote from Ava Gardner: “Deep down, I’m pretty superficial”.

A quote from Aneurin Bevan, UK politician: “We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over”.

Baboom! And what's with a scientist splitting infinitives? No better things to split?
(3)
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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
(7)
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