I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
:)
:)
Wife: You already do, you lazy bum!
The guy arrived in the unknown city in dire need of some adult entertainment, but was too shy to ask directly. He then saw an older lady walking by and went:
“Excuse me, ma’am, could you be so kind to show me where the church is?”
“Why, of course young man. It’s just five blocks in that direction.”
“Wow. Right in the middle of the Red-Light District?!”
“Of course not!! The Red-Light is to the north.”
“Thank you.”
And north he went.
When it was time for me to come into this world, the doctor asked mother, "Well Mary, what do want, a girl or a boy." Mother says, "I want a 52 Dodge!"
So glad she didn't name me Dodge.
“I was in my early 20s, got a job on the local paper, and had a chance to be the night sub, checking off on the front-page splash “FIRE BRIGADE WOES”, and heading home for the night. The next morning our front lawn welcomes the thud of a rolled up newspaper warning of “FIRE BRIGAGE WOES”. I still can’t write that word 30 years later without having a flashback.”
Spare a thought for David, who told us he’d been taking photos for a double page spread of first-class food for a supplier to a major international airline. "We propped up a product with a toilet roll. Never noticed it was visible in the final image until the brochure was printed."
Or Karyn who “apologised for the incontinence instead of the inconvenience, when rescheduling a meeting in a group email”.
Or Chris who “circulated some draft policies from our chief officer. In the email I said: Please review the daft chief officer's policies”.
Does anyone have any more? It’s nice to read about other people’s genuine mistakes, makes you feel so much better!
every time I try to look in the mirror
some old woman stands in front of me
so I can't see my reflection.
Man: The lion of course. Between those two beasts, the lion doesn't stand a chance.
Seven year old grandson, who has just learnt to read, is helping Grandma unpack and put away the grocery shopping. She hears him ask ‘Grandma, what are dickhead tomatoes?’. Grandma is quite shocked, then grandson also gets upset too because: ‘that’s what it says on the can – dic ed tomatoes’!
and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.
Not true for me I turn into a long distance runner or a mountain climber.lol
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ......
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks .... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
He came in from the pub. At the pub one of the girls was talking about Chuwbacca, sadly, dying yesterday.
She said she was worried how this would affect the Formula 1 racing?
The rest of the pub was confused. UNTIL. Someone realized she meant
Schumacher!!!!!!!!
Could only happen in real life. lol
Mickey Mouse was in the midst of an acrimonious divorce from Minnie Mouse. Accusations and name calling filled the gossip columns. Mickey's lawyer advised him to tone things down or he could lose his fan base.
"For starters, stop calling Minnie crazy. Mental illness is a serious issue. "
"Crazy! I never said she's crazy. I said she's f****ing Goofy!!!"
Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
_________OFFICIAL NOTICE__________
Be advised that next month the Immigration department
will begin deporting seniors (instead of illegal aliens) in
an effort to lower social security and medicaid costs. Older
people are much easier to catch and less likely to
remember how to get back home.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
“Please, can the bride guests form a line here at my left? Thank you. Now, the guests of the groom, line here at my right.”
After some did so, she went on:
“Now, everybody at my right and left, please leave because this is a baptism.”