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four Canadian guys go to Jamaica for spring break. They stop into a tattoo shop and decide to get tattoos on their privates. The Jamaican guy says "what kind of tattoo would you like? " Canadian guys say, one that says 'hello'
Jamaican guy says " I have one on my privates too" Canadians say "what does it say?" Jamaican says "Good Afternoon, Welcome To Jamaica and have a Nice Day"
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If only God can judge me, why do I have to be in court at 10 am on Tuesday?
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good one, salutem!
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What's big, red, and eats rocks?

A big, red, rock eater !!!
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Bit long but worth it I think. ;)


John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK
Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."
David: "Doctor, he didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
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An apple a day is terrible advice. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, BlackBerry, or any pig at a luau.
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Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
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what's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!!!!!
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Girl (flirting with boy): I heard you like a girl with personality.....well..... I have multiple.
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Ok, clutch the pearls here's a racy one:

why did the man throw the clock out of the window?
He wanted to see time fly!!!
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I just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I'll leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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You drop something when you're young, you pick it up.
You drop something when you're older, you stare at it contemplating whether it is something you can live without.
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When my dad was living he always complained about my mom's coffee. He'd say, Soph, this coffee's cold. My mom would say, yeah, so is your sister.
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Buzzy,
you are absolutely correct: all of us have different senses of humor and we all have the same choice: read it or don't, and yes you are correct, no need for a personal comment
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My boyfriend Ernie turned 80 yrs. old yesterday and announced to me that he is now dating an 18 yr. old girl.
I said that's OK Ernie when I turn 80 I will date an 18 yr. old boy, and 18 goes into 80 a lot more than 80 goes into 18.
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After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00
which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
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My husband asked me to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy that we have health insurance.
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Just a comment on different senses of humour. My little girl, then aged four, came home from Kindy full of excitement and asked me ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’. Cynical me wonders which new twist is coming next. She then actually says with great glee ‘To get to the other side’. Her sweet little face made me crack up laughing! So both of us happy!
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Thank you to all who post on this thread - I needed some laughs today.
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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
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Salutem

You have the same choice as us all.
To read, or not to read.
Skip it, don't comment with a thumbs up.
Or smile and thumbs up.
No need to make a personal comment.
We are all (or most of us) here because of circumstance. We do not need snide remarks, we get enough of those elsewhere.

Buzzy


All of us have different types of humour. I know in the past that my humour does not suit all. I try and be thoughtful of others.
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Sting has been kidnapped. The Police have no lead.
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Fifty year old jokes about orange juice and concentrate were made for ten year olds. Tell something funny and adult so others don't have to compensate
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A young couple moved into the neighbourhood and the next morning the woman next door watched as laundry was hung out on the clothesline.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly, that laundry isn't even clean, it all grey and dingy. Perhaps she needs better soap", she told her husband. Every time the neighbour hung the wash out to dry she made a similar comment.
A couple of months later the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash hanging on the line. "Huh", she said to her husband, "Look at that, someone must have taught her how to clean properly". Looking up from the newspaper her husband replied "I got up early and washed the windows".

And so it is with life, what we see when we look at others depends on the clarity of the window through which we gaze.
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An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Pop came home upset that he'd failed the health and safety course that the senior's centre put on today. One of the questions was "what steps should you take in the event of a fire". Apparently F'N big ones was not the correct answer.
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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance,
Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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To the person who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now.
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Mom and I were watching TV, and a doctor came on talking about how the cells of the body die and are replaced over time, and how every seven years you have a new body.
"Gee, Mom," I said. "You're on your last body."
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