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A young couple is having dinner in a restaurant when she says to him, "I think we should break up."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because you're so uncouth."
"What do you mean? Don't I take you to nice places when we go out?"
"Yes," she admits.
"And don't I give you thoughtful gifts on your birthday?"
"Yes," she says.
"And don't I treat your folks with respect and kindness?"
"Yes," she says.
"Then what the f**k is all this 'uncouth' sh*t?"
(6)
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A man and his ostrich walk into a bar. The man orders a whiskey instead of his usual beer. The bartender then serves the drink and the man pays in exact change.

The bartender says to the man, "Say, every time you've bought something from here you've always given me the exact change. Is there a particular reason?" To which the man replies, "Once, I was cleaning my attic and I found a genie in a lamp. The genie gave me two wishes, and I wished that whenever I needed to pay for anything, the correct money would always be there in my pocket."

"That's great! Whether it be a car or a carton of milk you will always have enough money. I mean, most people would wish for something like a million dollars, but you will never run out of money! By the way, what's up with the ostrich?"

"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
(10)
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Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.


Comment from me. Too right!! But my bark is worse than my bite. :)
(5)
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Yes, cwillie, I started it. lol I am English and I don't object. I never mean offence and try not to upset anyone. I really am not into this P.C. stuff because I am 'old school' but I never mean offence and if it takes a dig at me too, I can live with that. We live (in the real) with so much more. :)

Yours is so funny too. :)
(5)
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When I went in for my yearly physical
The doc started with the basics:

"How much do you weigh?" she asked
"Around 135" I said
The nurse put me on the scale,

Turns out I'm 165 lbs.

"What's your height" she asked
"I'm 5 foot 6" I said
The nurse checked and saw that I only measured 5 foot 4.

Then she took my blood pressure and told me that it was too high.

"Of course it's high" I screamed, "when I came in I was tall and slim and now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a b!tch.
(11)
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An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scot go into a pub.
The Englishman pulls out a picture of his son. "He was born on St George's day so of course we decided to call him George" he said.
"What a coincidence" says the Scot, "our boy was born on St Andrew's day so naturally we decided to call him Andrew".
"That's incredible!" said the Irishman. "The exact same thing happened with my son Pancake".

(I know it's not pc but Buzzy started it😉)
(3)
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An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya BLEEP_BLEEP! Spit it out!"
(9)
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Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Employee: Certainly not! There's no proof.

Boss: There is now. After you left early to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you.
(15)
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The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
(9)
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Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
(6)
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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
(9)
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A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
(10)
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Don't let anyone tell you fairy tales aren't real. Every morning I drink a potion made of magic beans and it brings me back to life.
(6)
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When I saw a bumper sticker that said
"I'm a vet, therefore I drive like an animal"
I suddenly realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
(5)
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Mikkimball, you’ve just sent me a message containing all the put-down remarks that Salutem messaged me with before. Are you clairvoyant? Wow!
(8)
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
(11)
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The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
(10)
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
(9)
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I have a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you think I'm sexy!", so I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.
(10)
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Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."
(8)
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Buzzy: Idkwhatmomwasdoingbecauseijustdontgetit.
(4)
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How do you know when a blonde used a computer?


There is white out on the screen!


How do you know when a blonde is used a computer after another blonde?


There is writing on the white out on the screen!
(6)
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Buzzy. . .Guess Mom wasn't joking.
(2)
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It took me a minute to get that one Buzzy
(haha)
(3)
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My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
(7)
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A man walks into a Barber Shop and asks the Barber how long of a wait before I can get a haircut? Barber says 3 hours. Man leaves.

Next day the man comes back and asks the Barber how long until I can get a haircut? Barber says 2 hours. Man leaves.

Third day the man is back again and asks the Barber how long before I can get a hair cut? Barber says 1 hour. Man leaves.

A friend of the Barber was visiting the shop at the time so the Barber asks him for a favor and follow this guy to see where he goes.

In 10 minutes he returns and the Barber asks, well where did he go?

Friend says......Your house.
(11)
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what's the best treatment for people who can't shut the blank up?
'On and on and on Anon'
(3)
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Eight hours into his trial Paddy pleads guilty.
"Why didn't you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court's time?"
The judge demanded.
"Well," Paddy responded, "until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent."
(10)
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Something crazy and expensive that I don't really need!"

So I signed her up for radiation treatments.
(7)
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A blonde woman was cleaning her husband's rifle
when it went off and hit him.
She frantically called 911 and said
"OMG I've accidentally shot my husband, I think I've killed him!"
The dispatcher replied "ma'am calm down, first I want you to go and
make sure he's actually dead"
"Okay" she replied...
- BANG -
"I've done that, now what?"
(11)
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