I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
What do we learn from cows, buffalos, and elephants??
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads, and walking.
Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.
My daughter impatiently interrupted: "Yeah yeah yeah. I know I know."
Me: "You do? You know why she is your cousin once removed?"
Daughter: "She was removed from the family, then let back in."
Haha
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?
They can’t pass a bar.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...
WANTED 1 HUSBAND.
Must not beat me.
Must not run around on me.
Must be good in bed.
A few days later the door bell rang, on opening it she saw a real silver fox sitting in a wheel chair. He said I have come about your ad.
Looking at him she said" but you have no legs, that's no use."
He replied "I know but then I cant run around on you!"
She then said "I also notice you have no arms".
"True", he said, "but on the plus side I cant beat you."
So she tried once more, "But are you good in bed?"
He sat back in his wheelchair & said "I RANG THE DOORBELL DIDN'T I."
Man to wife: After all these years, I still tingle when you touch me. I’m not sure if it’s love or poor circulation.
To spouse: Look at the bright side. It’s nice to know that our sex life doesn’t contribute to global warming.
It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.
If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him.
If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.
I can't see the point of that, have you ever met a man who will read the instructions?
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
It was George the Mailman’s last day.
As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.
But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signalled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.
She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.
Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”
“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’
She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb has to really want to change...
(and yes, I'm a therapist... LOL)
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes six visits.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Speaking as a retired lawyer with a back problem, the first is absolutely true, and the second is totally unjustified. .... except when it comes to challenging wills!
Q: How many men does it take to change either a light bulb or a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows. It has never happened.
Q. How many women with raging hormones does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, me. And do you know why? Because no one in this house ever lifts a finger except me! Not one! And even if someone even noticed that the light bulb needed changing, I'm the only person who knows where the replacement light bulbs are kept, and why? Because they've only been in the same cupboard for the last FIFTEEN YEARS! And even if by some miracle someone did notice the light bulb needed changing and did find where the replacement bulbs are kept, they would either decide that getting a stepstool is just too much work, or they would leave the stepstool in the middle of the floor, not to mention all the trash they generated, because they think I'm their bleeping SERVANT! . . . I'm sorry, what was the question again?
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Some Mitch Hedberg one-liners:
I'm sick of following my dreams. I just ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Rice is good if you're hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.
My shirt is "dry clean only"... which means its dirty.
If I had nine of my fingers missing, I still wouldn't type any slower.
I passed a billboard the other day that said "Estimated Lotto Jackpot 55 Million Dollars." See, I didn't know that number was estimated. That would suck if you won and they were like "Oops we were off by 2 zeros. We estimate that you are angry."
Ans: Sooner or later every a**hole gets one.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
One – but the light bulb has to want to change...
A woman comes home from her doctor's appt. and is relaying what was discussed to her husband. she says "he checked my heart, my lungs, my blood pressure, etc. etc., everything is good"
Husband responds "what did he say about your big fat @ss?"
Wife, "oh, we didn't talk about you dear"