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Frankly, I've grown weary of the raunchy, salacious humor that is so prevalent in movies, song lyrics, and on TV. I was hoping this page would be a refreshing change, especially since I come here for advice about my dear, elderly mother. Maybe coming up with a genuinely funny, clean joke is too challenging for some people.
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I was on my way to work, and this Dodge Durango was in front of me going slow. There was a sign in the back window with a number advertising it for sale. So I called it, and a man answered:

Them: "Hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm calling about the Durango for sale?"
Them:"Yes, it's still for sale."
Me: "Does it run?"
Them: "Yes, it does."
Me: "Well then, can you either step on the gas, or get the heck out of my way?"
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A bishop visited a church one Sunday only to find that church attendance was much lower that day than on most Sundays. Outraged, he asked the church pastor, "Did they know I was coming?" The pastor replied, "I didn't tell anyone, but I guess word must have gotten out somehow."
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One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”


Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccups!
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Send: Agreed!
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oooh! I just remembered the words to my favorite song:

I'm in the mood for love,
Simply because you're near me.
Funny, but...

Say, you DO have a funny butt!
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I like silly jokes, dirty jokes, potty jokes, stupid jokes, anything and everything that makes me laugh. I especially like puns, but I've been told that puns are the lowest form of humor. Maybe so, but personally I think that people who don't like puns just can't make them and are jealous of people who can.

So, did you know that there are two kinds of people in the world? Those
who think that there are two kinds of people in the world and those who
don't.

Oh, I'm sorry, you thought I was gonna make a pun, now, didn't you?
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We don't use shampoo at our house anymore. We've saved our money and now can afford real poo.
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A few more funnies:

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I said no to alcohol, but it didn't listen.

It's not good to steal. The government hates competition.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society..." - Mark Twain
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When ignoring trolls fails, publish it to shed light on the problem.
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MargaretMcKen
Sent a message 8 hours ago
Dear ‘Send help’, you may be a mate of ‘mikim’ alias ‘salutem’, or you may be a real different person who happens to like a diet of dirty jokes. Most of us are of an age where we are broad minded, know very well about all the body pieces below the belt, but don’t find it funny to have our noses rubbed in smut. Some, like me, have tried to explain, and have been told repeatedly in messages and posts on line to ‘clutch the pearls’. I’m sending you the Message I sent to him yesterday. Please don’t encourage him (that’s if you aren’t him anyway).

Reply:
I no longer own any pearls, after casting them all before swine.
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I want to apologize to everyone here - you too mikkimball0664 - for getting into a spat. I'm fully aware that what people find humorous varies and I've tried to remain quiet about the posts I don't like. One of them pushed my buttons and we got into a pushing match, ce la vie.

What I find most annoying is that the moderators never, ever jump in until things spiral out of control, and then they go nuclear and erase everything. If they were more proactive it would never have come to that.
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In the words of Rodney King "Can't we all just get along?"

All you really need to do is read over a forum, see what it trends towards and you'll see what the norm is. On this thread it's not risque humor. That doesn't mean you can't start your own dirty jokes thread.
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I want a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you like peace and quiet."
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Polarbear, I have reported the mean condescending pms that I get and nothing happens. As far as the jokes, I only read the ones I like skipping the ones I don't. Although I have reported a few.


CWilly I like your jokes. I think you are funny! But hay that's just me.😁
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Polar, shell and send: Thank you for your kind posts.
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Several years ago, until it was changed, in the old format of Yahoo's comment section, if you didn't like to read comments from someone, you could block them from appearing on your screen, thus you didn't even have to see them.

AgingCare website could certainly use a feature like that in its forum. Maybe if many of us ask AC about it, they may consider it.

Until then, just ignore and skip over anything you don't want to read and/or report it if inappropriate.

Deep breath everyone. There are things and people that are not worth a nano second of your time.
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Watch out Send...Mikk will start pm you like she does me and she doesn't stop...EVER!!! And I am not joking!!!
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It does not matter who Cwillie thinks she is, but many young and old farts on this forum think she is the voice of reason, a real person with common sense, a kind heart, someone whom we can respect and appreciate.

And that is no joke.
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Did you know Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack? His name was Tim.
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It's not that they are X rated, I like a double entendre as well as they next person. It's that they are like little kid potty jokes where you snicker at dirty words even though it isn't clever or funny. And it's that you persist in repeating them just to piss people off.
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Yeah, not feeling the x-rated jokes either. J S.
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mikkimball: If I wanted x-rated, I would read Penthouse mag. JS.
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I appreciate EVERYBODY's jokes. As mrsribit said in the intro to this thread, "please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism." Some are funnier than others, some are "blue-er" than others, and some go right over my head, but I don't care. Everyday there's something new and I love the chuckles I get. I miss Buzzy too, she had some really good ones! I hope that everyone comes back and shares here.
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Oh my cwillie, your jokes reminded me of an incident that happened when I was a teenager.

I was at the grocery store with my purse that could hold all my worldly belongings, I have to pull my hair dryer out to get to my wallet and was suddenly over taken with a really bad idea. I look up while I am holding my dryer and say "stickem up"

Yeah, it was not the response I was expecting and I am afraid I scared 10 years off that poor ladies life. Not to mention how scared I was by the lecture I received.

I guess it looked like a hand held cannon to the checker.

Clever ideas gone wrong!
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”
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How to Maintain a Healthy Level Of Fun in RETIREMENT...

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favours"

Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

When leaving the Zoo, start running yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And My Favourite...

Go to a large Department store's fitting room and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
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Cwillie that is hilarious. Thank you for sharing.
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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping.
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Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone. So, I went outside and told him he wasn't there and he left.
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