mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
more another time
Q: What does a cyclist ride in the winter?
A: An icicle.
Who was the greatest female businessperson in the Bible?
Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
If at first you don't succeed,
Then skydiving definitely is not for you.
Did you hear about this b4?
"Ecclesiastes 1:9 King James Version (KJV)
9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
May 2018
I cannot take credit for this one but I thought it was funny. :)
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Sceptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies,
"She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
The bulls on the ranch have heard a rumor that the rancher has just bought the biggest,,baddest, meanest bull in all of Texas. The local bulls are all talking trash about how they ain't taking no crap from this new guy and he's not gonna get any of my cows, now way, no how.
A few days later a cattle truck backs up to the pasture gate. Before the Cowboys can even open the doors a huge roaring, stomping, snot slinging bull comes storming down the ramp. All the other Bulls take a step back in fear. But one small young bull runs forward, snorting and pawing the ground. His buddies yell, are you nuts? What are you doing? Well, I just want to make sure he knows I'm a Bull!
A man walks into a pet store. He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”
The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”
“Perfect," says the man, "that sounds great I'll take one of those”
He gets the centipede home and says “Mr. Centipede, would you like to go down the pub and have a couple of beers?”
The man gets no response. Maybe he is a little shaken up from the ride home he thinks. I’ll give him 10 mins and ask again.
10 mins later the man says “Would you like head down the pub for a beer?
Again no response. The man thinks to himself. I’ll give him another 15mins and if he doesn’t reply I’m taking him back.
15 mins later the man says to the centipede “Mate, do you want to go down the pub for a beer or not?!”
The centipede replies “I’m putting my shoes on, you impatient bastard!”
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets shorter and shorter, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"
The medical examiner said, "Well, it could be Bubba and probably is, but I can't really say for sure because of the condition of the body. We'll need to get dental records to tell for sure." The sheriff said, "Yes but that will take time. I'd like to be able to tell his family something before that." The medical examiner said, "Bubba's friends Vern and Elmer aren't the brightest Crayolas in the box, but they probably know Bubba better than anybody else. If anyone can look at this body and say whether it's Bubba, it would be one of them." The sheriff said, "Ok, I'll go find them and ask them to come take a look."
The sheriff came back with Vern and Elmer. Vern came in to look at the body. He said,"I don't know. It's hard to tell since the body is so burned. Hey, I know. Turn him over onto his stomach." They rolled the body over, Vern looked closely and said, "That's definitely not Bubba." They turned the body back over and brought in Elmer. He said, "It's really hard to say. Turn him over on his stomach." Elmer took a close look and said, "Ok, now I'm positive that isn't Bubba."
The sheriff said, "I don't get it. You both look at this body from the front and can't tell, but you both look at it from the back and you're sure it isn't Bubba. Why is that?"
Elmer said, "Because Bubba's got two a$$holes." The sheriff and medical examiner both stared at him in amazement, and Vern said, "Yeah. That's how I knew it wasn't him."
The medical examiner said, "I've been a medical examiner for over 20 years and I've never heard of such a thing. Has either of you actually seen this condition?" Elmer said, "No, but it's true. Everybody knows it." The sheriff said, "What do you mean everybody knows it? How do you know everybody knows it?" Elmer said, "Well, every time me and Bubba and Vern go anywhere, people say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'"
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know. That's how far behind I am!