I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Just told my kids I'm older than Google. They think I'm kidding.
(I am also older than computers!)
A: Because she peeked over the garden fence and saw Mr. Green Pea.
it's the side effects
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
1 And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Here are a few aging (old?) jokes from my BIL.
60 may be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
If you answer the phone with "Hello, you’re on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
To me ‘drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.
When someone asks what you did over the weekend, squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
The cop stopped a speeding car, went to the driver:
"Papers, please."
"Sorry, officer, when I stole this car I found no documents."
"You what?!"
"Sure, I opened the glove compartiment to store my pistol, and saw nothing there"
"Pistol?!"
"How do you expected me to shoot the car owner with no gun?"
"You shoot the..."
"Yes, the body is at the trunk. Just be careful not to rip the cocaine bags also there."
The cop was nervous, called for back up, including the police chief.
They arrived in a flash. The commander was quickly asking:
"So, you have no documents?"
"No, officer, they are right here."
"And the gun on the glove compartment?"
"you can open it, there's only kleenex and candy there."
"And I imagine there's no body in the trunk"
The driver opened it, the cops saw it was empty. The chief turned to him.
"I don't understand. The first officer told me you stole a car, had a gun, drugs and a body on it."
"... and I bet he told you I was also speeding."
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
"Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl that loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 people found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador Retriever named Daisy.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Mine: The Mover
His: The Shaker
I used to get my newspaper stolen actually so I can relate. LOL
– Navjot Singh Sidhu
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
WITNESS: Oral...
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.