I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
He said No, many of them begin, 'If I am elected, I promise...'
Captain is allowed.
You are not.
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.So sorry, I am not the joke police, but could not help myself. Lol.
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK, I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago
Try to laugh at yourself with all the stupid things you do with the decline that comes with it,if u can truly look at how silly we get at some of the things that were 2nd nature to us as young adults,it really is so real it’s funny,just don’t tell anyone some of the stupid things I do,that are frustrations throughout my daily life now,that if I didn’t look at and laugh at I wouldn’t except,it’s my daily comedy show,but it’s actually made me more aware and their not as many as b4 I took this stance,but it’s mine and it’s ok! Remember the old saying life’s to short!!! Man we’re they right! Another thing I wrote off an an old folks saying,now look at me!!! 😂 relax you only live once!😮🤭🤫🤣😁
She laughed and said "you're so old and out of date,
just use my cell phone".
Hm, okay then.
So I grabbed the phone, slammed it against the wall and killed the big hairy spider.
I called his mother to let her know she might want to reconsider using the parental controls to disable the Alexa purchasing features on her fire stick since her son is apparently learning how to work Alexa from the commercials...
we will be able to have fun writing graffiti in the bathrooms
that the staff can't understand...
because it's in cursive.
Thanks for sharing your unique solution.
This isn’t a joke, it actually happened and hopefully it’ll put a smile in your day...
A few years back, an annoying but dedicated representative at moms mortgage company decided to constantly call the house starting at 8:30 am until around 7:00 pm EVERY dang day and of course, mom “didn’t feel like talking” to anyone etc etc.; however, she did feel like complaining about “those a**holes” calling day and night. After about two solid weeks of phone ring ring ring followed by mom squawking for twenty minutes, I had had enough of their harassment . Unplugging the phone wasn’t an option “in case someone called” -oh, what to do? <insert Cheshire Cat smile here>. I couldn’t wait for that damn phone to ring again hehehehe...
Finally, it rang and I told mom “gimme the phone” she said “no don’t answer...” “gimme” I said and pushed the talk button, “Ying dong ya” I said, the caller said “uh, hello?” I repeated “Ying dong ya” and the caller hesitantly asks “is, is uh, Glenda there?” and I went full blown Chinese buffet background noise, “eng yi dong mui ching etc etc”- Moms jaw dropped with the best look of what the hell are you doing I grinned and kept in character until the caller hung up I proudly exclaimed “they won’t be calling anymore!” and burst into laughter. As mom picked her jaw up off the floor, I told her “hell, Spanish wouldn’t have worked cause everybody is bilingual I had to throw em a curve ball...”
It worked, not one more call came from her mortgage company again and that was seven years ago. BOOMSHAKALAKA!
Thank you David Kwan’s Chinese Buffet!
I'm now questioning everything I ever knew about life.
(Compliments of Facebook)
So a singer named Mark Ronson recently announced that he is a sapiosexual, meaning he is attracted to intelligence before appearance. Someone posted on a message board: "I just came out to my family as a sapiosexual. Everyone is crying. My mother keeps asking if I've really given f#@&ing idiots a chance."
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie....
their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my spouse and I went into town and
visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a
traffic cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "come on, how about giving a senior citizen
a break".
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an arsehole . He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses...
People scattered… They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Have a great day and remember things are not always the way they appear.
Pretty obvious, can't even remember the last time I ate a monkey.