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I am on a nut free diet, I avoid people who drive me nuts.
(13)
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polarbear -- precisely !! .
(2)
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captain - what is the 'freedom-challenged' you've been talking about? Inmates?
(3)
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i DO love that last joke bout the islander . im working now with the ' freedom challenged ' at a forestry in our state . if they care to wax philosophical -- im all in . they have ideas designed to recover for lost time and make some big bucks when they are released . my advice to them is -- lower your expectations , find a cheaper way to get what you need , walk before you try to fly , and beat the system like a redheaded stepkid .
i know what the hell im talking about . until 6 yrs ago i drove a ' repaired ' 51 chevy truck . still have it . my motorcycle trike is just a bunch of glob welded , crazy sh!t , put together . my current truck is a 700 . 00 gmc sonoma that just keeps ' coming up ' . its now a stout ass little miniature dumptruck . there is NOTHING i would replace it , or the junk trike with .
i think the guys are paying attention .
(6)
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a friendly but raggedly dressed islander gifted a couple of tourists a fresh pineapple and a huge lobster one day . they told him that lobster would bring 50 dollars stateside , he should get a bigger boat , a big crew and go commercial with his fishing . he could become wealthy beyond all local standards , then retire . " what then " asked the islander . the tourists told him he could relax , do as he pleased and just go fishing every day . " thats what i do now " responded the native .
(9)
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A guy was walking down the road and was surprised to see his old friend walking towards him. He stopped to say hello to his old pal and ask him how he was doing.

He told him, “It’s good to see you. How have you been?” His friend responded with, “It’s good to see you too. My aunt died a couple of years ago and left me $10,000. He said to his friend, that was kind of her to remember you. That’s a lot of money.

His friend looked sad. So he asked him, “Why do you look sad?” He said, “Well, my grandmother died awhile ago and left me $35,000.” He responded to his friend, “Gee, that’s nice that she thought of you. That’s a lot of money.”

Still his friend looked glum. He asked his friend again, “Why are you looking so down? Is something wrong?”

The friend replied, “Well, my great uncle died and left me a quarter of a million dollars.”

He said to his friend, “Wow! That’s a lot of money. You can travel, buy a new car and put some money in the bank. It was so nice of your uncle to think of you. I don’t understand why you look so sad.”

His friend replied, “No one died today.”
(6)
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I was taking care of my MIL who has Dementia. I was explaining to her for the umpteenth time that she broke her ankle, had surgery and that a bunch of plates and screws were connecting the bones in her ankle.
She looked at me and said, "so your telling me I'm all screwed up?"
I will never forget that moment. It makes me laugh to this day.
(14)
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Ha Ha pharsytid .
like an axe wound in a gorrillas back .
(0)
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Elderly couple out on a peaceful drive through the woods. Suddenly the man loses control of the car and they barrel down an embankment. Husband calls out to wife,”honey, honey are you alright?” Wife says,” I, I think so but I’ve got an eight inch gash,” to which husband replies,” yes I know, but are you alright?”
(3)
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ya know how long it takes a crew of mexicans to roof a --

never mind theyre already done .
(5)
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a guys wife traps him into the age old question ;
" does this dress make my behind look big ? "
he said " no , its all those fn pies " .
(4)
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communism , socialism , and capitalism made plans to meet for drinks one evening .
socialism came dragging in ' more than acceptably ' late , and explained that he had to stop for a hamburger and there was unfortunately quite a line .
capitalism said " whats a line ? "
communism said " whats a hamburger ? "
(7)
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Barb, that is hilarious.
(2)
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A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the cab was deafening.
(18)
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and the boys say " if it werent for sex theryd be a bounty on em " .
(0)
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Jokes are necessary. We always joke about going to play bingo or senior luncheon. I say, "No boys or bars."
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Whenever I try to eat healthy a chocalate bar looks at me and snickers
(5)
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well , let me cause some trouble before i go to bed ;
ya know how many feminists it takes to change a light bulb ?
two . it takes two . one to turn the light bulb and one to......

oh hell .

your going to have to use your imagination and finish this joke yourself cause if i finish it the moderators ' heads are going to explode .
(0)
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Some old state laws are odd. ~ Dumb Maine Laws ~

>After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
>You may not step out of a plane in flight.
>Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

in Augusta -
>To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

Portland -
>Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
(5)
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wanna hear a good joke ?

California !!
(4)
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one day a guys wife asked him if he realized he was spending 40 bucks a week on beer . he said ' yea , you spend about the same amount on makeup " . she said " well the makeup makes me look pretty for you " . the guy said " yea , so does the BEER " .
(5)
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What concert costs $0.45?

50 Cent and Nickelback!
(7)
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you know what the Irish call ' drunk driving ?

driving .
(5)
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you know the difference between a prostitute bubble bathing and a nun praying ?

the nun has HOPE in her SOUL .
(2)
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Why didn't the ghost go to the Halloween party?







It didn't have no"body" to go with.
(4)
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you know how you spot the crackhead in a grocery store ?
he has his cart upsidedown and is working on the wheels .
(1)
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I just realized that someone replaced the toilet paper roll. I'm now concerned that there is someone living here that I don't know.
(17)
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im gonna make em hire three more moderators . makes the economy go around albeit in a very small way .

( #ors )
(4)
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GrannieAnnie's political joke reminded me of one I read the other day:


I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Parliament//Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!”

“You crafty old bastard,” replied the fairy.
(12)
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I heard that Starbucks id planning on selling beer and wine. Apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee.
(15)
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