I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
he answered. “No peer pressure”
Well, his aggression payed off when my 14 year old son couldn't pay the rent on a property with three houses. He had to give his older brother what money he had and return his properties to the bank.
The 17 year quipped, "I guess that's death by "home-icide."
Unsure what to do, he calls the sheriff. Unfortunately, the sheriff tells the preacher that dead animals are not his jurisdiction and recommends calling the mayor.
Now, the mayor is not the most popular man in town but the preacher is desperate so he makes the call.
After being told of the situation with the dead donkey, the mayor impatiently replies, "Well, isn't it your job to deal with dead beings? Why are you bothering me with this?"
The preacher replies, "You're right. It is my job to deal with dead beings. It's also my job to notify the next of kin."
i hope youre HAPPY now .
Picture Santa Claus kneeling, hands folded in prayer.
Kneeling at the manger, praying to the Baby Jesus.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
She'd been drinking too much eggnog
And we begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication
And she staggered out the door into the snow
When we found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof-prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now we're all so proud of grandpa
He's been taking this so well
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel
It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts
Or send them back (send them back)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair on grandma's wig
I've warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh
And plays with elves
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Singin' grandpa
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Merry Christmas
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Randy Brooks
A few minutes later he is running across the field screaming with an angry bull in pursuit. The farmer runs to the fence and yells "Show him your BADGE!"
First you tell me no sticks or bones in the house.
Then you drag a whole tree in here.
And what is that? An entire skeleton of a bird?
I call a foul!
Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree
Everytime your child acts up throw one of them in the fireplace
He chewed on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
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I Just called the tinnitus hotline.
It didn’t stop ringing.
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In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $6.35.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She said “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings”, so I got her nothing.
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My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it’s over.
So I packed her things and left.
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My wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she hit with was on his phone and drinking a beer.
The police said the man can do whatever he wants in his own living room.
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Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because he finds them on the web.
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The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…
…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.
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Today I got gas for only $1.29.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
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Don’t judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
I fold sheets exactly how I would fight off a boa constrictor
If we all switched to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.....
I picked up a hitchhiker last night...he seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I told him the odds of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical...
There was a woman who had been really sick and was actually seeing "the light" and God said to her ...no, go back, it is not your time. You are going to live a nice long life well into your late years. The woman's health improved and she decided if she was going to live a long life, she was going to get plastic surgery to look great throughout those years. She got a face lift, boob job, liposuction, etc. Dressed in her finest garb, she proceeded to cross the street and was hit and killed by a mac truck. When she entered the pearly gates she said, "God I thought you said I was going to live a long life?" He said, Hell I didn't even recognize ya!
"Did you buy a bag of leaves?"
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Here is a Christmas tree.
My dH says it is leaning to the left.
I say it is one half of a tree, only the right side.
I do get what you're saying about participation trophies, and we may have gone too far in that direction. On the other hand, the winning is everything view can definitely be overdone also.
does everyone get a participation trophy ?
just kiddin ya . ive never liked how cutthroat competition is encouraged in our schools either . in the workplace ive always found that everybody comes out ahead when they work together .
sometimes he'd try a bite of something not to his liking and expressing all the indignation he could muster , he would inform us that " this crap's SKUS - TED . ( disgusting ) .
board games often devolve into bored games .
i thought myself a loser for decades because i sucked so bad at monopoly . now i realize my sister was robbing the bank every time i looked away . btch scarred me for life .
Ok, now I'm going to be one of THOSE grandparents. Please indulge me, and I promise to do the same for you. I spent Thanksgiving with my son and his family. My daughter-in-law suggested we play a new game my 6-year-old granddaughter had. My granddaughter got the game and began reading aloud from the front of the box. She was confused when she got to the term "board game" and said, "It's not a board game." My daughter-in-law said, "Yes it is. The fold-out cardboard you play on is called a board, and games that use those are called board games." My granddaughter said, "But I thought board was when you did this." She then put her chin in her hand, sighed, and stared blankly ahead in a perfect pantomime of boredom.
i used to park him on my left arm and slowly and deliberately pet him the wrong way . he thought he must be pretty special cause none of the other cats got petted backwards .
one day he tried to hop from a rolling desk chair onto the computer desk where he couldnt possibly be ignored . with his front feet on the desk the chair started rolling backwards . the look on his face was hilarious . half embarrassment , the other half ; " i really dont know how to make this end in a dignified way " .
i ' saved ' him with a big hand under his belly and its been our secret until today .