Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
I've been keeping company with a spider. It has an Interesting web design.
(3)
Report

This one's about a Bacon Tree (use your best Mexican accent, guidance given below):

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "



"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees....

Ees...


Ees...
Ees...


Ees...


Ees....
 
… a HAM BUSH!"
(4)
Report

Also, I got a new deodorant today...
The instructions said:
"Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

;-)))))
(3)
Report

Hey there people! Let's keep this page for the funnies, PLEASE. I come to get some relief from the big stresses in my life, to escape for a minute or two...

Please don't post your world worries here, there are other great AgingCare pages to post those on and to get great support/feedback.

Take care, stay calm, be kind, and stay home if you can.
Currently, I'm enjoying a book on anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
(1)
Report

bookluvr - your comment about Chinese people having cellphone as a necessity is correct. News reported that in China 21 MILLION cellphone lines disappeared in the last 3 months while at the same time last year there was an increase in users. What happened to those 21 million people? The Chinese government only reported 3277 deaths due to coronavirus. Anyone believes them?

Sorry, I know this is a joke thread. No more non-joke from me here.
(2)
Report

I was watching several YouTubes from China. It seems everyone have cellphones and internet access - from teenagers to the elderly. They book/pay for their transportation, rent, grocery shopping, etc.. via their cellphone. When they purchase something, they put their cellphone back-to-back to the seller's cellphone... The commenter said that they don't carry cash. Everything is done through their cellphone.... And if you anger the gov't, they can threaten you with denied access to the internet. No internet, no access to your online funds.
(1)
Report

No, I get it, cwillie. I’ve always heard that money is one of the most germ covered items on the planet.

But even so - it just seems to be so symbolic of this devastating place in history.

For years, Ive patroned a number of small businesses who don’t take credit cards. The 2-4% charge that the credit card vendors charge the small business owners has a real impact on their bottom line.

But of course, in this time of needing to stay as low risk as possible when it comes to germs and illness - safety by far overrides the almighty dollar.

While it is completely logical - I find it a significant market in our rapidly changing world.
(1)
Report

Rainmom - customers can swipe or tap their own plastic (credit/debit), cash needs to be handled by staff and will be passed along to other customers.
(1)
Report

Two items from the Funny/Not funny Corona Vault:

The first - not really a joke, but funny in an “OMG! Are you kidding” kinda way...
I went to pay for a take-out order at a local restaurant. They are no longer accepting CASH. Credit cards only. How upside down is that? Cash is no longer good in our new Corona world?

The second is a meme I saw on FB that isn’t nearly as funny in describing as it is seeing - but still...
Its a picture of a man sitting on a couch with a large dog sitting on each side of him. The man is wearing a large Cone of Shame. The speaking bubble above one of the dogs heads says: “We told you not to touch your face. This is for your own good”. Funny. Especially to dog lovers, I expect.
(6)
Report

Bookluvr, belly laugh. Thank you!
(1)
Report

My house got TP'd last night. It's now worth half a million more.
(9)
Report

"My dad called 9-1-1 late one night to report hitting a 6 foot tall chicken while driving & running off into the ditch. He had just crashed his car & his voice was a bit shaky on the phone. The operator asked him to repeat himself a couple of times and then promised to send someone to help.

The first cop on the scene got out of his car with a breathe analyzer in hand. By the time he got back to the dispatcher, he was laughing hysterically over the radio telling people that it wasn't a DUI call. My dad actually did hit a 6 foot tall chicken.

That's the night my dad and all the local cops learned about the emu farm."
(6)
Report

My SIL told me that she had spent two days in her bathrobe which is actually a long nightshirt. There was a worker who came by each of those days. To be her humorous self, she said, well you have seen me rather risque these days. The worker said back, don't worry, I want tell my wife. :) Debra has quite a sense of humor!
(3)
Report

My daytime pajamas are getting mixed up with my nighttime ones so now I have to start all over.
(11)
Report

Not really a joke, but a lesson for people. Read this online. A woman was shopping for her essentials and saw a man with a full cart of toilet paper, lots of sanitizer, paper goods, gloves. The woman glared at him and finally said to him "what a nerve you have, many people needs these items, how selfish you are." The man replied are you finished? I have to get back to work and restock the shelves.

We have a family of four and cut down our shopping from every three to four days to every two weeks. The only problem is we went shopping a few days ago and the shelves were practically empty.
(5)
Report

Me: "Ah Choo!"
Daughter: (in her sing song voice) "Corona"
(2)
Report

”9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”
”There’s a pig in the road. A big one.”
”Sir, where are you?”
”At the stoplight. It’s the biggest dang pig I have ever seen. Get someone here now!” (One stoplight town, the bar is near the intersection.)
”How big is the pig?”
”About the size of a volkswagen?”
”How much have you had to drink?”
”I’m not fricking drunk! It’s a giant pig, the size of a small car! What is wrong with you people?”

officers show up to find a full grown hippo that had escaped from the local wild animal park.
(6)
Report

I answered the phone & gave my usual, "911, do you need Police, Fire, or Ambulance?".
The person on the other end just started screaming, "BEEEEEEEEEES!! BEEEEEEEES!!"
I assumed that the bees were neither mugging him nor on fire. So I put it through to ambulance because what the fr*ck even.
(1)
Report

Aliens talking:
"so how did the earthlings die?"

"They used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out".
(10)
Report

I heard a funny comment last night. "I am now becoming one of those people that says get off my lawn,only I don't have a lawn".
(1)
Report

Fareth:
"You're such a great guy."
"You'd make a good dad."
"I wish I could find someone like you."
"Not *you*, but, you know, someone just like you."

Commenter: I'll translate for you. You're b*tt ugly.
(2)
Report

Shell - I’d like to flip some of yours...

Toilet Papers First Date

Toilet Paper Singer

Toilet Paper Run

Toilet Paper Damage

What can I say? I amuse easily. Good thing too - my state of Oregon just went mandatory “stay at home”... it’s gonna be a looong two weeks but well worth it if it helps kick this crappy situation to the curb!!!

#flatenthecurve. Oops- wrong site but right message.
(3)
Report

Fear of the Toilet Paper

The Walking Toilet Paper

50 first Toilet Paper

Wedding Toilet Paper

Cannon ball Toilet Paper

Smokey end the Toilet Paper

John Toilet Paper

In Her Toilet Paper

Crazy Rich Toilet Paper

Collateral Toilet Paper

Storm of the Toilet Paper

Polar Toilet Paper

Deepwater Toilet Paper

Best Man's Toilet Paper
(5)
Report

This one has stayed with me a long time. When my fellow law students were close to qualification, we were allowed to take small cases. One smart guy asked his witness “Which car reached the point of impact first?”. Just think about it!
(6)
Report

From the Daily News, 26Dec2018.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have been performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
(8)
Report

From the Daily News, 26Dec2018.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
(7)
Report

Obiter Dicta
by Joseph Hilaire Pierre Belloc

SIR HENRY WAFFLE KC ( continuing ) 

Sir ANTHONY HABBERTON, Justice and Knight, 
Was enfeoffed of two acres of land 
And it doesn't sound much till you hear that the site 
Was a strip to the South of the Strand. 

HIS LORDSHIP ( Obiter Dictum ) 

A strip to the South of the Strand 
Is a good situation for land. 
It is healthy and dry 
And sufficiently high 
And convenient on every hand. 


At 2016 land prices: 2 acres of land in Westminster = c £75.5 million. Just the land, not the assets.
(2)
Report

Yet another funny/not funny from the Corona Vault:

”Dad, why did you and Mom name my sister Paris?”

”Because that’s where she was conceived, son”

”Okay, thanks Dad”

”No problem, Quarantined”
(7)
Report

Pretty Toilet Paper
Mystic Toilet Paper
Steel Toilet Paper (ouch)
Runaway Toilet Paper

Toilet Paper to Remember
Rear Toilet Paper
Toilet Paper at Tiffany’s
Valley of Toilet Paper

Youve Got Toilet Paper
French Toilet Paper
When Harry met Toilet Paper
Hanging Toilet Paper

Private Toilet Paper
Almost Toilet Paper
How to Lose a Guy in Toilet Paper
I Wish I Was Toilet Paper

I could do this all night...
(5)
Report

Gone with the TP
Wizard of TP
I LOVE TP
(5)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter