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River,

hahaha. Thanks for the laugh. How about? “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.” I actually hate that song but hey, we could be creative with the lyrics and it would fit.
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I am having a quarantine party and none of you are invited.
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Copied from FB: High-five to the 68 overachievers who scored a DUI in March despite every bar in the state closed!
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“I was at a beach with my kids. They were throwing stones in the sea. I threw a pebble but somehow managed to throw it kinda sideways. It hit my youngest on the head. It was a small pebble. It didn’t really hurt him. 
 
He screamed, “Mummy, you hit me on the head with a rock! How could you!”
 
I swore to him a seagull dropped it on him. Every so often, he’ll bring it up. I will never admit it was me.”
 
Someone responded to the poster above: “You should bring this up on you’re deathbed, but die before you actually tell him it was you.”
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Aaah, Send. I used to Love those kinds of play of words when I was in school. I would share it with my siblings. But it wasn't their style of jokes. Unfortunately, I was the nerdy one - who didn't get their jokes. They had to explain to me the joke. By the end, they either gave up or I said that it wasn't funny or still puzzled....

Ahem... Cwillie, your 2 sentence joke about the iron - I didn't get it. But I Knew it's something that my brothers would have gotten and laughed over it. I had to re-read it at least 6 times within a 30min. time table. I was determined to 'get it'.... I finally got it and chuckled. sigh... For me, that was a simple but difficult one.
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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.😬 The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it 😝.....pull myself together.

And finally, the conversation ended when the window said.....
stop being a pane.
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I can't believe I'm admitting to this, but . . .

when I first came across this forum, I was confused by something I kept seeing. Posters making comments such as, "mom needs to go to NH" or "going to check out NH today" etcetera. . . .

I was puzzled why so many people had parents in New Hampshire! What's up with New Hampshire? Is there something going on there that I'm not aware of? Is it the place to be for seniors?

It took a bit, but I caught on.
#acronymsareyourfriend
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Every country eventually got coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat.
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My mother is so old she won't even buy green bananas.
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I don't get all this cleaning with alcohol,
Nothing gets done after the first bottle.
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bookluvr: Too funny! My friend keeps a slug as a pet!
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"My son stepped on a giant slug in the kitchen in the middle of the night. He ran into our bedroom and stepped on another slug. He let out a blood curdling scream. It woke me up and scared me so badly. I couldn’t sleep for a week. It wasn’t a slug the second time. It was just a sock."
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I was looking up Dip recipes (for sandwich spread, we’re not doing entertainment for obvious reasons). Anyway, I remembered my favourite WikiHow instruction “How to make miniature humans with equipment you probably have around the house”. Thank heavens I'm too old!
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Social isolation is making new contacts more attractive. I struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems a nice guy. He’s a web designer.
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Poster works at the airport transferring checked baggage from the truck into the aircraft.

"Women: if you pack a toy in your bag, take the batteries out. Because if I’m loading your bag, & I hear it vibrating, I have to tell my lead. Then my lead has to come pull you off the aircraft. You have to open your bag & turn off your toy in front of a bunch of giggling grown arse men."
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NeedHelpWMom: TY!  You're awesome!  :) lil
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Lil,

Awesome! 😊
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The Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started......

As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends. They can't remember them either.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing. 
:) lil
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If you drive a car made in Czechoslovakia, should the Czech engine light be on all the time?
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RainMom, before I finished reading the joke, I anticipated that Lecter would be shown writing in agony and dying of CV.    I thought of a few dictators I'd like to see get CV.
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Coronavirus joke vault.

Im sure this would be funnier if you
could actually see it - another meme on FB...

Its a pic of Hannibal Lecter - close up of his face. The caption is Hannibal saying “Don’t worry. When the food runs out - we still have each other.”
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"I had to teach my brother how to drive his car through the car wash. Mind you, I was 17 and had not yet started driving myself. We go to the gas station, & he looked at me. He said, “Hey, you go out with dad all the time. How do I get a car wash?”
 
I stared at him bewildered, then told him to go inside & say he wanted to buy a car wash, pay and bring out the receipt. He does this, then asks me what he should do next. I told him to drive to the car wash, so he did. He seriously sat there & asked me what to do next. I told him to roll your window down, type in the code on the receipt, & then you drive in. He did exactly that. He drove in & we started getting hosed.
 
I yelled at him, “And you put the window up! You put the window up!” It never occurred to me that I would need to tell someone that you don’t leave your windows down in a car wash."
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Lil,

Cute!
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*I've started a business selling toilet paper.  I'm on a roll.

*Life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer you get to the end, the faster it seems to go.

*I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

*What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.

*The bank teller was relieved the masked person was a robber, and didn't have corona.
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Isthisrealyreal,

It must be!! I heard that the manufactures of toilet paper are working overtime to ensure there is enough TP for everyone; however, that doesn't help if people keep hoarding it! Right!!
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This may not be the place, but here it goes.

I call my dad everyday and this morning I asked him how he was handling the stay at home order issued by his state.

He replies, "Just what does stay at home mean?" I promptly said, "Stay at home! It is not a secret code!"

Are people really not understanding what that means?

Is it secret code to rush out to every grocery store and buy toilet paper? Hmmm?
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Something that might give someone else a chuckle too. Our state city has a ‘Peep-a-View’ that is a local joke for frustration. The customer pays to watch a girl stripper behind a window, and every time she gets to something interesting, a blind comes down slap. The customer has to pay again (and again and again) to get the blind up and keep it going. It’s upstairs immediately opposite the Law Courts, with an ad for it on the street. As you can imagine, this is the source of a few more local jokes about professions.

Our news had a story yesterday about the police arresting both customer and ‘personal service provider’ in a brothel interstate, for failing to keep the new 2 meter personal distancing regulation. Brothels have to close! And so ...bonanza for Peep-a-View!

Thank heavens laughing is still legal. At least it was yesterday, it seems to change every day.
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30 days has September,April,June and November. All the rest have 31 except for March which has 8,000.
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There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
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Dear God...

... my prayer for 2020 is for a big FAT bank account and a THIN body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN.
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