Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

But some good news........the funeral homes are doing great. People are dying to go there.

Sorry............that was in very poor taste but I couldn't resist.

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses around town

The bra manufacturer has gone bust.
The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
The tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.
The bread Company has run out of dough.

The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo.

The Chinese restaurant has been taken away.

The shoe shop has had to put their foot down and given their staff the boot.

The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

The pet shop has gone to the dogs.
The butcher's had the chop.
The veg man is in a vegetative state.

The venetian blind shop has closed, so it's curtains for us all

The wall paper shops taken a pasting.

The florists are now pushing up the daisies.
The fish n chip shop has been battered.

The milkman's lost his bottle and finally,
the bread man's toast.

Rejuvenation!

Here’s one suitable for children:

Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The others escaped with minor injuries.

If you're dancing with your honey and your nose is getting runny don't think it's funny cause it's snot.

I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white and red?
Ans: A nun falling down the stairs

Ta Da! My pathetic attempts at humor

Most of these corona comedy jokes need to be followed by rim shots _ Ba Dum, PSHH.

Please do not read this too quickly.

Well COVID-19 pandemic has finally affected me financially. In order to offset the extra cost for prepared food, electricity, cutting the grass, house repairs and gas prices, I’m needing to make some extra money on the side.
So...

I am now humbled to announce that I am selling Adult toys.

I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!!

I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for you. Ask for yours anytime.


I have everything listed below.


-Walkers
-wheelchairs
-oxygen tanks
-canes
-disposable diapers
-fixodent
and more!

copy n paste if you have a sense of humor!!!

Send, you forgot the corn cob joke, again.

Use toilet paper instead.

🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🌽

Send, you forget the corn cob joke.

This will be the last corn cob joke ever!

But I will still be returning to this joke thread again and again.

All of our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them.
All of our cats think we got fired for being the losers that they always thought we were.
All of our narcissistic moms thought we were only there to serve their needs.

I prefer that this thread keeps going. I don't think a new thread will make any difference.

Agreed we need some humor to help us through this trying time.

The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran off with it. A neighbor who saw the scene quickly asked if she was okay, and she smiled and said that it was no big deal because she always carries her old purse when she walks her dog to put the dog's poop in until she can get home to dispose of it.

Cwillie, I think that the ‘scrolling back’ is a bit overwhelming in view of the size of the site. It might be easier to get the moderators to remove a troll if there were better guidelines. The last guy stood on his dignity about ‘don’t berate anyone for their choice of humour’. One option might be about a requirement for ‘likes’. Admittedly the troll set up several site names and ‘liked’ his own posts (almost no-one else did), but the moderators eventually looked at all the ‘reports’ and seem to have got rid of him until a couple of ‘dwarf’ comments recently. More ideas, please!

I don't think a new thread with carefully crafted stipulations is going to keep the people who post questionable comments away, those who troll (and their fans) like to offend and provoke a response.

I think a new jokes thread would be good, but like you Margaret I do not want filth; there's enough alternate and porno sites around for that. I'm fine with suggestive humor, everyone on this site is (or should be anyway) an adult. I like my humor kinda like my mother always taught the best fitting clothes were "tight enough to know there's a woman in there and loose enough to know she's a lady".

Good luck on working the wording out!

I suppose that it would be fine to just recycle some of the earlier jokes from this thread for new people who don't want to bother scrolling back - unfortunately the site where I got most of my jokes was taken down so I haven't had anything new to contribute.

Friends, this thread has been running since August 2012, and it seems to have run out of puff. It started off with ‘likes’ well over 20 for every post, and was almost killed a couple of years ago by the bloke who continually posted absolute filth. We need a good joke site right now! I kept copies of good jokes from years ago, and am thinking of starting a new joke site to use them again. I felt ashamed when a new member asked a few weeks ago if no-one wanted to help lighten the load we all feel, and I have tried.

I will wait and see how many people think this is a good idea before trying a new site. I’d appreciate suggestions about how to word the intro. “Naughty but nice is OK”? Or what? We don’t want anyone else insisting that filth was their ‘choice of humor’ and so within the guidelines.

Please answer.

Lilhelp, I have been tempted to add lippy onto my mask for that pop of colour 👄 😉

I called & suggested all government forego their paychecks until everyone went back to work, paying those taxes and the economy took off again.  They hung up on me.

Women wearing corona masks makes lipstick manufacturers worry about going out of business.  Dentists, too, for men & women.  Breath mints will be a new surplus.

I was enjoying The Zoo on tv.  Then I started feeling like the animals, sort of free, but not really lately because I kept running into a wall.

This is hilarious! Hairdressing with 'physical distancing' - video made by a couple of hairdressers in New Zealand while in lockdown:

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/video/news/video.cfm?c_id=1&gal_cid=1&gallery_id=219664

COVID Mask Video

https://youtu.be/U4c5eo_3-y0

Perhaps she thought that Fifi could just do the business via Peep-a-View!

A woman was considering breeding her fancy pedigreed French poodle. She was surprised to hear about the stud fee and asked, "You mean, Fifi is the one who has to pay?"

Hey, MargaretMcKen, that reminds me of a comment about a restaurant (pre coronavirus of course): Nobody goes there anymore because it's so crowded.

Thanks to Cuz49341 who originally posted this on another thread, way back in 2013. Ladies, you will all be able to identify with this one:

FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM?"

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED it? You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest? you've GOT to be kidding!).

I’ve got another true personal experience, when the tram company announced at a community meeting that they were cutting out a stop because ‘no-one ever uses it and it slows down the service timetable’. A particularly loud lady whose voice I wish I could replicate here, stands up and says ‘If no-one ever uses it, how can it slow down the service?’. Fair enough question, Erin!

Margaret, I am NOT kidding. My local bus service actually told that to me!!! That was the reason supplied that they continually left my 12yr old at the side of the road.

To add to that, their 'run sheet' stated S.C. Some new drivers stopped at the Secondary College, some at the Shopping Centre & some at a Secondary Collage in the next suburb! My 12 yr old being dropped off at random places for her first taste of high school & public transport was NO JOKE.

But being a joke site:

The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.

Suddenly, a baby starts crying.

"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."