I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
A broken condom is eighteen.
-“No father, she gossips too much.”
“How about Lady Elizabeth of Kent?”
-“No father, she plays cards too much.”
”Well, who then?”
-“Father... the gardener has such a handsome son...”
”Harry! He’s Roman Catholic!”
This gives so many people hope.
This gives so many people hope!
Q: What do you have in common with your husband?
A: We were both married on the same day.
I should have realised - Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
"Due to the Stay-at-home order, I finished 3 books yesterday,
and believe me, that's a lot of coloring."
Love it! And also the excuse on another thread "Sorry, I have to wash the cat".
A Sunday school teacher is discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asks, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
One boy immediately answers 'Thou shall not kill.'
Two boys were walking home on Sunday after hearing a good old fashioned Hellfire sermon. One says to the other, 'What do you think about this Satan stuff?'
The reply? 'Well, you know how Father Christmas turned out. It's probably just your Dad dressed up.'
The news is so dreadful that we all need a smile. Here are some uplifting thoughts to make us all feel just so much better:
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
But I laugh more.
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
Out-laws are wanted!
The three hardest things to say...
1. I was wrong.
2. I need help.
3. Worcestershire sauce
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, a non-romantic, replied: "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."
I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test...same thing.
I asked my grandpa, "After 65 years, you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's the secret?"
He said, "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm scared to ask her."
I heard the government is putting chips inside of people....
I hope I get doritos.
We're going to have to stop using the expression "avoid it like the plague", because it turns out people do not really do that
Covid is starting to feel like the check engine light - at first it freaks you out but after a while you're like "meh, I gotta get to work"
Then I realized, if that really were Jimmy Peterson, he'd have grown up too...
If people are talking behind your back, just fart.
Question: What's the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Answer: Anyone can pop corn.
“I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. However it was a rocky road.”
"It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen". Mamie van Doren
A group of bikies were having a snack in a motoway cafe, when they started taking the mickey out of a short bloke having a coffee. He got up quietly and left. The bikies laughed as he walked out, and shouted “Not much of a he-man, you might say”. The girl behind the counter said a couple of minutes later “Not much of a driver either. He’s just backed his semi-trailer over eight motor bikes".
Teacher asks ‘If you have ten lollies and your sister asks you for four, how many do you have left?’
Prompt answer: Ten.
A four year old was drawing one of those pencil pictures that end up on the fridge door. The kindergarten teacher asked what it was. Little girl says ‘God’. Teacher says ‘But no-one knows what God looks like’. Little girl says crossly ‘They will when I’ve finished’.
A friend and I are going to buy some glasses.
And after that?
After that we'll see....
Danger Will Robinson DANGER!
A taxi driver was having a good old moan to his fare about back seat drivers and how much they annoyed him. The fare says’ Well I’ve been driving for years and I’ve never been annoyed by a back seat driver”. “Don’t believe you. What did you drive?” Answer: “A hearse”.
The deceased’s will was being read aloud to the family after the funeral. It was all very solemn until the lawyer got to ’and to my brother Bruce, who kept saying that I should remember him in my will, G’day Bruce’.