I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Admirer: Goodness, what lovely diamonds!
Ms West: Goodness had nothin' to do with it.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
European!
A girl who lived off campus in college asked to borrow my car so she could take her clothes to the laundry to wash. She did and let me know that I could pick up my car. When I parked my car at the dorm, I saw black panties in the back seat. When I picked them up, I saw the word Friday sown in red letters on them. I've often wondered what the other days of the week were colored but I did not ask her when I returned her panties. I thought, if Friday was black, then Saturday must be red with that day sown on them in black letters. Then possibly, Sunday was white because she'd go to church and confess her sins. :)
The policeman says, "What's he like?"
The little boy replies, "Beer and women."
"Sorry." said the genie. "That's the one wish I can't grant."
"In that case," said the man, "I want to live until the day that the government is filled with honest men and women whose sole and only wish and purpose is to do their best possible job for the sole benefit of their constituents."
The genie: "You crafty, old bastard!"
Which one of the following does not belong with the others:
Binoculars, Eyeglasses, Goggles, Handlebars, Jeans, Pliers, Scissors, Shoes, Tweezers?
Shoes are the only "pair" that actually has two separate pieces.
Thinkie about it!
TREAT YOUR MASK LIKE UNDERWEAR
Do not touch or adjust (especially in public).
Do not borrow or lend.
Make sure fit is tight but comfortable.
Make sure it is clean.
Wear the right side out.
If it is damp, change it.
Don't go commando.
On the first day he paints 6 miles, and his supervisor is amazed.
the second day he paints only 3 and on the third day only 1. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem is. the guy replies...Well sir every day I have to walk farther and farther back to the bucket of paint.
Lawyer: “Now then Officer Smith, would you say that you trust your fellow officers?”
Officer Smith: “Yes sir absolutely, I trust them with my life.”
Lawyer: “I see. Now tell me, do you have a communal locker room at your station?”
Officer Smith: “We do…”
Lawyer: “And do you have locks on those lockers?”
Officer Smith: “Yes”
(Lawyer grins, smugly turns to face the jury and pulls on his lapels)
Lawyer: “But I don’t understand Officer Smith, if you trust your fellow officers why do you need locks? Isn't it a bit strange that you say you would trust someone with your life but not your wallet?”
Officer Smith: “Ah well you see sir, we share our building with a courtroom and occasionally lawyers have been known to walk through there…”
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20.00 bill. The hot dog vendor puts it in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" the Zen Master asks.
The vendor responds...."Change must come from within"
"Tomorrow" his wife angrily told him, "there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds!"
Next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package on the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it...and found a brand new ...bathroom scale....
Funeral services have been set for her husband for Saturday.
All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Plain and simply stated: "Being of sound mind and disposing memory, we spent it all!"
The defendant answered: my name is Joshua your honor.
The judge asked: Are you the Joshua that made the sun stand still?
Defendant answered: No sir! I am the one that made the moonshine.
"Oh, dear, the mother sighs. "What happened honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes then double billed the insurance company"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is looking at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over and apologies. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I am studying how people respond to embarrassing situations".
To which he responds at the top of his lungs..."What do you mean $200?"
I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me.
So in retrospect, in 2015, not single person got the answer right to "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"
Everything for summer has been cancelled...Let's just put up the Christmas tree and call it a year!!!
"Covid testing in the rear."
The girl leans over the counter and says.."Burrrrrgerrrrrr, Kiiiiing".