I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
The race is not always to the swift, but that’s the way to bet.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would.
Because sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil.
I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
1) Indecent ten years before its time
2) Daring one year before its time
3) Chic in its time
4) Dowdy three years after its time
5) Ridiculous thirty years after its time
6) Amazing a hundred years after its time.
She wishes to be rich, to be young again and for her cat to be turned into a handsome prince...
As she melts into his embrace, he whispers to her.."Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered"....
The following actually took place.
Waitress: Do you have any questions or are you ready to order?
My husband: Yes, I was wondering if the chili was fresh?
Waitress: Yes Sir, we just opened the can this morning.
We still laugh about the incident and how generational differences can be so funny.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Every good cook should have principles – mine is to finish the bottle.
Pregnancy is when you can’t say ‘Let’s just forget the whole thing’.
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportionate to the cost of the wedding.
The old gent thought it over for a few seconds and replied, "I don't know. What kind of ammo ya' got?"
Once outside, the dog turns to the man and says, "So, I should have said Dimaggio?"
Stop – Look ---Listen ---Run
Between you and me, something smells.
A receding hare-line.
They always take things literally.
Never stab a fork into a cherry tomato.
As soon as coffee is served, the flight will encounter turbulence.
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
(Sophisticated travelers guess turkey or veal)
No matter what they’re telling you, they’re not telling you the whole truth.
No matter what they’re talking about, they’re talking about money.
Doctor: wow Mrs. F, you are a bit stiff.
Mrs. F: I am an old stiff, hahaha.
Doctor: you're an old stiff?
Mrs. F: Yes, I am an old stiff, but not as stiff as I am going to be.
This is why I love this woman. Everyone in the room busted up laughing, so I thought that I would share.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
The Law for Visitors to the Wild Wild West:
Never eat at a place called Mom’s.
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never talk more than 10 minutes with someone with more troubles than you.
I think dfghj443 needs a spellcaster to explain to her what spamming is.
The lion and the lamb shall lie down together – but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
early Steve Martin
1) If you are looking forward to just three good social events, you will find they all happen on the same evening. Probably the TV will be good that night, too.
2) If you’re watching TV, the cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks totally adorable, you will need to go to the toilet.
3) TV spectator sports save their exciting moments for when you have actually gone to the toilet.
GRRRRH
"A man has blown up part of his house in France while trying to swat a fly.
The man, who is in his 80s, was about to tuck into his dinner when he became irritated by a fly buzzing around him.
He picked up an electric racket designed to kill bugs and start swatting at it - but a gas canister was leaking in his Dordogne home.
A reaction between the racket and the gas caused an explosion, destroying the kitchen and partly damaging the roof of the home in Parcoul-Chenaud village.
According to local media, the unnamed man had a lucky escape, sustaining just a burn to the hand.
However, the fate of the fly is not known, news outlet Sud-Ouest notes."
As they undressed the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size or her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said.
"That's right!" he said "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family".
With that she tossed her panties to him and said, "Try these on"
He looked at her..
"Go on" she urged, "go on"
He tried to put them on and found he could only get them to his kneecap.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties"
She said "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes"
My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup...
Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee...
I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck...
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy....
Well I guess that's the price we pay for getting old. It's not all that bad, we should be thankful that we can still drive!
2000 BC Here, eat this compound of root..
100's AD Don't touch that root, it is the tool of the devil, Say this prayer.
1850's AD That prayer is pure superstition, drink this potion
1940's AD Believe me that potion is snake oil, swallow this pill
1970's AD That pill is ineffective, you must take this antibiotic
2000's AD That antibiotic is artificial, Here, eat this compound of root.