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EB,

It happens!
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Came out of the grocery store and brother mother and niece in van, I put my hands up like a moose ear thinking it was my brother while saying nana nana, but it was not my van and not my brother, the man in his van looked at me and probably thought I was completely nuts. I was embarrassed.
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I waited all night to see where the sun would rise -


Then it dawned on me.


(I guess that means I have to start my day now)
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I went to see an audiologist for some new hearing aids. She had just graduated. So, I noticed on her card after her name were the letters Au.D. Doctor of Audiology.

I told her yesterday on the phone something funny that I had created from her degree. I told her that I could see her wanting to buy a car made by Audi with the money earned by her Au.D. She liked that and had not heard that one before.

Well, the salary range for someone like her is anywhere from $60,000 to $200,000 per year and she's just started. We do have an Audi dealership here in town.
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cwillie: Good one!
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cwille,

Fantastic! Loved it.
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Love it, cwillie.
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An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10 please".
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She leaned down and respectfully told her, "you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she said. The teller then handed it over very friendly and respectfully to her.

The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
the moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
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Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Cowboy wisdom
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H and W were arguing yet again. “Okay, Okay” she admitted at last, “so I enjoy spending money. But name one other extravagance.”
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Primary school has a local clergy member visit for one lesson each week. This week’s visitor says there’s a small money prize for the kid who can name the most important person in the Bible. Hand shoots up. ‘Jesus’. ‘Well done, prizewinner’. After the visitor leaves, teacher says ‘I was surprised by your answer, seeing that you’re Jewish’. Eight year old says ‘Well of course I thought Moses. But Hey! Like my Dad says, business is business’.
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H and W were arguing yet again. “Okay, Okay” she admitted at last, “so I enjoy spending money. But name one other extravagance!”
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Several people on the forum have lost loved ones this week, so wanted to just be silly for a moment.


What do you get from a pampered cow?


Spoiled milk.


(if it smells funny, don't drink it!)
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A glass half full may be a positive thing.
But please remember the other half is 100% empty!
🤔
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Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving of their own accord from where you left them to a place of their own choosing.
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Thank you for making me laugh!
Cwillie I really like your test for covid. I have copied it and sent it to some friends. :-))
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Bumper Sticker:
If God did not want us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?
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Jewish mother meets friend and stops to chat. ‘My son is seeing a psychiatrist’ she says proudly. Friend doesn’t quite know how to respond, and says ‘Oh dear, I’m sorry’. Matriarch says ‘Sorry nothing. He goes twice a week, pays $70 a time, and all he does is talk about me!’.
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I absolutely feel I will need that Covid test by Friday night 🍷🍷🤣🤣
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Cwillie
love the wine joke. Have to add it to my collection. 🍷
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New mother with triplets in a pusher meets MIL’s friend in the street. She says ‘There have never been triplets in your family before’. New mother, proudly, ‘Yes the doctor says it only happens once in a million times’. Friend ‘My goodness, when did you manage to do the housework?’.
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Here's one for the "coffee" lovers:


Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.
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I got a book of Jewish jokes, some of them probably funnier if you have more background than I do. I liked the one about the middle aged man who goes back to the old country to see his old Jewish grandmother. He’s changed his name to Sam, and married a wife who is clearly not Jewish. ‘Sam, do you still go to the synagogue on Saturday?’. ‘Well it’s really difficult for business reasons, Grandma’. ‘Do you still eat Kosher food?’ ‘Grandma I often can’t, once again it’s hard when you go to a restaurant with a business colleague’.

Grandma looks worried but trying to understand. Then she stops to ask anxiously: ‘You still circumcised, Sam?’
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How to test yourself for the corona virus

Step one: pour a glass of wine and try to smell it
Step two: if you can smell the wine then drink some wine to see if you can taste it
Step three: great, if you can smell and taste the wine you can confirm that you don't have the corona virus

Last night I did the test 9 times just to make sure and all were negative, thank God. Tonight I'm going to take the test again though because I woke up with a headache and I feel like I might be coming down with something. I'm so nervous!
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From my eight year old nephew...

I would tell you a poop joke, but it stinks.
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Heard a stupid joke earlier. It’s lame but here goes...

Why is the basketball wet? Because it kept getting dribbled on.

Told you it was dumb. 😊
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Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.


He kept leaving littles messages around the house.



(our dog leaves littles messages in the yard without eating Scrabble tiles :) )
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True story joke (although some may not find this humorous) - cousin told me that down the street from her childhood home was a funeral parlor and she and I used to hide in coffins. I said "No, not me - do I look like I would do that?" I do not joke and on the rare chance that I may, not one person would get the joke.
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Nobodygetsit, I’m sure you realise that I buy Op shop books of jokes, looking for things to give our site friends at least a smile. Then I give the books back to an Op shop and buy some more. Your puns are making me regret getting rid of ‘Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids’, which was about 90% puns. I thought no-one could keep down the rising gorge, and I just gave up on it. Your jokes are proving how wrong I was! By the way, I apologise for the lift grey hair joke, it was funny but pretty gross, I won’t do it again.

Thanks to all the posters who help on this, and thanks to the 'thumbs uppers' who encourage us. I was ashamed a few months ago when a new poster asked mournfully why there was nothing to cheer her up, and decided to try a lot harder. South Australia where I live has social distancing rules but no current community Covid transmission, so visiting the local Op shops, signing in, hand sanitising and then heading for the ‘humor’ books is a new hobby.
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Ahhh, for old times sake -


Why can't male ants sink?


They're buoy-ant.


(Just wanted to be silly!)
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