I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Alva, I've just skimmed through a synopsis of Powers' Overstory and added it to my book list. Barnes & Noble, here I come!
There I've managed to make a joke that is offensive to both elderly and religious folks.
I had to have a huge dead tree removed recently. I couldn’t take the chance of it falling on the neighbor’s house to cause damage during a hurricane.
We do miss trees. Isn’t it interesting how trees bloom their hearts out the season before dying. It’s their last hurrah! They rally too.
Cost me $1700 to remove that tree! I called several tree removal companies and that was the going rate.
When I was a kid we actually had to puts rocks in wheel barrels to move them to another area of the front yard. I can't imagine the rich and famous taking a rake to their own yards, much less the wilderness out West.
I like tulip trees too. Never knew they existed until I moved to to my current state of residence.
A traveler some years ago has trouble with his watch (probably before batteries), finds a shop in the small town street with a window display of clocks and watches, goes in and asks the shopkeeper if he can fix the watch. The guy says no, he doesn’t deal with watches or clocks. Traveler is a bit piqued, and asks why the window display, then? Answer ‘I like clocks’. Traveler ‘Why not advertise what you actually do?’. Shopkeeper ‘I circumcise all the boy babies for the district. What do YOU think I should put in the window?’.
Should I make a joke now?
Love you all!
Iv'e hugged it too,thanking it for all the fun it gave me growing up.It never answers back,but I still talk to it anyway.It's my favorite~
Joke #1 was posted a long time ago by Polar Bear. (Priest in the closet).
Joke # 2 & #3 were posted by BuzzyBee and liked by e v e r y o n e, so much.
Joke # 5 was posted by Margaret McKen and proves that politics and religion discussions stand the test of time, are not banned on the forum.
Not my jokes, but did you all "like" them?
Two grandmothers at the playpark, sitting together and discussing life. And one says to the other "Look. Look at that boy over there. Did you ever see such ears on a kid. Those are HUGE ears. Oh, and by the way, that nose; what a nose on that child." A few moments pass and she says "Oh, and those knees, so bowed. And the feet; we used to call those pigeon toed".
Finally the other grandmother turns to her and says -- yes, you got it --"But that's my GRANDSON you are talking about".
And without a pause the first critical one says "But WAIT. You never let me FINISH! I was only going to say that............On HIMMMMMM it all looks GOOD!"
That's ok, it's easy to do even if you do keep reading it over and over - our eyes start to play tricks on us especially before that first cup of "java."
I've done that with so many regular comments on threads - the EDIT button has become my friend. Even then, I've had to go back many, many times! Geez, I just had to use it on this post after I've been gone awhile!! I'll blame it on my lousy instant, decaf coffee!! Husband is bringing back the "real" thing (not coke, caffeinated coffee).
I still understood what you were trying to say! :)
Because he kneaded the dough.
(now that takes the cake - actually, I could use some bread myself!)
I heard it on an audio book and it did not credit it to anyone, I just thought it was a great saying and so timely.
Thats one of my favorite quotes! Glad to see it.
The way I remember it is
There is so much bad in the best of us
And so much good in the worst of us
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
I memorized it that way as a deterrent to gossiping in my 20s. Lol
I think it’s attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson.
One says, "Lookout, here comes a Saint Bernard".
The other, says, "I just opened a new branch".
Cannot believe they served "mice" burgers.
Is this a typo I asked? Did you mean nice burgers?
I ordered one to try it.
As I sat there, staring at it, the burger ate my cheese!
"So, Mike, what do you think of her?"
"I'll be honest, Pat. She's not a very good cook, is she?"
"True."
"And she doesn't act all that nice to you."
"Again true."
"Can't she wear more than a bathrobe and slippers when company comes?"
"I guess not."
"So what's the attraction, Pat?"
"She can drive at night."
The parrot says again "Jesus is watching."
The burglar says "Hey, cool. You can talk. What's your name?"
The parrot says "My name is Moses."
The burglar snorts and says "What kind of morons name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot responds "The same morons who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Three things to think about:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.
With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
The joke below is Joke #1.....