I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Did you know that whenever I pass by the section of the grocery store that sell live lobsters, crabs and other fish I practically start bawling?
Hubs always laughs cause I always say prayers for them as we walk by.
Sadly, our pet turkey has passed away and we are holding a
visitation. In lieu of flowers, please bring a salad or a side dish.
It read: 350 degrees.
That can't be right, he gobbled.
The first guy slept with Brant and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Brant snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Brant shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Brant into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Brant sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
I had a lot of dough in that house.
_They're Uncomfortable
_You only wear them in Public
_And when you don't wear one...
Everyone Notices
Me: Alexa, what's the weather going to be this weekend?
Alexa: Why? Where do you think you're going?
WS Gilbert (not about Sullivan, I hope)
You can’t cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
‘How come you never see a headline “Psychic wins lottery”.’ Jay Leno
"The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics as no other fact can" Wilhelm Reich
My DH one time hurt his dominant hand and was able to switch to alternative hand ten pin bowling successfully!
It was dead.
Answer: Because they don't meet the koalafications!
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
Answer: A tuba toothpaste!
Why is England the wettest country?
Answer: Because the queen has reigned there for years
Today is "selection" day for our president, so I thought I'd send in a few more cute ones. We all need to smile, giggle and laugh a bit more.
Most of my teachers were nuns. I only had a couple of teachers that weren’t nuns. I had very strict teachers.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
I read a lot of US books about house design and eco-whatsit, which keeps me up to date on non-metric. My daughters don’t have a clue – I remember one of them asking how deep the water off the end of a jetty, me saying ‘about 12 feet’, her saying ‘what does that mean’. So sad! I’ve forgotten the niceties of Fahrenheit temperature, except that I was one of the kids who did a year 10 chemistry exam in a motor pavilion on a day of 110F, probably more under the iron roof. Kids kept falling sideways fainting. And now I do oven temperatures in Centigrade, too.
My DH is ambidextrous, which ought to encourage me. But in fact it reminds me of someone who told me about bus timetables: ‘They do it to amuse’.
Paul, how do you measure?
Smartphone: Do nothing, it's magic.
Car: Wait six months, it'll be right again.
Microwave: Obtain a degree in electrical engineering.
Hahaha, too funny! I was a huge Beatles fan. I also loved them individually. Adored, John but wasn’t a fan of Yoko.
She did inspire John to write good music though. He loved her. Guess that’s what matters the most.
Beatles came to my city, New Orleans when I was nine years old. I begged my parents to go. Tickets were only $4.00. Mom said she didn’t want to be around all the screaming girls. I told her that I wanted to be one of those screaming girls! Hahaha
They played at City Park but I missed it. 🙁 My parents wouldn’t bring me.