mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Rude -olph.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house!
I am dressing up for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I have not worn makeup it seems for ages perhaps a little makeup might be nice.
My biggest concern will be what to wear from the bedroom to the living room for Christmas Day.
I might not go. 🤔
At least you and your spouse along with some friends had a good time putting them all in books if nothing else!
Like you said, they are all organized now if there should ever come a day when they make a comeback.
You're right - I never thought about how kids would be spending their time during the pandemic. Hobbies may be non-existent and they are driving their parents crazy!
We went through and organized them, my spouse and a couple we are friends with spent about 2 weeks going through everything with a valuable stamp book from the library. The most valuable thing about it was the great 2 weeks we all had.
I figure that it is easy enough to store them now that they are organized that maybe at some point things will change and there will be a group that wants them.
I am thinking that right about now how parents wish that their kids had hobbies that entertained them and their time.
I still send cards whether it's for birthdays, anniversaries, get well wishes or holidays along with personalized handwritten notes in all of them and use the stickers that a lot of organizations send in their mailings. Just like you said, I think people feel special when they open their mailbox and find a little something in it just for them. When I was young, I loved going to the mailbox to see what was in it wondering if "today" was the day there'd be a letter or card in it!
It is definitely a lost art -
I bet that took you by surprise when you discovered there was nowhere to donate your trunk full of inherited stamps and probably had to just throw them away.
I think that the world would be a better place if everyone took the time to put a love note in the mail to family and friends.
I inherited a trunk full of stamps and thought to donate them for a youth program, yikes, they don't exist in my community. No wonder communication is so minimal, two entirely different realities, or maybe 3 or 4.
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
(wait a minute - does anyone even remember what cards and stamps are)?
Everyone in attendance wanted to know what the T.V.'s were for.
The pastor announced, that he could see the front doors of the church. If the police came, he told everyone to grab a T.V., and as they were leaving, to say they were just looting.
The hand that lifts the glass should not be used to change gears.
All motor cars need chokes to stop the back seat drivers.
Perhaps still up to date:
For some drivers, the best safety device is a rear vision mirror with a policeman in it.
A cold is both positive and negative – sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.
And an almost-politics joke:
In an argument, the best weapon to hold is the tongue.
The bus that left the stop just before you got there was your bus.
Any bus that can be the wrong bus, will be the wrong bus – all others are out of service or are full.
All buses heading in the opposite direction, drive off the face of the earth and never return.
stay away from negative people
Resolutions from 2020...
stay away from positive people
The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.
Getting up in the morning is simply a question of mind over mattress.
The only man who got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
The howling success – the baby that gets picked up.
People and pins are useless when they lose their heads.
Da-da!
LOL 😂 LOVE IT!!!
How lovely that you wrote a book about your experience.
Your mom sounds adorable!
Also, I wrote a book about when we took care of my mom, with Alzheimer's, called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." One of the funny anecdotes in there is when my mom wanted to tell someone that she pounded the pavement, looking for a job (an accounting job) in NY, after college, but what she said was," I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. Here's to the benefits of humor!
The largest condom factory in the United States burned down. President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Trump: "Oh d*mn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Trump: "Okay, I'll call Boris Johnson and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested..
All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL..........
>
>Badbobby, being unhappy with the Mrs mood swings,
> bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be
> able to monitor her moods.
>
> They discovered that when She's in a good mood, it
> turns green. When She's in a bad mood, it leaves a
> big frickin red mark on Badbobby's forehead.
>
> Maybe next time BB will buy her a diamond.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Excuse me? I was told there would be a special place for me here?
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When I returned, the doctor was shocked that I lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
I nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" the Doc asked.
"No, from skipping."
An 85 year old man was visiting his doctor for his annual check-up.
“So Mr Jenkins, how are you keeping?” the doctor inquired.
“Doctor, I’ve never felt better,” Mr Jenkins responded. “I’ve even married my 18 year old girlfriend recently and she’s now pregnant with my child. So, how about that then?”
The doctor considered this momentarily and then said, “Let me tell you a story Mr Jenkins. A friend of mine was a keen hunter. One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up an umbrella instead of his gun.”
“Really?” said Mr Jenkins.
“Yes,” said the doctor. “Anyway, he was in the woods when suddenly a very large grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?”
Dumbfounded the old man said, “No Doc, what?”
“The bear dropped dead in front of him,” the doctor replied.
“No Doc, that can’t be right.” said the old man. “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Exactly!”