mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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He told me to stop going to those places.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
The plastic bags was for my mother – she threw away my ‘journal’ letters from my trip around India, but kept all those carefully washed plastic bags.
The mess was me, but then I only tidy up if we are having visitors, so it does take a long time.
The haircut was me too, when I was trying to grow my hair (DH2 had a thing about long hair), and realised too late that I was going back to Mia Farrow!
I did that less than an hour ago. And I'm afraid I may have said thank you when dismissed.
Sigh, some stereotypes are just true.
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Looking away so violently as someone in front of you enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
More to come!
Then their curator said to the squirrels: You have made a real nuisance of yourselves. Go down to the river and be baptized into the same family.
Help your family move logs around to build up the river. Build it back better.
Several squirrels showed up at a retreat, and were sent out on a quest.
Once they returned, the squirrels were deified and made leaders, called their 'spirit animal'.
Other squirrels were recruited and taught to sing and raise their hands.
These squirrels were called worship leaders. Their favorite song, being:
"Christmas, Christmas, don't be late!".
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels knew instinctively how to swim, unfortunately, and liked the slide so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures, so, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more effective strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. After they took the first squirrel and circumcised him, they haven’t seen a squirrel since.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because ....
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because ....
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Forgot what side he was on.
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Yeah!
Got it - I was just looking at my "edit" but, you combined the joke and edit!!
At least "no" and "know" sound the same :) - lol!
I was just going by what you said or meant, Lol. 🤔
I "get it" - very clever - lol!!
Wait a minute, did you mean to say "I don't 'no'?"
Edit:
I don't no, but I think that "Right" is spelled r-i-g-h-t .
Correctly is spelled right.
This is a joke.
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley -
They were both assaulted.
(P.S. this was not meant to be offensive in light of what happened at our nation's Capitol - I was actually thinking about the "salt").
'Cause they're really good at it.
Business is so bad that even the shop-lifters have stopped coming.
The human race is faced with a cruel choice – work or day-time television.
This shop is so quiet you can hear the overheads piling up.
And for some people: The office is a great social center, but it’s no place to get any work done.
"What is life?!!!!!"
"What is death?!!!!"
"What is game over?!!!!"
All shouted at the top of his lungs. Ah, at least I appreciate dark humor along the way.
It was full on the 29th, what is it doing still full?
Do ya think it is stuck that way?
Maybe going to be full all of 2021? 🌑🌕🌑🌚🌝🌛
Nothing would surprise me!
Happy New Year to Margaret McKen!
Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
You're muted.
Makeup would be nice.
I was fixing myself up in preparation for the holidays, and used a new face moisturizer.
It caused a bad reaction, leaving a burning "butterfly" rash on my cheeks mostly. It looks like the rash described when someone has Lupus. I don't have a diagnosis of Lupus.
Last time I did wear makeup, my eyes burned and I could not see straight.
Still, I might not go....