I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
'I’m depressed. Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but play games and send mail about baseball. And I’ve got this pain right through my CPU. I’ve asked times for it to be fixed but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were just to log out again.'
Yikes – this is true! It usually starts with a joke, but this was a shock!
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
As far as I remember Army surplus quite often has a lot to answer for in these things. Have you got the one about the genius who fired himself into a cliff face, Margaret?
Larry Walters of LA received an amazing honorable mention for the Darwin Awards in 1982.
He bought 45 Army Surplus 4 foot diameter weather balloons, filled them with helium, and attached them to his comfortable lawn-chair. His plan was to float about 30 feet above his backyard. He took with him sandwiches, lite beer, and a pellet gun. Unfortunately when his friends cut the anchor cord, he rose rapidly and leveled off at 16,000 feet, right into the approach corridor of LA’s international airport. Many pilots radioed in ‘incredulous reports of the strange sight’. Eventually Larry shot a few balloons and decended. His wires caught in a power line and blacked out part of LA for some time.
Federal Aviation Admin was not amused. “We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, a charge will be filed.”
Yeah, go Larry – He said ‘I’ve fulfilled my 20 year dream to fly!’
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on – Dean Martin
A German woman wanted the ultimate photo of ‘the running of the bulls’ in Nimes, southern France. She got over the safety barriers, stood in the middle of the road, camera to her eye, looking for the best photo-shoot angle. She was toppled by a horse whose rider was coming fast in front of the pack, and couldn’t stop in time. She was then ‘trampled by six rampaging bulls’ before being rescued. She died of her injuries in hospital.
Gruesome, but you have to snigger.
Mind you, selfie suicides are now much more common, so stupidity itself has not died. I must check the Darwin Awards site again! They are checked for accuracy, and Honorable Mentions are given for near misses.
If I get enough likes, I'll type in my favorite..
By the way "Golden" what age do I need to qualify for "one for the road???"
Love numbers 2 ,6, 10, 11, 14, 15, 18, 19, 20 - lol!
That is a funny story!
My dad’s CRAZY brother pulled a few stunts in his lifetime.
If someone honked at him he would pull out old spare keys that he kept, and throw them out of his car window, turn off ignition, then just sit in the car.
When the person behind him who honked would get out of their car with steam coming out of their ears, screaming at him, he would turn the ignition on with the his set of keys that he was driving with and take off really fast!
He was most certainly out of the box crazy! He never married.
At one point he brought a woman to our house from a foreign country and said that he was getting married!
My mom and dad said that she must be desperate to live in the USA.
Well, she did not marry him. LOL He stayed a bachelor all of his life.
As far as I know, she was the only woman that went out with him for a very brief time!
I think #2 is fabulous!
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
I was going to write the #'s of the ones I really liked but, that was getting to be most of them so thought "forget it."
Cute! Hahaha
🤣
Golden, number 12 is for you!
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40 but 9:00pm in the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 35 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It took me 3 days but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks me what I did at the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing an aluminum can filled with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and I get excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
So true! My friend made me laugh the other day when she called.
She said that her mom is now wearing black pants everywhere in case of accidents!
When you are old, "one for the road"means peeing before you leave the house.
I thought it was cute! Feel free to add in your own alphabets of aging! 😆
A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for chest pains
D is for dental decay
E is for eyesight that can’t read the top line
F is for fluid retention
G is for gas
H is for high blood pressure
I is for lots of incisions
J is for joints that fail to flex
K is for knees that crack all the time
L is for lost libido
M is for memory lapses
N is for pinched nerve, stiff neck or neurosis
O is for osteoporosis
P is for prescriptions that cost a fortune
Q is for queasiness
R is for reflux
S is for sleepless nights
T is for terminal
U is for Urinary issues
V is for vertigo
W is for worry
X is for X-ray
Y is for another year that I am alive
Z is for the zest for survival of all my symptoms and keeping my doctors employed
The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
What did the elderly lady say when asked "What was the best thing about being 104 years old?"
She replied... "No peer pressure!"
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.
The weak shall inherit the girth.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
The best way to break a habit is to drop it.
You’re not beaten until you give up!