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I started up my computer this morning, and got this message:

'I’m depressed. Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but play games and send mail about baseball. And I’ve got this pain right through my CPU. I’ve asked times for it to be fixed but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were just to log out again.'

Yikes – this is true! It usually starts with a joke, but this was a shock!
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
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Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. 
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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I think it's worth mentioning that involvement of any innocent bystanders leads to automatic disqualification from receipt of a Darwin award. You get it for removing yourself from the gene pool to the general benefit of mankind.

As far as I remember Army surplus quite often has a lot to answer for in these things. Have you got the one about the genius who fired himself into a cliff face, Margaret?
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I just can't wait, I've got the book open:

Larry Walters of LA received an amazing honorable mention for the Darwin Awards in 1982.

He bought 45 Army Surplus 4 foot diameter weather balloons, filled them with helium, and attached them to his comfortable lawn-chair. His plan was to float about 30 feet above his backyard. He took with him sandwiches, lite beer, and a pellet gun. Unfortunately when his friends cut the anchor cord, he rose rapidly and leveled off at 16,000 feet, right into the approach corridor of LA’s international airport. Many pilots radioed in ‘incredulous reports of the strange sight’. Eventually Larry shot a few balloons and decended. His wires caught in a power line and blacked out part of LA for some time.

Federal Aviation Admin was not amused. “We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, a charge will be filed.”

Yeah, go Larry – He said ‘I’ve fulfilled my 20 year dream to fly!’
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Two for the drinkers among us:

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on – Dean Martin
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Margaret: Wow - that story was rich! 🤔
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I recently replied to a poster who greatly underestimated stupidity options. At the time, I was re-reading ‘The Darwin Awards’. They are given to people of curious stupidity who have improved the human gene pool by bringing about their own demise. Most are too long to quote, but here’s an example:

A German woman wanted the ultimate photo of ‘the running of the bulls’ in Nimes, southern France. She got over the safety barriers, stood in the middle of the road, camera to her eye, looking for the best photo-shoot angle. She was toppled by a horse whose rider was coming fast in front of the pack, and couldn’t stop in time. She was then ‘trampled by six rampaging bulls’ before being rescued. She died of her injuries in hospital.

Gruesome, but you have to snigger.

Mind you, selfie suicides are now much more common, so stupidity itself has not died. I must check the Darwin Awards site again! They are checked for accuracy, and Honorable Mentions are given for near misses.

If I get enough likes, I'll type in my favorite..
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"Golden" - I was hoping for something like 55 - now I'm really feeling bad!
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NGI - gosh, I don't know what age. At 83 I am sure I am well past it. 😉
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I thought "P" was for pee.

By the way "Golden" what age do I need to qualify for "one for the road???"

Love numbers 2 ,6, 10, 11, 14, 15, 18, 19, 20 - lol!
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In my shoes,

That is a funny story!

My dad’s CRAZY brother pulled a few stunts in his lifetime.

If someone honked at him he would pull out old spare keys that he kept, and throw them out of his car window, turn off ignition, then just sit in the car.

When the person behind him who honked would get out of their car with steam coming out of their ears, screaming at him, he would turn the ignition on with the his set of keys that he was driving with and take off really fast!

He was most certainly out of the box crazy! He never married.

At one point he brought a woman to our house from a foreign country and said that he was getting married!

My mom and dad said that she must be desperate to live in the USA.

Well, she did not marry him. LOL He stayed a bachelor all of his life.

As far as I know, she was the only woman that went out with him for a very brief time!
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cwille,

I think #2 is fabulous!
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I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
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LOL,"cwillie"!!!

I was going to write the #'s of the ones I really liked but, that was getting to be most of them so thought "forget it."
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12 and 16 sound like me. LOL
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cwille,

Cute! Hahaha
🤣

Golden, number 12 is for you!
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1.When one door opens and another one closes, you’re probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40 but 9:00pm in the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 35 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It took me 3 days but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks me what I did at the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing an aluminum can filled with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and I get excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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Golden,

So true! My friend made me laugh the other day when she called.

She said that her mom is now wearing black pants everywhere in case of accidents!
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Yes good one. For me the I would be insomnia!

When you are old, "one for the road"means peeing before you leave the house.
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GA,

I thought it was cute! Feel free to add in your own alphabets of aging! 😆
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NHWM, that's brilliant!
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ABC’s of Aging

A is for arthritis

B is for bad back

C is for chest pains

D is for dental decay

E is for eyesight that can’t read the top line

F is for fluid retention

G is for gas

H is for high blood pressure

I is for lots of incisions

J is for joints that fail to flex

K is for knees that crack all the time

L is for lost libido

M is for memory lapses

N is for pinched nerve, stiff neck or neurosis

O is for osteoporosis

P is for prescriptions that cost a fortune

Q is for queasiness

R is for reflux

S is for sleepless nights

T is for terminal

U is for Urinary issues

V is for vertigo

W is for worry

X is for X-ray

Y is for another year that I am alive

Z is for the zest for survival of all my symptoms and keeping my doctors employed
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A man asked his car-loving wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said “I want to find something that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds in my driveway.” On her birthday she saw a small package sitting in her driveway. She went out, opened it and found bathroom scales.
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Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.
The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
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I usually begin my dementia talks with this one:

What did the elderly lady say when asked "What was the best thing about being 104 years old?"

She replied... "No peer pressure!"
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Sorry, but these meek jokes are not funny when you consider that the KJV of the Bible viewed Moses as the meekest man on the earth at that time.
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The meek will inherit the earth because they won't have the guts to refuse it.
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Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
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Cheering words for dieters:

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.

The weak shall inherit the girth.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

The best way to break a habit is to drop it.

You’re not beaten until you give up!
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