I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
BB: “Father, I am 94 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70+ years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
BB: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
BB: “I’m not.”
Priest: “Then, why are you telling me all this?"
BB: “I’m 94 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
https://hellotushy.com
...and this one too -- be sure to watch the video with the volume on:
https://www.squattypotty.com
'When I was a little girl I really wanted earrings. Mummy said ‘when you’re older’, and I thought you grew the holes when you were old enough.
'It took me a long time to realise that grilled cheese sandwiches had nothing to do with gorillas.
'I thought that the borders between countries were marked on the ground with red dotted lines, like on the maps.
'My parents used to joke that they knew they were for each other because they both had the same last name. I thought that you had to marry someone with the same last name, and when I was four I didn’t like the only girl I knew with the same name. I bit her on the arm so she wouldn’t want to marry me.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"
The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for advice that he agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good bye.
The next week, the same couple returned and asked the therapist to watch again. The therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all....
"Medicare pays $43 of it!"
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
Upon recovering the woman decides to stay in the hospital and have some cosmetic surgery. She has a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change the color of her hair. Since she has so much more time to live she figures might as well make the most of it. She finally leaves the hospital, as she is crossing the street she is struck and killed by an oncoming ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demands. "I thought you said I had another 43 years!"
God says.."I didn't recognize you..
What a way to die together as a couple than while making love and having mutual orgasms on the way to be lifted to the life eternal. That would be unforgettable for sure, but not repeatable. Come, Lord Jesus!
is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both find it really difficult over time however, so the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!
Plumjuice immediately noticed that something was not right with the lousy excuse Plum managed to invent for the next week, but she decided to be a good wife and do what she was asked to.
After a week, Plum returned home, and looked tired. But, he explained to her that he was happy and had done well by attending the fishing party.
His dutiful wife wanted to know all the details, and asked the weekend, his colleagues & if they had caught fish, and so on.
Plum answered: “Yes, lots of salmon, silver carp & a few swordfish offshore. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”
Plumjuice, with a menacing look on her face, replied: “I did
… They’re in your fishing box”.
When I take a long time
I am slow.
When he takes a long time
He is thorough.
When I don’t do something
I am lazy.
When he doesn’t do it
He’s just busy.
When I do something without being told
I’m a smart arse.
When the boss does the same
It’s initiative.
If I try to please the boss
I’m a crawler.
When he tries to please his own boss
It’s called co-operation.
And if I do something well
He doesn’t even notice.
And if I do something wrong
He never forgets!
I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been In Cognito either.
I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been In Sane.
They don't have an airport there.
So you must be driven there.
I have made several trips.
Lady at dinner party "Sir, if you were my husband, i would poison your tea!!"
Churchill "Madam, if you were my wife, i would drink it"
When accused by a woman of being 'disgustingly drunk' Churchill responded:
"My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
Ouch!
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words . This list is an interesting read in today’s world…
Enjoy!
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy ."
Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...
where's the beef...
how to get to Sesame Street...
why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...
Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop......
why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton...
Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors...
I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator...
why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons...
and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going...
why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...
why did you just try to sing those two previous songs...
and just what is Victoria's secret? ....
and what would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...
and
Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways?
RIP