I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t bear the final tragic scene where John Travolta is told he has to have a knee job and he’ll never dance again. It just had to be on the way…
From Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard To Do:
Q: Hey, mate, what’s up?
A: The warranty on my liver.
From the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet list of Signs of Crime (and I did check this one):
Screaming or cries for help.
He does not recall how he got home after the party.
Fearful he made some horrible blunder he forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple aspirin next to a glass of water on the night stand. Next to them a single red rose.
Jack sits up, notices his clothes, all clean and folded on the chair. He looks around and the room is in perfect order.
He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
He notices a note on the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner. I love you, darling! Love Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steamiong coffee and the morning paper.
His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks "Son..what happened last night?"
"Well you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, breakfast is waiting for me?
His son replies, "Oh that...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed "leave me alone, I'm married"
Broken Coffee table $239.00
Hot breakfast $9.00
Two aspirin $0.50
Saying the right thing at the right time PRICELESS!!!!!
It's too bad we can't post pictures and videos, there are lots of them out there. Perhaps the new people just need to go back to page one and start over....
The book was written by Mat Connolly, and it is now a website called iusedtobelieve.com The book’s intro starts with the author’s own childhood fear of something lurking in the toilet. Then ‘many years later, I found out that a good friend used to believe his body was filled with baked beans, and I began collecting people’s strange childhood beliefs’.
Yes, some similar things used to turn up in the Readers Digest magazine section called ‘Kids say the darndest things’. They really are quite common. Even DH said that when he was little he thought cats were all females, dogs were all males - and he's quite bright.
If no-one likes this lot, I’ll give the book back to the Op Shop and find another one. Anything but Irish jokes! My favorite book was ‘Church Chuckles’, which started with the Parish kitchen sign “After use, please rinse teapot and stand upside down in sink’. It would be good if more people joined in - everyone's sense of humor is a bit different. Looking for joke books in OpShops has actually been quite a good hobby. I started when the site was moribund and a new poster wailed 'doesn't anyone know something funny to cheer me up?'.
Art Linkletter from 1952-1970
I was thinking all those "When I was a kid" thoughts were your own thoughts.
Mwah ha ha.
Sorry.
After I got ‘a frog in your throat’, the frogs moved down to my tummy and still lived there.
If you put your hands in the air, you couldn’t be killed. That was why people on TV put their hands up whenever someone pulled a gun on them.
The time that I had to phone a company’s service line, and they put me on hold, and some music started playing, the operator had got out her recorder and was playing it for me over the phone.
.... the taste.
Toothpaste was made from spare teeth, like tomato paste was made from tomatoes.
Being sentenced to death meant that you had to write the same sentence over and over again until you died.
I heard my parents talking about a baby boom, and I thought that some babies had started exploding.
The other day: ‘That fellow could start a fight in an empty church’.
The old one: ‘Lovely strong tea. You could trot a mouse on it.’
However I can’t quite get why they are similar – can you?
I've had it hard ever since I was ten
and at almost 64, it still gets hard again. :)
My husband and I have to make dates, or else our busy schedules will get in the way.
I don't know if there's sex in heaven, so get all you can while you're here.
She said ‘That fellow could start a fight in an empty church’. (I quite like that one)
Young Sean asked ‘Ma, will you buy me an encyclopedia’. Reply: “No you can walk to school like the other children.’
A member of the Irish rugby team goes home with a bleeding ear. He says to his mother ‘I’m worried, I don’t even know whose ear it was’.
That’s enough!
The insurance people finally approved my wife's new pain medicine, but the pharmacy waited until we called about it again to fill it. They should fill a prescription like this as soon as it is approved and notify the person of that.
Also, she gets her Covid shot tomorrow afternoon, but I have to wait until March since I'm not 65, but have underlying conditions.
'I just assumed that people got over bad habits by going somewhere where all they ate was cold turkey.
'I used to believe that the guy who lost the presidential election became the Vice President.
'When I was three I used to love peas. My mother sang ‘Silent Night’ at bedtime, and I thought that ‘sleep in heavenly peace’ meant going to sleep with peas that you could eat if you got hungry in the night.
'I thought that birds had special things on their feet so that they could stand on power lines without getting electrocuted.
"Yoda, I understood CW's joke the same way you did. The couple were going to have their last reunion and die in bliss. What a way to go!"
Apparently, this did not work for Yoda...he is still with us.
Just kidding, not all of them anyways.