mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
Follow
Share
Read More Close
8K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?
- My wife's mother is often mean and hurtful ... even remaining silent can still lead to receiving greater insults. Any experience with that?
- How do you cope when the patient is difficult, confused and defiant?
- My lady is 90 been with her two years and watch her go down hill. Am I a bad caregiver?
Start a Discussion
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Run senior high.
“Yes. Yes I did. I’m a Mustang,” he beamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1978. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, fat, bald, wrinkled, grey, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked,
“What did you teach?"
https://archive.org/details/everyltmmever
These are great old cartoons, and the people we care for often love them as well.
Scroll down to the middle of the list for the best ones!
Surely, not everyone was kung-fu fighting?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?
You know the expression "drink like a fish"? How much does a fish REALLY drink?
A man gets drafted into the army, and to try and get out of it, he tells his sergeant that he is against violence, and hence will not shoot a gun or fight hand-to-hand.
The sergeant tells him no problem, and hands him a broomstick. Tells the soldier when the enemy is advancing to point the broomstick and say "bang-ety, bang-ety bang." Then sends him off into combat.
So the soldier, sure he is about to be killed, points the broomstick at the oncoming soldiers and starts saying "bang-ety bang-ety bang!" To his surprise, the enemy begins to fall in front of him like they've been shot. So the soldier keeps doing it until the battle is over.
He goes back to his sergeant, amazed that it worked. The sergeant takes back the broomstick, ties a smaller broom to the end of it and tells his soldier if the enemy gets close enough for hand-to-hand combat, to point the broomstick/broom at the enemy and say "stab-ety stab-ety stab."
So the soldier goes back into combat and begins his fighting. He points the broomstick/broom and says "bang-ety bang-ety bang" and the enemy starts to fall. He says "stab-ety stab-ety stab" to the soldiers who get close to him, and they also fall.
The soldier does this over and over, winning all sorts of acclaim and medals for bravery. One day, he goes out to combat. The enemy soldiers start to advance:
"bang-ety bang-ety bang", "stab-ety stab-ety stab", back and forth, over and over.
However, he sees an enemy soldier with a push-broom, advancing. He points the broomstick/broom at the enemy: "Bang-ety bang-ety bang!" It doesn't work; the enemy continues to advance! As he gets close enough, the soldier points the broomstick/broom at the enemy and says "stab-ety stab-ety stab!" The enemy keeps coming!
The enemy knocks the soldier down, and walks right over him with the push broom! And keeps going! As the soldier lie there, he raises his head, and hears the departing enemy saying:
"Tank-ety tank-ety tank. Tank-ety tank-ety tank."
What does an elephant say to a naked man?
How do you breathe out of that little thing?
A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
I bought a book on anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Answer: Because they don't meet the koalafications!
What is a computer's favorite snack?
Answer: Computer Chips!
What do they call a dishonest alligator?
Answer: A crookadile!
Happy Day... Remember: A smile is a curve that sets things stgraight!
A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a "Huge, everything under one roof mega stores" looking for a job.
Manager: Do you have any sales experience?
Kid: Yeah, I was a salesman back home.
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job.
You start tomorrow, I'll come down after close and see how you did.
His first day was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today"?
The kid says "one". "Just one"? said the boss Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?
The kid says "$189,299.87"
The boss in disbelief says $189,299.87! What the heck did you sell?
the kid says'
First I sold him a small fishhook
Then I sold him a medium fishhook
then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he was going to need a boat,
So we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he did not think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him to the Automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Ford Expedition"
Boss shook his head and said..a guy comes in to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck!?
The kid said, "No, the guy came in to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot---you should go fishing!"
A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on thier table saying "for being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
the fairy waved her magic wand and--poof! 2 tickets for the newest luxury cruise ship appeared in her hand.
the husband thought about it for a moment: "well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. the fairy waved her magic wand and --poof! the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of this story is
Men who are ungrateful b**^#@*@ should remember that fairies are female.
*personal comment here...I think the fairy should have made the wife 32 years old, not the husband 92!
That's not the end of the funny stuff I found!
1) Is it true that worms turn? Have you seen it happen? What caused it?
2) Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
3) Can you think ‘outside the box’? Or do you always think ‘inside the box’? What is the box?
4) What if there were no hypothetical questions? Would you sleep better?
5) Do sleeping tablets work better than pondering?
My guess is ‘yes’ to the last one!
Do we really have no bananas? What happened?
Why is there only one Monopoly Commission?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, should they all drown?
And of course, ‘What have the Romans ever done for us?’
They said NO and slammed the door in my face.
Sometimes my parents can be so mean .
1. My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds.
Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons
and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza...OK!?
3. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
4. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
5. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
6. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
7. I love aging, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
"Really Earnest," she complained to her devoted beautician, "You don't seem to have the talent I remember you once had".
Surmising the situation, Earnest replied, "That is absolutely correct, ma'am, I am just so much older now".
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where is the middle of nowhere?
If a deaf man goes to court, why is it still called ‘a hearing’.
Why is marmalade not called ‘orange jam’?
Is there another word for ‘synonym?
Pondering could be a bed-time substitute for counting sheep!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
bestlifeonline.com › inappropriate-jokes
We have a bunny, a very curious bunny... Yesterday, I was busy cooking and did not pay too much attention... Suddenly I heard a noise coming from the bathroom... I had not shut the door. I stepped inside. There was Leone in the toilet... Trying to come out.
Shame I didn't have my phone. I would have taken a picture.
Curiosity killed the cat... And put bunny into troubles!
Q: What was the dairy farmer hired to do at the Chocolate Factory.
A: Milk chocolates.
Q: Why do grandparents always complain about being old?
A: Well, all those wrinkles must hurt a lot.
Q: Why are you staring at that orange juice?
A: It says ‘concentrate’.
And the one I didn’t see coming:
Q: Why did the mouse give up tap dancing?
A: It kept falling in the sink.
‘Women Who Run With Poodles’
The wife noticed there was a train nearby shaking the place when it went by. She especially felt it when lying down. She went into the hallway and found a bell hop. She told him about the train and asked him to lay on the bed.
When her husband came back, he was surprised to see them lying together.
She told him, would you believe we are waiting for a train
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar
Reading the jar of plums/prunes, it said: Milk, butter, soy. I looked over at dH
with a quizzical look, and said, "Oh no, the prunes contain milk?"
He was laughing, and I looked back at the jar. Yes, it had prunes in it. But the ingredients were for the chocolate almonds before the jar was repurposed.
This was before I had my coffee.
True story, it only took a second for it to dawn on me.
on his dresser since Viet Nam. He said where is my daughter? I said Honey, that is me. He looked at me, back to the picture, back to me and said "What happened?"
Grandson: Well this is an easy way to explain it. If your teeth are being drilled in the dentist’s chair, 5 minutes feels like an hour, doesn't it? Now think: if a pretty girl is sitting on your lap stroking your face, an hour feels like 5 minutes. The speed of time seems to vary.
Pause.
Grandpa: And this Einstein guy got PAID for saying that?