mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
As we were headed somewhere in the car, my son, about 10 at the time, says "Say Star Wars and hit me."
I said no, because you will do something to me. "No mom, just say Star Wars and hit me," he repeats, several times.
I finally gave in and soft punched his arm after saying Star Wars.
he punched me back and said "The Empire Strikes Back!"
Without missing a beat, not even thinking, in a flash I thwacked him across the chest and loudly proclaimed "Return of the Jedi!!!"
Dismayed, he says "That wasn't part of the joke."
To which I replied: "It is now."
Answer: One, but it takes 30 sessions.
Been there myself!
However I’ve just been reminded by a calendar about MECCA – the Motoring Enthusiasts Club of Central Australia. DH is the MECCA club Webmaster, which he can do from down south. Occasionally, he gets advertising emails for something completely different – religious candles, prayer mats, etc. The first time it happened he was completely astounded. Now we get the point!
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd become Ella Vader.
I thought it was cute and wanted to share it with my daughter - I forget how old she was but likely pre-teen, maybe under 10. So, in order to be sure she understood how these X married Y become Z jokes work, I asked her "What changes when a woman marries someone?"
Her answer? "Her whole life!"
I was laughing so hard at her response, which is SO true, that I never did get to telling her the joke!
Feb 23, 2021
"I used to believe that the guy who lost the presidential election became the Vice President."
Funny thing that... Until the 12th Amendment, that was actually true! The person who got the second highest number of votes became VP. Due to having ended up with a President in one party and a VP in the other, kinda like a bad marriage in a way, TWICE no less, they had to come up with a better method...
The Amendment changed it from Electors giving 2 votes to their "candidate" to giving one each to choice for Prez and VP.
Odd though, the only information I can find regarding how VP is now elected, appears the Electoral College still votes for each, but clearly each candidate, when nominated, selects their own choice for VP... So I guess if they vote for one, they also choose the other? Very odd system, eh?
(description of what EC does: "...they shall name in their ballots the person voted for as President, and in distinct ballots the person voted for as Vice-President...")
Anyway... the original "belief" was actually TRUE!
Not my own DH - he's bald!
Then he'd be BOM??? (bald old man?)
From Mar 2020
"Okay, so this one is quite naughty but I laughed like mad when I read it. So proceed at your discretion:
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Reading many jokes like this brought back memory I've tried to forget... My dad was only about 50ish when he had his aorta repaired and a valve replaced.
While visiting him in the hospital, he says to ME: Doc says I can have sex. It would be like trying to get a marshmallow through a keyhole!
"Hello,
I just want to say that humor and laughter make a world of difference for me going along this caregiving journey. Without it, the situation would feel absolutely hopeless and miserable all the time. Of course there are bad days that are not easy, but having a good laugh gets me through and makes me feel better. Find something funny to watch to put you in a better mood! The power of humor and laughter is amazing!"
Laughter is indeed a good medicine and it's free! I've been through tough times now and again, but always maintain we NEED laughter, to get us by.
That hospital stay I mentioned a bit ago nearly did me in. I was just about out of any possible humor. Thankfully they got sick of me and sent me home with my heavy duty IV antibiotics and feed bag, with some home visiting nurses too! I WAS about to lose it in there (almost 4 weeks!!!)
First one, people are living in flames, screaming. Nope.
Second one, people are constantly pushing very heavy stuff up hill. Nah.
This goes on for a few more areas, passing up each one.
Finally they come upon a group standing around in about 3-4' of poop, sipping coffee.
He decides this isn't so bad and chooses it.
No sooner does he get his coffee mug than the overseer comes in and announces "Coffee break is OVER. Back on your heads everyone!"
Meanwhile, I checked that site and some links in it.
"The Full Moon in August is named after North America's largest fish, the lake sturgeon. Other names for this Full Moon include Grain Moon, Green Corn Moon, Fruit Moon, and Barley Moon."
Maybe a Grain or Barley Moon? Or if it turns green, the Green Corn Moon?
(Funny, I made up the name Harvest Moon, just because around harvest time plants start dying and turning brown. Turns out there IS a Harvest Moon!)
"Since when does the patient have to educate the medical prof?!"
Not likely going to happen even if you try, but I ALWAYS suggest people to advocate for themselves. With the internet we can look up information. Of course one needs to stick to legitimate sites - there is a LOT of garbage out there too! My vet DID humor me and learned something new. I had pointed her to an endocrinologist blog about the condition. So, there IS a little hope. We can try to "edimicate", but some are going to look down at us, we, the unwashed masses!
You ever see those drug books? My mother had one, but I tossed it because it is outdated. Quick lookup says there are at least 20,000 Rx medications the FDA regulates. Doctors aren't going to know all the ins and outs. They know what is usually prescribed, so they go with it. Sadly they NEED to know the side-effects and issues, to make a good decision. See the pharmacist or look it up!
Keep in mind some are used "off-label" too (lookup says 1 in 5!) I can look medications up, review the uses and side effects, etc. and decide for myself. Sometimes we do have to weigh the good and bad. In some ways it is the public who has driven this too. How many people out there think there's a pill to cure whatever ails them? Sometimes there ARE alternatives, not involving drugs, but it means making an effort. Too many would rather pop a pill than "work for it." Myself, the longer I can ward off medication, the better.
The latest for me are the vaccines. NOTE: I am NOT anti-vaccine, however I have issues with all of the currently available ones. Allergies requiring an epi-pen, not seasonal allergies, for 2 of them are big issues. The last bad reaction I had took TWO weeks to show up - they only hold you an extra 15 min! He asks if I can stay with someone - for 2 weeks? Meanwhile my cats starve to death??? Can they stay with you? Again, for TWO weeks? My daughter won't even set foot in my house, due to the cats. Both kids work and don't live nearby. I really don't have anyone who could sit here and watch me for 2 weeks. The newer one has me concerned as it mentions clots and heparin - the hospital near killed me giving me that stuff! Normally heparin lowers your platelet count. Mine went sky high and THEY couldn't figure it out! Kept it up until I got a hematoma. Well known big hospital. Clueless.
My current doc doesn't have all that information - when I moved here, there was so much information due to that hospital stay they were going to charge me a lot and I was unemployed. Nope. When I see him next, I plan to have written out what I can explain. As a family, we do have bad reactions to a number of medications. Hell, I even had one pediatrician tell me "It's not a very allergic drug" when prescribing something for my daughter. We'd already been through hell with that one, so I just said "I don't care what it is, give me something else." Arrogant a$$.
I read there's another vaccine on the horizon, but I'd want to wait to read about what reactions that causes. Only one in a million? I'd rather not become that one.
Okay, back to the jokes!
Full Moon names are here:
https://www.timeanddate.com/moon/phases
I don't think there are any 'brown' 💩 moons.
I am also a NO WAY will that stuff (or any other similar) cross my lips! I read up about it and made my decision. NEVER! Not only teeth and jaw problems (necrosis of the jaw? comon, who wouldn't want that???), but spontaneous thigh fractures (the longest strongest bone in the body!) and potential for esophageal ulcers. Yup, please make me take that!!! not.
As for medical "professionals" not knowing what drugs do:
I don't know if things have changed, but when finishing up a degree, I took an Anthro class 'Culture and Medicine.' All but me were nursing students. One of the readings stated that doctors were NOT required to take any courses on pharmacology - even if they did, there are SO many drugs, how could they ever remember them all? I always recommend people talk to the pharmacist if they have questions or concerns. Doctors generally don't know all the details, just what to Rx for a given "condition."
Little known info: One should NOT be taking these until getting up in years - they've been foisting the scans and Rx on women much too early AND should not be taken more than 3-5 years!
Not only have I avoided problems by not taking it, I had a vet recommend it for one cat. Ummm, first of all, there is NO way to pill that particular cat, not unless I have full hockey goalie gear on. Secondly, the instructions are to take it first thing in the morning, with a full glass of water and maintain yourself upright, either sitting or standing for 30 minutes... Just HOW does one do that with a cat??? I can only picture hanging him by his front legs from the ceiling and dousing him with water!! The simpler solution? Eliminated dry food (aka kibble.) It worked so well she ended up recommending it to others who were giving that crap to their cats!
Two last notes:
I had two scans done at a previous provider, several years apart. It was MANY more years before a more recent one. I was able to get the results of the old ones sent and the latest one was actually better! I do take Vit D3 and do get some weight bearing "exercise" taking care of things here.
The other note is my mother definitely had osteoporosis. She had the "dowager's hump". No broken bones, no problems, even despite some tumbles in MC. She was still bone intact at 97yo!
HAHAHAHA! I loved the Highlander movies (well, the first was good, the others okay.)
But, like you, my mother's family is Scottish, Grandmother came from NS. Grandfather was from Halifax, but might have had some Scandinavian, not sure, but no question her mother's side were MACs!
Mom outlived everyone on both sides of the family in her generation, by MANY years! She was somewhere in the middle, age wise. So, I guess it's true... there can only be one!
(I only found this thread a day or 2 ago, so I'm only about 1/2 way through them all.)
Two doctors are in the hallway arguing about how something is said.
"It's WAAAAAAMB," says one.
"No no no, it's WOOOOHHHHMB," say the other.
Back and forth this goes. A nurse passing by stops for a few moments, listening. She finally interrupts and says "For your information it's pronounced WOMB." She smugly goes off to tend to her duties.
One doctor looks quizzically at the other and says "I don't think she's ever heard a hippopotamus fart underwater."
That was funny, but question - does it become Harvest Moon or something else when it turns brown?
A woman brought her pet duck Quacksalot to the vet, he wasn't moving and lay limply in her arms. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet duck Quacksalot has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any tests or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room.
She still wasn't convinced though.
So, he returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head sadly, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The owner cried softly and accepted the sad news.
Then the vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "$550.00!" "$550 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00."
A farmer needs a new rooster on the farm. He goes out and buys a new, young rooster, who is promoted as being a virile stud.
As soon as he brings him home and lets him loose in the barnyard, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens.
The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried this rooster may burn himself out too soon!
Next morning, not only is the rooster again screwing all the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow. He even takes a pass at the farmer's wife on the porch, who shoos him away with a broom. Having had a go at everything on the farm, he takes off down the road in a cloud of dust.
The farmer, shaking his head, starts down the road after the rooster. A few miles down the road, he notices buzzards circling and sees the rooster lying limp on the ground. Shaking his head again, he heads for where the rooster is, planning to take his carcass back to the farm store.
As he gets close, the rooster opens one eye and says "Shhhhhh..."
Apr 8, 2021
2) Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I quite honestly said this many years ago! Getting rid of dry food (worst thing for cats) and trying to find canned or raw food that would meet MY expectations, I pondered this very question and why a cat food MFG wouldn't have something like Ckickadee-De-Light or Mousie Pate, instead of the usual offerings of chicken, beef, lamb, pork... When's the last time you saw a cat tipping a cow or chowing down pig and sheep?
(p.s. there is a place in NY where you CAN buy frozen mice, whole mice, and comments on how smelly they are! Just now, looking for the name of the place, it appears that Petco also sells bags of frozen mice and rats, mostly for people with reptiles, but still.... eeeeeuwwww... I don't need to buy this - they didn't take good care of this place, so every year my best "mouser" brings them into the kitchen so they can all play with it...)
Reality: Owls are no more bad luck than black cats, broken mirrors, or spilled salt. In many cultures, owls are seen as bad luck or omens of death and are feared, avoided or killed because of it. Myth: Owls are messengers of witches.
Reality: Owls usually want nothing to do with humans.
I can identify with that statement.