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The shoe is only ugly if you don't fork over the big bucks.

All kinds of cute orthopedic shoes nowadays.
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For us older women:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
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True story, here.
I grew up in southern California, where my sister and I frequented Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm, several times a year.
On our last trip to Disney, my sister wore the cutest bright pink sneakers, with yellow polka-dots on them. After one very raucous roller-coaster ride, we popped into the ladies room. When I spotted my sisters sneakers in the stall right next to mine, I grabbed her leg and yelled, "gotcha!"...lol...
The joke was on me...it wasn't my sister at all!!! :0o
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Senior gentleman in a public bar imbibes a little too freely and informs the bartender:
"I need to use the bathroom".
Bartender replies,
"Just go down the stairs".
Senior gentlemen is soon ejected from the bar by two burly security guards.
"But I hadn't even finished", he protests...
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Isthisrealyreal PC froze again - after restart I loaded this thread and was scrolling to find the ones I hadn't seen yet. As soon as I saw the word rabbit, I thought of that joke (it was just a bunny), but also another, I think it was Paula Poundstone joke... telling the man that when rabbits have sex, the male screams and falls over passed out, so not to worry, the rabbit just had sex!

I also laughed out loud about the red dot and the cat doing the rest! I've often said my cats cower, expecting me to take care of whatever, unless it's small, scurries or flies or squeaks... They'd come out after the fact and ponder whether they should eat me since I'm not providing their food...
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I told my teenage niece to get me a newspaper.

She laughed at me and told me I was old and newspapers were a thing of the past. However, I could use her phone.

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider. Now she's mad. Hmmm?
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A burglar broke into the house...I put the red dot on his chest...the cat did the rest.
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I got fired from my bank job today 😥.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over🤣.
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A man has a terrible accident with his brand new Ferrari.

When the police arrive, he is crying uncontrollably, I can't believe I just wrecked my new Ferrari.

The cop says, "I can't believe how materialistic you are. You haven't even noticed that your left arm has been cut off".

The driver looks at his left arm and screams! "OMG! My rolex!"
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A man is driving down a highway and swerves to avoid a rabbit, unfortunately the rabbit jumps in front of his car and is hit.

The driver being a sensitive man and an animal lover pulls over to see what has happened to the rabbit.

Much to his horror it is the easter bunny and it's DEAD!

The man begins crying uncontrollably. A beautiful blonde woman is driving by and sees this man crying on the side of the road and stops to see what is wrong.

When she approaches him he begins wailing that he KILLED the EASTER BUNNY!!! He feels just terrible. He can't quit crying and blaming himself for killing the Easter bunny.

The blonde tells him not to worry and runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She goes over to the limp, lifeless Easter bunny and sprays the contents on to him.

The easter bunny jumps up, waves at the two of them and hops away.

Ten feet away he turns and waves again, in another 10 feet he turns and waves again, he keeps hopping 10 feet, turning and waving again and again until he is out of sight.

The man is astonished and runs to the lady and demands to know what is in the can? What did she spray on the Easter bunny?

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read what it says...




HAIR SPRAY

RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR
and
ADDS PERMANENT WAVE
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Teacher: Johnny, I hope I didn't just see you copying answers from Bobby's test.

Johnny: I, too, hope that you didn't see me copying from Bobby.
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A string walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get out, we don't serve strings here. So the string went back outside.

Once outside, he tied a knot at the top and ruffled the end a bit. He walked back into the bar.

The bartender sees him and says "Didn't I tell you strings aren't allowed in here?"

The string replies "I'm not a string."

"No?" asks the bartender, "You're not a string?"

The string replies: "Nope. I'm afraid not."

Ba-doom TISH!


(for anyone who doesn't get the pun/play on words... a frayed knot...)
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I helped an older man ro to the bathroom today. He said he arrived at port just in time, thought the ship may have already sailed... A large amount of air was heard & I replied 'you were sailing pretty close to the wind...'. He like it 😆
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Does no-one else have anything funny to report? Should I give up? HELP!
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Just so I don't forget, I've sent this to my sisters:-

Another thing to laugh at from this morning. Tony bought an App called Google MiniNest for $30, partly because it lets him stream 5MU from Murray Bridge, a radio station that is pretty well on-target for him. He installed it, and you operate it by saying ‘Hey Google, blah blah blah’. I got sick of it, and shouted at it ‘Hey Google, I’m going to the toilet’. This nasty app replied, to my absolute amazement. ‘No problem, I’ll wait’. My jaw just dropped!

The radio station that is easiest for us locally is TouristFM, which is largely golden oldies for the grey nomads. The day before yesterday I heard ‘Purple People Eater’, and actually heard a few more words (I remembered most of them). It wasn’t “pidgeon toed under towed’ like we used to sing. It’s actually ‘pigeon toed, under growed’. ‘Nice little short short purple people eater’, so undergrowed. There you are!
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I got the last one from my computer start-up ‘quotes’. This next one really happened when I asked a neighbor who was employed at a particular ship-build site with lots of industrial troubles:

Q: How many people work at the site?
A: About half of them.
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Q: How long have you been working for the company?
A: Ever since they threatened to fire me.
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The pros and cons of alcohol:

1) Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
2) Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

3) There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.
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2020 was the most difficult year!
When it turned 21 I had no idea drinking would be involved!
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Caregiving is hard! You make the beds, do the dishes, mop the floors and vacumn.
Six months later, you have to do it all again.
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I was screaming into a colander all night, and I strained my voice.
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Margaret: Oh, good! Yes, your dear Hector Protector DID live a long life. Good that you got your Jesse. The story about the sheep is funny.
Llamalover47
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Llamalover, yes, we still miss Hector Protector, but he had a good long life and a peaceful death. We borrowed Jesse to look after the current lambs. Jesse is white, and the sheep initially followed him around in curiosity - what is this? Did he just grow extra long legs? What about that neck? Is he OK?!!! It was quite funny initially, a long line of sheep trailing single file after an equally confused white Alpaca.
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DH's answer to the last post was "Sometimes I think the best answer would be "other humanitarians" '. Bitter, bitter mood there!
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Margaret: Isn't that the truth! Hope you're doing okay after the loss of your dear Hector, the Protector.
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Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
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A drummer recently had twin daughters. They were named Anna 1, Anna 2.
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A psychologist was holding a seminar on marital relations. After his presentation, he announced he wanted to do a survey. He asked how many had sex once a day. A smattering of hands rose. Then he asked how many once a week. A few more hands rose. He continued on, once every 2 weeks, once per month, etc. Eventually he reached once per year.

A single gentleman way up in the back began excitedly bouncing up and down with his hand raised, waving it animatedly. The psychologist acknowledged him and when able he asked why the man was so excited if he only had sex once a year.

"Tonight's the night!!! Tonight's the night!!!" He bellowed, still with hand raised and bouncing up and down.
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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's t-boi , my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of jack Daniel's Tennessee honey and a dozen Bush Lights every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
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