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Why is it when we tell someone "to have a nice day" it sounds friendly but, when we say "enjoy your next 24 hours" it sounds threatening?
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My friend has one hand that is much smaller than the other. His nickname is Clock.
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When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters:

PIENS

and form the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.





Those of us that answered spine are doctors today, the rest are on facebook.
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Math made simple:

If you have 20 bucks and your wife has 5.

She has 25.00.
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You come from dust,

You will return to dust,

That's why I don't dust.

It could be someone I know.
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Remember:

When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it is illegal to dig it up.

Gardening tips for the day!
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John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for our anniversary?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.
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I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…
I don’t know how I pulled through it..
It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had!!
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Sorry this one is a long one but, I thought it was a good one ok?

From Rags to Riches

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What's your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith?
"Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a wh*re in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. “I spoke to your wife…spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison!”
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I’ve finally worked out why I have troubles with the Emojis! We run Linux Slackware, not Microsoft, and clearly often it doesn’t translate Emojis. I get a little box with two lines of tiny print, OIF on the top line and 642 on the bottom line (643 on the upside version). It NEVER made sense. A new version of Slackware is coming out, and will probably fix it. And I had to look 3 times to register the brain reversal on IF versus FI. I think I’m getting old! DH manages Slackware, he's not the Emoji type, so I won't even think about asking him to fix it. Thank you, care support workers. I'd do a smiley Emoji if I could, but I can't!
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I always heard that if you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny.
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Rules:
1) If you have to explain a joke......just never do that.

2) The first rule of fight club club is.....
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Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with a boat paddle, or gas.

It was an ether/oar situation.
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Thanks, Cwillie. I appreciate both the explanation and learning that there is an Emojipedia site. I'm a dinosaur and have trouble keeping up with newer things. Some days I think I should just give up and sink into the tar pit. (I'd put an emoji here to "convey irony, sarcasm, joking, or a sense of goofiness or silliness" but unfortunately I've forgotten how.)
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🙃"Upside-Down Face Emoji Meaning. A classic smiley, turned upside down. Implemented as a flipped version of 🙂 Slightly Smiling Face on most platforms.. Commonly used to convey irony, sarcasm, joking, or a sense of goofiness or silliness."
Emojipedia
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MargaretMcKen, most of us will read Sendhelp's first line as "WHAT IF I TOLD YOU" instead of "WHAT I IF TOLD YOU". We scan the line and our brains convert it into what we expect to see. Only when we go back and look more closely do we realize that what we thought we read isn't what's actually there.

I'm not sure about Cwillie's emoji. I think maybe it's a take-off on the expression "Turn your frown upside down".
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I just watched a hilarious video on Youtube. It's these women singing a parody of the band Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.

Just type in Menopause Rhapsody. It's quite hilarious.
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Dear SendHelp, I don't want to seem stupid, but you will have to explain "WHAT I IF TOLD YOU: YOU READ THE TOP LINE WRONG" ???? And I still haven't worked out what CWillies second what-ever-it-is means. I know I'm not all that tech savvy, and have a problem with mobile phones (the farm has no reception), but please help!
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Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?
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😵🙃
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WHAT I IF TOLD YOU





YOU READ THE TOP LINE WRONG
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Homing pigeon...
I sold my homing pigeon on E-Bay 22 times last month.
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I used to cough to cover up my farts.
Now I fart to cover up my coughs.
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For Real!!! Bcuz that WOULD take corage!!! Lol...lol... :0o
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I don’t mean to be snotty, but I always need to sort out ‘USA’ spelling in my posts (different from the English that I do the drafts in), so I get involved in spelling all the time. Occasionally miss-spells do give me a little laugh. Today it was “You mustard up the courage to confront the issue”. I hope it wasn’t hot English mustard!

Let’s find kindly giggles where we can!
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Oh ... wow!!! Heee hee hee... what a riot! This is great!! :0) AND...I can totally relate.! Hot flashes were "SOOOOOO funny" to joke about...BEFORE I ever had them! Lol...lol... :0)
Loved this...
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KKTheBeam,

Warning, this is a bit on the racy side.

I'll let you imagine the context. She was spending a few nights with us one summer and they were both having hot flashes. I commented to my wife about what her sis was wearing that morning. At first, I was shocked and then laughed when my wife said, "well if you have seen one of us, you have seen the other." That's the only story that comes to mind right now. The other stories are not that racy, but this one is.
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Oh!!! I wish you could remember some of your stories!!! :0) The Identical Twin gags could likely go on and on... what mischievous fun I would've had with that!
God knew better than to give me a twin! Lol...lol... would've been such a hoot and a holler! If you think of one, be sure to post it... would love to hear it... :)
Is so good to laugh and smile with you guys a bit.
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