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A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door, she started yelling that she hoped he died a long, slow, painful death.

He turned around and said, so you want me to stay...
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Next decent one:

This old cowboy with the cowboy boots and all the trimmings sits down in a middle west bar with a young lady. She says ‘Are you a real cowboy?’. He says yes, with details. She says, ‘Well I’m a lesbian. When I get up in the morning I think about women. Whatever I do, it makes me think about women’. Next a young couple come into the bar and also ask if he’s a real cowboy, or just rhinestone. He says ‘I thought I was, but now I’m wondering if I’m really a lesbian’.
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t, it never was yours.

But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, and takes your money ... You either married it or gave birth to it.
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I’ve got a new book of mostly obscene jokes. Carefully chosen jokes will now follow:

A guy is driving up a steep winding mountain road, when a woman driver comes down in the opposite direction, veering over the center lane. As she comes towards him, she yells ‘Pig’. The guy is incensed, yells out the window ‘B*tch’. Just around the corner he collides with a large pig in the middle of the road.
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This has got to be the funniest joke ever! I am going to use it, since strangers have been coming up to the car in parking lots, knocking on the window, wanting to say something.....

"Next time a stranger talks to me and I am alone. I am going to look at him all shocked and whisper quietly, "You can see me?".
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Pammzi,
New prescription states: Do not lie down after taking it.
Take twice a day, morning and at bedtime. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why they list all the adverse effects anyway? I always have about 9 out of ten symptoms before taking the medication.

Pharmacist giving "how to take instructions" for new medicine, while masked, and behind plexiglass. She moves away from plexiglas, starts to whisper the last possible side effect into my ear..... D I A R R H E A !

Am I going to get Covid now? Maybe in my ear?
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Not exactly a joke but pretty darn funny,, My hubs has been wanting those "fruit ad vegi" vitimins they advertise on TV for a small fortune. I looked them up,, ratings poor/ just a vitamin,, etc. So today I stopped at the store and found a reasonably priced MENS vit with all the goodies... It is clearly labeled for MEN,, and on the back it says not to take it if you are pregnant or breast feeding ??? Welcome to the new world people!!
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This didn't post this morning for some reason:

My computer is apparently becoming a bit fixated on mental illness:

‘Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd’ C Jung
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ITTR: You're welcome.😂
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Thank you LL🤗
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ITTR: You're a sketch = that phrase was one I had used back in the day = hilarious. It just came to me when looking over my grandmother's ceramic artistry.💖
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Next time a stranger talks to me and I am alone. I am going to look at him all shocked and whisper quietly, "You can see me?"
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Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic!
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There is absolutely no excuse for laziness.

But if you find one, let me know.
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HUSBAND:

I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

WIFE:

Why does it say "Do Not Resuscitate?"
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AliBoBali,

My wife tells me that Freud was a big user of cocaine or something which made his sex life awesome! It is also interesting that in those Victorian times, pornography exploded in society behind closed doors.
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Psychiatrist Peter Breggin, M.D.
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lol @CM. Back in prudish Victorian times, when cocaine and opium/narcotics were legal and considered healthy lol. It does make some sense that some wild psychology theories came from Freud and Jung in that setting.
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Also, let us not forget, was off his face on cocaine. I find that remembering that really helps when you're trying to make sense of his interpretation of dreams.
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lol Freud would say that a woman smoking a cigar was expressing penis envy. Freud really did not understand women and said as much himself.
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My computer’s message logging on this morning was a bit of a shock:

‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’ – Sigmund Freud

PS just before the edit runs out - what if a woman was smoking it?
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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure it out or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when finished?" The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then…..,” he sighed, ….. “Let’s put all of these frosted flakes back into the box.”
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InMyShoes, LOL!

I spent 30 minutes one day looking for my glasses. They were hanging on my shirt front. SMH!
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Some days I've got it all together. Other days I spend ten minutes looking for my phone while talking on my phone.
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Great idea I look forward to reading this
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My kid made the mistake of telling me that I am being overdramatic. I just changed the WIFI password, we'll see who's overdramatic in about 5 minutes.
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TNtechie - That is similar to my nephews, the older two were close in age and very competitive and their younger brother could never win or even keep up. When they fought I used to say watch out, younger brother may be bigger than you some day. And he definitely is 🤣.
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Not a joke but amusing...

For several years, I have been cautioning my older grand-nephew that his "little" brother may catch up with his physical size and end up being the larger brother; so he might want to consider being a little kinder and less aggressive in his teasing...

Today the nearly 17-year-old is 5'10" and 180 lbs of chiseled muscle, the result of his dedication to weight lifting and conditioning for football and track. His nearly 13-year-old brother is now 5'10" and 188 lbs with maybe 10 lbs extra lbs around his waist. They shoot basketball together for about an hour every day and the teasing level is very different. Little brother complains because he's not allowed to lift heavy weights yet (ortho recommends higher reps on lower weight levels for pre-14). They will be in the 7th and 11th grades this fall and for the first time the age difference is disappearing and they are acting more like brothers. It's a beautiful thing to see.
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When you can't control the urge and slap someone that really needs it.

Yell "mosquito"!
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If I am ever known as the one that got away...

It will be from an asylum.
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