mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Even through the pandemic, after "virtual" church, we were doing a "virtual coffee hour"!
A traveler staying overnight in a town needs a watch repair. He goes into a shop with a big display of clocks and other timepieces in the window, and is unimpressed when the shop-owner says that he doesn’t repair watches. ‘Then why do you have all those clocks in the window’. Answer: ‘I like clocks. I do all the ritual circumcisions in the district. What would YOU put in the window?’.
#1:
A young Jewish boy is enrolled in public school and is doing terribly in math. At her wits end, his mom decides to enroll him in Catholic school, hoping that the discipline will help him concentrate.
So the first day after the new school, the young boy comes running into the house, pulls out his books and does all of his math homework, and then spends an hour studying. This happens every day for a month straight! This young boy goes from failing math to a straight "A" average!
At the end of the school year, his mom praises him on his efforts, and asked what inspired the huge change which led to such success in math. He tells her "Well, mom, on that first day that I went into the school? When I saw they had some man nailed to a giant "plus" sign, I knew they were serious about learning math!
#2 - this pokes a little fun at Presbyterians, of which I am one...if you weren't raised in a reformed protestant religion, you might not appreciate it as much as we do!
A kindergarten teacher asked her students, as part of show and tell, to bring in something that represents something about their church.
So the first little girl gets up and says "My name is Mary, and I'm Catholic. These are my rosary beads."
The next little boy gets up and says "My name is David and I'm Jewish, and this is a dreidel."
The third little boy gets up and says "My name is Matt, I'm a Presbyterian and this is a casserole."
Son goes to visit mother in the old country. She know that he’s married to a Gentile, and asks a few more questions about how religion goes where he is now living.
No, he doesn’t always observe the Sabbath – it’s difficult when so many things are scheduled for Saturdays. No, he doesn’t always eat Kosher – his business clients often choose the restaurant for lunch meetings, and he can’t make a fuss. At the end of a long list, she finally asks anxiously “Son, are you still circumcised?”
An evangelist lady is giving a pep talk to a class of kids in school. At the end, she says “I’ve got a $2 prize for the first person to tell me the most important person in the Bible”. Little Abe’s hand shoots up and he says “Jesus”. She smiles benignly and gives him the $2.
Afterwards the teacher says “Abe, I was surprised to hear you say that”. Abe replies “Well I would have said Moses, but hey! like my father says, business is business”.
They find themselves walking down a city street, and pass a bar. Poof! The first guy immediately disappears. The next two walk on nervously. The second guy sees a wallet on the pavement and bends over to pick it up. Poof! The third guy disappears.
'Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life’ Glenda Jackson
1) Gershun's recommendation for Menopause Rhapsody is worth a watch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcVFtu-ZmmM
I plan to check out more of this woman's renditions (BTW, reading the MORE after watching confirmed what I thought - she plays all the parts too!)
2) Not dusting... My house is full of "somebodies"...
3) LOVE the popcorn/cremation!
4) Isthisrealyreal is going to ask "You can see me?" of the next stranger who tries to talk to her when she's alone... Reminds me of Grandma's Boy (movie):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1_aRnBaoSI
5) Warning labels/directions - These are seriously out of control! The first warning label I can recall seeing myself was on a hair dryer, warning not to use in the shower... seriously? Lose the warning and let natural selection do it's job... please!
This stuff is right up there with my ranting for about 20+ years about how people are becoming stupider by the day. After it came out, my son told me to watch Idiocracy... yup - I called it a pre-documentary at the time... but we ARE (and have been for a while) living it now.
Keep the funnies coming!
(if you haven't seen it, Kimmel skit on Kim Jong-un losing weight on Pelaton is pretty funny - skip to about 7 min into the video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqyyrDGvHxM
(currently watching more of Shirley's videos... Shirley of the Menopause Rhapsody fame...)
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor then held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moly Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their 3 children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!
St Paul preached about holy acrimony, which is another word for marriage.
I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam inserts, no more forgetting why I walked in a room!
I am an inquisitive person and frankly, I found those scenes in those romance novels to be hotter than visual porn. Thus, I kept peeking a read in those books even when I was with my mother in the used book store.
Well read are you?
Sorry, I am done teasing now. Maybe, bro.
I know this because I looked at what they were reading both at the beach and sometimes at home.
Your's was a bloody good joke!
"reminds me of a few romance novels that I've seen that many women read (like my stepmom, mom and aunts) at the beach plus some girls like my two step-sisters read at the beach when all of us were teens."
You know this because....???
I didn't intend my comments as a response claiming the joke as unfair, but how such humour also applies to many women.
Women like porn, but mainly the written kind although some women like my wife like visual porn. I think many male porn actors would love to hear their anatomy described like these porn romance novels do. Even if you, as a man, just barely came close to the descriptions, it would be quite an ego trip to read.
Please enjoy my intended humor here and earlier.
I went through a stage of devouring Mills&Boon ‘romance’ when I was pregnant a long time ago (before they got a bit raunchy). Each one took about 3 hours to read, and was a fair equivalent in time and effect to a tranquilliser. Have a snigger at that – I do now!
The next section of this current joke book is ‘kid’s jokes’, and the bit I’m up to currently is guaranteed to offend anyone of any religious persuasion at all. My favorite is about David, who “had a hundred wives and three hundred porcupines”. Look after yourself and please enjoy a giggle. Margaret.
But after careful consideration of the whole concept, I decided to wash my hands of it.
Movie nudity and porn are how you describe it, but it reminds me of a few romance novels that I've seen that many women read (like my stepmom, mom and aunts) at the beach plus some girls like my two step-sisters read at the beach when all of us were teens.
Here's my summary and contrast to what you wrote about and men movies.
Romance novels are written with you in mind.
Romance novel nudity is mainly male.
Romance novels develop a real storyline that women like.
While male movies and porn mainly focuses on upper body female nudity
in romance novels focus on lower body male nudity plus upper body.
Recently, I have heard or read that women are now writing porn which means that they have real story development like a romance novel and possibly written more for women than just men.
Movie nudity is virtually almost female.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
You can open all your own jars.
Your physique from the neck down is rarely an issue in job interviews.
You can go for a leak without taking someone with you.
You get extra credit for any small act of thoughtfullness.
If you are 34 and single, no-one asks.
You can admire a movie star without starving yourself to look that way.
Same work – more pay. (Me- I almost didn’t put this one in)
People never check your chest when they talk to you.
!!!
BFF -Best friend fell
BTW- Bring the wheelchair
TTYL- Talk to you louder
BYOT- Bring your own teeth
LMDO - Laughing my dentures out
IMHAO- Is my hearing aid on?
ROTFLACGU - Rolling on the floor laughing and can't get up
The day after his funeral the wife was talking to a friend and said that it took some doing but, she had spent the 30k on his funeral. The friend asked how she did it. Well, I spent 6,000.00 on the casket, 4k on the church, flowers, food and music. Then I spent the rest on the memorial stone.
Her friend was astonished at the cost of the memorial stone and asked "20k for the memorial stone? How big is it?"
Oh, about 4 carats, replied the wife.
Monday morning, Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have three companies very interested in me – they’re constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 7% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way,” asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?”
“If you must know,” says Sam, “It’s the electric company, water company, and phone company.”
An accident victim needs a brain transplant. The surgeon says it’s possible, but you have to pay for the transplant brain as well as the surgery. How much? Well the going rate for male brains is $500, for female brains $200.
Fury from victim's daughter! Why are female brains less valuable?
Answer: Most of them have already had quite a lot of use.
She's still not talking to me.
I got called pretty today! Well, the full statement was "You're pretty annoying " but, I only focus on positive things.
Bob and his wife are killed in a horrific car crash with two of Bob’s friends. St Peter at the pearly gates says ‘Heaven’s a big place, so we give newcomers some transport to find their way around. What you get depends on how well you’ve gone with the “shalt not commit” commandment’.
The first friend has had three wives and multiple affairs. He gets a bicycle. The second friend managed one wife and not too much on the side. He gets a beat-up VW. Bob’s had one wife, no sex before marriage, and no affairs. He gets a Ferrari, and zooms off.
His mates catch up with him just down the yellow brick road, sobbing over the steering wheel. ‘What’s wrong, Bob?’ ‘I stopped to check out all these dials and gauges, and my wife just passed me on a skate board!’