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🙂
"My brain cells will die
if I have to talk to you."
(1)
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🙂
“I don't care if we don't talk. Your existence still irritates me."
(1)
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🙂
“Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.”
(1)
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“Told you so.”

Sincerely,

Your intuition
(5)
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“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.”
(4)
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“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
(4)
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I may look fine
but deep down
I don't remember
any of my passwords.
(5)
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Family member: What are you doing with you life?

Me: It's a surprise.
(3)
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New Year's Resolution:
1. Get finances in order
2. Get finances
(2)
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🙂

I think it's about time I had unlimited money.
(2)
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“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.”
(3)
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🤪😜🤯

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
(2)
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🙂

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."
(1)
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🙂

"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." 
(1)
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🙃🙃🙃

“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”
(2)
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🙂 I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead.
(2)
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🙂 When I die, I want my last words to be, “I left $1 million under the
(3)
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Not a joke, kind of funny, but not sure where else to put this. And I have to tell someone, but someone that doesn't know the person that said this

I got a text last night from a friend that said. Wow, 911 is on 9/11 this year.

In her defense she had a brain injury years ago from a bad car accident
(2)
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Well aren’t you a waste of 2 billion years of evolution.
(3)
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🙂 My guess is:
you haven’t been diagnosed yet.
(3)
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🙂 I’m actually weirder
thank you think.
(2)
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I’d like to offer moral support
but I have questionable morals.
(3)
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🙂 If you figure me out
I want an explanation.
(3)
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🙂 I have terrible ideas
if you need any.
(3)
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Once you've read the dictionary
every book you read is a remix.
🙂
(3)
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Everything I like is either fattening, expensive or won't text me.
(2)
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Every once in a while
I check up on people I hate
to make sure I still hate them.
(2)
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🙂 Pizza is not a matter of life and death.
It's much more important than that.
(1)
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Diet is eating food that makes you sad...
(1)
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When you find out that someone hates the same person as you:
The beginning of a long, long friendship.
🙂
(1)
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