Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
1 2 3
wow i am soo sorry for this. i truly understand. i am taking care of my mother in law who this time out of the hosptial was said to have bipolar with bouths of schizophrenia , and major depression , and now early onset of altzhimers, and dementia . i was like holy crap on a cracker can we add anything else. she has been in and out of hosptials for the last 3 years and sister in law had her last year . So this time it was our turn to go get her. his brother cant handle seeing his mom like that so of course he does nothing. i have spent about all our savings on lawyers and crap. we are currently in the process of trying to get her to give my husband guardianship. If not for anything but to get her on our military insurance. she has medicare and no drug covereage because she was in the psych hospital last year during enroll ment and they wouldnt let her sign up . So i spend my days catering to her needs being her shoulffer , and waiting on her hand and foot , spend hours on end on the computer just looking for ways to help pay for her medications. last one was 1465.99 for 30 day supply !!! i am so tired , OH and i must add that just last month my last child moved back out on her own and now all three kids are out , i am done raising kids and grand kids , didnt even get a break and now i am rasing a 67 year old ! i like you get no respect because its his mother. so i know just where you are coming from. If you want to save your marriage do like i just did. get a copy of a divorce decree at your local office max and some brocures from your local nursing homes or assisted living homes and leave them on the table when hubby asks tell him you have a choice to make and if i were you choose carefully ! if he chooses his father over you . CLEAN HIM OUT. make him sell the house and split the profit with you . see how he likes living in an apartment having to take care of his dad by himself. Trust me YOU are the only one who is going to take care of YOU good luck. hope it works out for you.
(4)
Report

I, too, can relate to how Susan feels about herself and her situation. I hate who I have become and I have who my husband has become. I know it's the disease/dementia, but I still hate it. In just a few short months, I have lost all interest in everything. I would rather sit in front of the TV all day than do anything. I know I am severely depressed, and the doctor has offered meds, but I've been down that road before, and all that happened is that I needed more and more drugs to feel normal. I slowly/carefully weaned myself of them over a 2-yr period, and I am not about to go down that road again. She has also suggested counseling, but I can't afford it. So I vent here and to a few select friends because I can't share my feelings with my daughter who is my only family. My husband's sons won't return calls and don't call their father. One hasn't spoken to him in about 5 or 6 yrs because he has a chip on his shoulder the size of a sequoia and thinks everyone owes him everything. I'd love to leave, but who would care for my husband? I'm almost to the point that I don't care. He can fend for himself until something happens, but I'm not that evil...at least not yet. I just feel that if something doesn't change soon, I am going to explode! It's a sad, terrible life.
(2)
Report

I went through the same thing with my mother who suffered from alzheimers. I used to say - "I used to be fun, and smiling and nice" - and then moving in to care for my mother - I wasn't fun anymore .... and that really bothered me. So what I did was put myself into the equation - it is essential. I took a night and a day to myself - and I got out and even if it was just a sleepover somewhere else, or shopping and lunch with a friend - it gave me a break - and offered me the opportunity of coming back to mom with more patience, a fun story to tell - being more lighthearted. Long story short - put yourself into the equation and arrange to have some time away - some 'you' time. You must. Warm and supportive thoughts to you.
(1)
Report

Through out all of the comments I never saw the ever wondering questions. What is daddy in law worth? What do the "boys" expect to get as inheritance when he goes? There seems to be a lot of indifference and subtle procrastination on their part going on waiting for the inevitable. Looks like what their priority is, is obvious, and you are not it. Take a leave for a while and let them stew. If they do not realize what the problem is and come to a compromise, you know what you have to do for you own peace of mind.
(2)
Report

Listen up Everyone !!! Ferris1 has good ideas. She has helped me find "Me" again,
in amongst the ruins of Chaos dealing with my outrageous demanding, selfish parents.
(1)
Report

Try to hang on until the medical aid is straightened out so that you can get him placed in a residential setting. Do whatever you can to get that expedited because, while I agree with everything everyone has said about the need for his family to step up and do more, the probability of that happening isn't likely to be high. You have every right to feel the way you do - and you are not being melodramatic - he needs to LEAVE!
(4)
Report

i am overwhelmed with all your replies and love and support. i know you are all going through the same or even worse, i know my situation is not unique. this morning i was thinking, i want to be able to walk around the house in skimpy clothes again, or put on loud music and pretend i'm tina turner, or just sit at my own kitchen table for coffee alone again. to not have my cupboards rearranged, or him lying all over the couch, or gagging at the dinner table or the biscuits to last for longer than a day. to not have to shout all the time because he won't wear a hearing aid. to sit with my kids when they come home from school. to not have another godamm sundowners episode. to not be the one who gets his anger and long face all day long. to not have him sit there when a friend comes to see me. i know it sounds so horrid, but it wears me down, day after day after day. as one person says, it is the unrelenting ingratitude of it all that gets me. its a mine field this, and not an easy one. i have contacted a womans advice centre and am seeing them next week, to find out what my options are. they told me to stay put til then which i am doing. my hubby and i spoke (again). he doesn't want me to go, says he loves me, and wants to know what i need from him to make it possible til we can get the old man into a home. i said i would write him a list .... any suggestions?

our situation is compounded that fil has no medical aid, and at 90, it is becoming very difficult to arrange anything. we are currently working with a lawyer to get him a state medical aid. assisted living will not take him until he has medical aid so that is the huge stumbling block to getting him out of our home.

thank you all for caring so much to support this lonely woman in germany. saying aprayer for all of us tonight.

ps, one good thing ... my german is improving enough that i could listen to the whole presentation last night and understand most of it .... and i even could ask a question and got all the words out sort of right. thats a good thing and i am holding onto good things right now.
(7)
Report

You have received invaluable support and advice in this thread.

Your current situation, and lack of family support, raises the more important question of your husband: If and when YOU need care, will he be there for YOU?
He needs to prove that he values and cherishes you in this current situation - otherwise, you may need to start thinking about how you will care for your own self.
Hugs, and Wishing you the best in taking back your life!
(5)
Report

Susan-there are days I have to take several deeps breaths and tell myself to snap out of it just because I want my house to myself. I want to sing at the top of my lungs, crank music, bang on my piano, talk about risky stuff on the phone with my best friend on a Saturday morning over coffee.....but I can't---because my mom lives with me and near my everyday motions and she goes to bed early, sleeps late, anything I do seems to be her business despite her not meaning it to become that but is has and I don't want to say mind your own business. The worst thing I said to her one day is Mom you have to remember for 20 years while I raised 3 kids alone you lived in Florida--I am not used to having someone here all the time, in my kitchen, in my garden--then I feel so guilty because all she wants to do is help and I know that is good for her.
I FEEL SO FOR YOU as you can see I am not anywhere near what you are going thru but can relate just based on wanting my privacy with myself, my husband, my kids and I was once married to an indifferent then abusive man. I have all brothers and I know how men can be in this situation--ABSENT--but that does not mean you should put up with this to the point you are near a breakdown. Take a break-you will be surprised how the will step up if they have to. Hugs and support.
(4)
Report

Like someone said, make an appointment with a divorce attorney. That may wake 'em up about how serious the situation is. My sis used this tactic once, and it worked - no divorce occurred. She now has a passable marriage. It took going to the attorney to wake up Mr. Clueless. He didn't understand the problem until she formalized it. It might work for you.
(1)
Report

Golly...so many people people with similar experiences!
This is a wonderful site for teaching those that don't have caregiving responsibilities what it is really like for those who do give so much.
You guys are fantastic! Thank you for your service.
(3)
Report

Regardless of whether or not your FIL's behavior/attitude is due to dementia, it sounds like you husband and BIL have a long standing challenge with being "adults" around their father. You can't change them, and if they're not willing to make some changes, it will be up to you to decide what you need to do to take care of YOU! It may feel "selfish", but if you step back and look at the situation, they are wanting YOU to "change" to accommodate caregiving your FIL.
(3)
Report

make arrangements for a few hours of adult care(charge to bro-in-law). Pack your bag. Go for a nice vacation to where ever you would like. Recharge,rejuvinate and find that nice girl again.
When you return. Set down rules. If the men cannot abide by them,then yes,by all means,get your life back in order. Manipulation is a weapon that is used against caregivers to bend their will. It is subtle.
It does not make you a bad person to think of yourself. And it doesn't really matter what strangers think. Let them have a go at it and see how they fare.
Best of luck to you.
Moonshadowgal
(4)
Report

Susan, I hear and feel your pain. I too am taking care of an elderly parent, only she is my mother. She has been extremely mean to me and only me. I have just turned and walked away. I don't give it a second thought either.
Like you I went to a caregivers conference and also like you, the RN who was speaking was talking about MY LIFE! She had somehow miraculously gotten private personal details and was sharing them with the entire room. Of course it wasn't my life but I felt like it was.
I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I have been managing my home, the home she left, an assisted living apt. (which is now closed out), her healthcare, and... I started a brand new full time job - which was a well deserved promotion for me. Stressed... just a tad!
I ordered myself a DVD of Qigong ( pronounced Chi-gong) for relaxation. I also have a Tai Chi video which I am beginning. I NEED to relax as do you. Remember one thing, nobody is going to take care of you except for YOU! JUST DO IT! Make the time for yourself, you absolutely have to and let the men fend for themselves. If they can't then they need to grow up and start taking care of everything.
Just today my daughter started pounding me emotionally with e-mails pertaining to her son, my grandson, and I finally had to tell her to let it go, this is getting out of hand. Any more e-mails from her will just be deleted. I am a very caring person with an extremely soft heart, (which I hate having) but that is how God made me. Why, I have no idea but there is a purpose. I suppose I am the only one who utilizes that soft heart to really care about Mom, when everyone else gets really frustrated and angry.
In my exhaustion, I have made some really bad decisions... like not trusting my gut on things - to which I am usually right. I end up beating myself up over what comes out of those mistakes. Going through one right now. The one thing I know is life goes on, and I just have to get over it and roll with it. Not an easy thing to do either. It does take time.
Blessings to you, make the decision to take care of yourself... you are all you have! Take care of YOU!
(3)
Report

In answer to Susan 26....I am so on board with how you feel. Because I too am taking care of my MIL who has been in our home for two years. To begin with, I am 59 years old and four years ago lost my beautiful, amazing daughter to cancer. I cared for her with every cell of my being during her last year and a half of life. I had just barely recovered from grieving over this tremendous loss when things started to go wrong with my husband's mother's living situation. AT that time she had been living independently but could not longer function and moved in with her daughter, my SIL. She was 95 and had beginning stages of dementia that doctors say is of the alzheimers type. Otherwise she was and still is in excellent health but very frail, wobbly, drooly, hard of hearing, has hallucinations, paranoias and all that goes with dementia. Her entire life was about her and her appearance and even though she fights oral hygiene and showering she never, never forgets about hair, nails and lipstick. I guess some things the mind never forgets. So now we get to the facts. After moving in with us my SIL has literally forgotten all about her own mother and does not communicate in any way. WE rescued my MIL from her because she was emotionally and financially abusive to her. She lives 600 miles away so is not even close by to share in the care. I do all the diapers, feeding, brushing her teeth for her, washing her butt, showering her, rolling her hair,laundry, even have to put her hearing aids in for her, etc. etc. etc. Everyone else thinks she is the cute and sweet little old lady but I see her as a ball and chain and my life is now on hold until we come to some point in time when she is not able to get out of bed. That is where I will either leave or put her into a home myself. My husband gets annoyed by the inconvenience and her behaviors but can't face putting her in a home yet. I have to be honest and tell you that I am not the kindest person to my MIL. I do not let her tell me what she wants. I put her in her room instead of letting her sleep on my couch with her mouth open snoring all day. She has to go to bed when we do and she will eat what I put in front of her three times a day which is nutritious and tasty. Because of those things I am able to still at least feel like I am in charge and hope that because she is now 97 that this won't go on much longer. I also look at myself and wonder what happened? I even see in pics of me that I no longer smile and have a perpetual frown...why? I too was once a kind and happy person.
(8)
Report

Susan26: "Nobody gets it"? Wrong. I totally get it!

On Aug 26 I was one person & on Aug 27th, I became another. Aug 26 I was someone who I rather liked & developed over many years...slowly learning to undo many "issues" from the childhood years. A hard one was to learn to not hide emotions & not to necessarily "keep peace at any or all costs". Aug 27 (when Mom arrived) I was taken back to many of my childhood issues.
Mom does not have dementia as of yet, but still gets upset with me if/when my voice gets a bit louder than normal. I'm not talking about a yelling/screaming match.. I'm talking of something as simple as the phone ringing when I'm in the middle of something & saying aloud to myself, "what now?" ..or as simple as forgetting to take to cookies out of the oven on time & they get a bit over-done & saying "Oh, shoot!" In fact, I am starting to hear my dad (who's been gone for 3 years), say "Dont talk to your mother like that!"
I dont resent Mom for the past... they did what they thought best at the time with what they had, & they too, are products of their upbringing.

In my first marriage I lived with mental abuse. Then I moved up: & I got both mental AND physical abuse. After leaving that, I had decided that I didnt care how or where I lived, or how poor I was, that I would never again ever live without peace in my home. My hubby now, of 7 years is a true joy to be around. Our home has been peaceful ...till Aug 27.
On the one hand, I want Mom to feel at home, but on the other hand I also want her to treat our home as if she were company. Does that make sense? On the one hand, I want her to help herself to the fridge when she's hungry (my company feels free to do that, too) but on the other hand, dont go rearranging stuff in my bathroom. (Yes, we have just one bathroom, which is a whole 'nuther story!)
Friends/Acquaintences love her to peices... she is really a lovely person, but these people have no idea what it is like to have a parent living with you. I no longer try to explain to those who have not themselves cared for a parent in their home.
Get it? Yes, I get it! Sometimes I cant believe how cathartic it is to read others' messages here & read about what they are going through & cry over these situations of people that you dont even personally know. Big hugs to all of you who are or have found themselves to be in similar situtaions! I read your posts & realize that I dont have it all that bad, after all.

Take care of YOU... no one else will. Your name is "wife", not "doormat". Your sign says "love me", not "abuse me". Resentful & exhausted? Yes. But powerless? Never....there are always options. Do some creative thinking & planning like others have suggested & take care of You!

Yes, We here, get it!
(6)
Report

It is the never ending ingratitude that floors me. From all parties involved! There are days my head could explode from it.
(5)
Report

You do change. You develop a keen awareness of BS artists. Things you may have viewed as self-indulgences, like manicures or eating out, become precious to you. For the first time the charitable, kind persons asks, "What about me? Aren't I entitled to live my life? Susan, you have already struggled and answered these questions. Now take guilt-free steps towards wholeness. We fellow caregivers salute you! You've paid your dues and we will continue to pay ours until we recognize that we cannot any longer. With God's mercy, our freedom is not far behind.
(3)
Report

Get hospice in. That will solve a lot. Beyond that, tell the boys that you need a vacation and they can deal with each other. The end.
(2)
Report

Oh boy - this is EXACTLY how I have felt countless times since caring for my mother - VENT AWAY!!!!. Caregiving is NOT for everyone - that I have learned the hard way. It seems like it should be such a simple job - make a few meals, do a few loads of laundry, go to the doctors, etc., but the emotional baggage that comes along with it is enough to fill a freight train. In your circumstance, with a bunch of clueless males running the show, I would suggest you print out your statement above, leave it on the kitchen table, and walk out the door - go stay with a girlfriend (that hopefully lives out of town) for a few days. If that's not possible, check into a hotel by yourself, turn off your phone, take long hot baths with a glass (or two) of wine in hand and light a few candles...you NEED some alone time before you go nuts! Let your husband deal with his father for a few days by himself - maybe he'll get a clue what you go through! Seriously - you need to take care of yourself - don't let "the boys" tell you any differently!!
(5)
Report

I can, totally, relate to you. I, too, worry about the person that I seem to l have become. I was kind, compassionate and giving. Now I am biter, resentful and feel so alone. Feel no guilt. It's because of the way we were that we are the caregivers. Probably no one else wanted to do it and no one else did it. We take on too much guilt for being human- getting tired, being frustrated, wanting to have a life. Tears are in my eyes. No one ( and I mean no one ) has the right to make another human being's life miserable (especially when that person is the one helping him/her. Vent all you want. Many of us are in the same situation and totally understand your feelings. It's been over two years for me and if I had only known. Nothing has taken a toll on me like this situation has.
There are headaches, stomach aches, back pains along with the emotional and mental anxieties. Do what is best for you if you can! Me, I just try to make it through another day.
(4)
Report

How? YOU allowed it to happen. Now it is up to YOU to solve it by whatever means YOU feel will make YOU a kind person again. Only YOU can rescue YOU. I hope you find her again!
(2)
Report

Hi, Just want to add...

In my experience, I watched my mom become an ugly person and just having to deal with that ugliness made me an ugly person, who I did NOT want to be. I wish I had taken better care of myself. I wish I had taken time, come HELL or HIGH WATER to exercise, to eat right, to sleep and to laugh ... with friends, but I didn't. I can only tell you what I wish I had done, now that it's over.

I hope you are strong enough to pull yourself away from the ugliness and keep yourself beautiful... because you ARE beautiful and I know exactly what you are going through and what is happening.

Please don't let it happen to you... Take time for yourself, until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself.

As for writing on this site, I did that... vented. It helped just to say it. Then it helped tremendously to get the good ideas from caring people here.. then, oddly, it helped to look back at how CRUSHED I was after my mom passed away. It actually helped me to get perspective on how difficult my journey was and that I'm now working on getting back on my feet.

It's a sunny beautiful day... and right after I dig out the piles and piles of things in her house, I will go out for a walk and get warm in the sunshine. I am wishing you the best possible journey through your challenges!
(5)
Report

Its okay to let it out, but you are going to need to stand up and take charge of you! If you keep allowing yourself to be used like this then that is what they are going to do. No one wants the responsiblty of taking care of pops, so, call in a sitter your husband and brother-n-law will have to pay for that. Then take you out and get the hair done, nails done and call a close family member, or friend, and meet for lunch. You have to get it together or you will be the one to lose it all. I will be praying for you, but you have to start praying for this family and self too. Be Blessed..
(4)
Report

ps. one last comment in case I didn't make it clear is that I no longer feel any of the anger or resentment that I had. I have a good relationship with everyone in my household, and no I didn't get religion to do all this., LOL
(2)
Report

Susan, really tears for you for what you are going through and tears for me to know that I identify with everything you say. They just have no idea how stressful it is and how ungrateful everyone seems to be. I worked with mentally ill people for the majority of my life in a caring and compassionate way, but this is just over the top and really he isn't as impaired as some I hear about. I feel like if I just duck down and let stuff slide it only gets worse so it is a constant battle..;not the way I want to live my retirement out. He has been with us 3 years with not one moment of respite or privacy for me, in my own home. BIL does virtually nothing. He actually came to DH and said that if dad left him anything he wanted DH to have it as we are taking care of him. Are you kidding me?????? He has nothing and BTW "I" am the one doing the work. Resentful?? You bet! And just to add to the stress, BOTH of my parents are not well and live near my sis. So when ever she needs a break, I go there if I can to help them out and have all kinds of guilt if I cannot. I was so happy to find you all I am just overwhelmed with gratitude to find others who truly understand this stress. Hugs Susan , you have a lot of company! Hope you find a job soon of whatever you need to get back on a path that will give you peace!
(4)
Report

Susan , you are definitely overwhelmed and the lack of consideration of your husband is just the pits! You are not a door mat so don't be one---if you have to, move out for a while and let the ship float by itself or sink. My marriage has suffered tremendously since the MIL came here to live but she does not live with us and we are looking to get her into a place that accepts her with VA benefits. She really isn't the problem ---it's my husband! You can't ask any questions or even comment on related issues involving her. I have pretty much washed my hands of the entire issue. I have told him if the attitude doesn't change I will see a lawyer.
(6)
Report

Susan26, I haven't read everyone's comments due to time this morning but I just want to say that I've been where you are at and I totally get it. You are right to vent, it helps to just be heard by someone and have your feelings validated. Here is what I would suggest and it will make you feel so much better after doing it but it might be extremely hard for you to do (like it was for me). But you have the power to take control and get YOUR life back. First set a new boundary, make your rules. Sit the FIL, husband and brother all down in front of you (or who you physically are able to) Next channel that anger right at them where it needs to be! Tell them that this is your house and so far you have gone along with them because you are a nice person but by doing this you are miserable and you are not going to allow this to happen to your life anymore. It stops today. Tell then the rules and tell them that if they don't like it they can get out! I know it is harsh but you are talking about self preservation here. Once you lay down your rules be prepared to enforce them. They will test you. They will get angry and try to blame you for everything, etc. etc. but don't buy into it. Let them call you every vile name in the book if you have to but hold your ground. Let that inner bitch out, she is there to stand up for and protect you. If you need some personal daily encouragement outside of a group thread please feel free to message me and I will be here for you. I had to do my own version of this and believe me all the same people are here but everything has changed. Things are being done or not done by MY rules and everyone is once again happy. I feel in complete control of my life and I'm living my life again while still caregiving in my home. It took me 6 years to learn how to do this and it is my hearts desire to help as many other caregivers make the same breakthrough and get their lives back. Life is great and you deserve to have your slice of happiness and live your life the way you want and still care for others while doing so. XO! There is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train!!
(7)
Report

Boy....I hear ya big time. You are not alone in your sentiment that you do no like who you have become. I tell many people that one of the hardest parts of caregiving (no matter who it is) is coming to terms with who you are. It is rising to the challenge of all the job demands that you be. It taps my very soul. I sometimes find myself not liking who I see in the mirror. My change in behavior since I came to care for my mother has caused a huge rift in my relationship with my sister and the rest of my family. I am more often bitchy, short-tempered, angry, resentful, complaining and drained. The culture dictates that a caregiver is supposed to be compassionate and loving. It always seems like those attributes are not in enough supply. I, like you, feel like I just want to walk away before I become totally destroyed physically or mentally or both. Every moment of every day I have to breathe and start again or I will lose it. I feel frustrated that there is no financial or other way out.
(3)
Report

Amen!
(5)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter