I used to be a nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. The one thing people always said about me is that I was kind. Now I am angry, resentful, exhausted, trapped with no way out, and feel completely powerless in this situation with an old man who calls all the shots, an absent brother in law who runs my house through his father, and my husband who keeps promising the earth but when it comes down to it only ever does what makes his dad happy. The only way to save myself from becoming completley embittered and horrid is to get out and I am so angry that I have to give up my home, my life, my marriage because of this man and nobody, nobody gets it.
I can't do this caregiving thing. I take my hats off to those of you who do, and I have enormous respect for you, but I can't do this manipulation and meanness any longer. It is not right, its not natural, and I am heart broken that I am the bad, disgusting, awful person when these three men have just taken every good thing that I offered and twisted my life into this unrecognizable shape.
I used to be a nice person. Maybe one day I will find her again, but I am really becoming scared of who I will become if I stay here.
I know its burn out. You know its burn out. The people here? Just shut up and get on with it, and then life can be happy again. The only problem in life is YOU. Ah man. How did it get to be that such a compassionate act sincerely meant ended up this way and got me into this mess?
in amongst the ruins of Chaos dealing with my outrageous demanding, selfish parents.
our situation is compounded that fil has no medical aid, and at 90, it is becoming very difficult to arrange anything. we are currently working with a lawyer to get him a state medical aid. assisted living will not take him until he has medical aid so that is the huge stumbling block to getting him out of our home.
thank you all for caring so much to support this lonely woman in germany. saying aprayer for all of us tonight.
ps, one good thing ... my german is improving enough that i could listen to the whole presentation last night and understand most of it .... and i even could ask a question and got all the words out sort of right. thats a good thing and i am holding onto good things right now.
Your current situation, and lack of family support, raises the more important question of your husband: If and when YOU need care, will he be there for YOU?
He needs to prove that he values and cherishes you in this current situation - otherwise, you may need to start thinking about how you will care for your own self.
Hugs, and Wishing you the best in taking back your life!
I FEEL SO FOR YOU as you can see I am not anywhere near what you are going thru but can relate just based on wanting my privacy with myself, my husband, my kids and I was once married to an indifferent then abusive man. I have all brothers and I know how men can be in this situation--ABSENT--but that does not mean you should put up with this to the point you are near a breakdown. Take a break-you will be surprised how the will step up if they have to. Hugs and support.
This is a wonderful site for teaching those that don't have caregiving responsibilities what it is really like for those who do give so much.
You guys are fantastic! Thank you for your service.
When you return. Set down rules. If the men cannot abide by them,then yes,by all means,get your life back in order. Manipulation is a weapon that is used against caregivers to bend their will. It is subtle.
It does not make you a bad person to think of yourself. And it doesn't really matter what strangers think. Let them have a go at it and see how they fare.
Best of luck to you.
Moonshadowgal
Like you I went to a caregivers conference and also like you, the RN who was speaking was talking about MY LIFE! She had somehow miraculously gotten private personal details and was sharing them with the entire room. Of course it wasn't my life but I felt like it was.
I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I have been managing my home, the home she left, an assisted living apt. (which is now closed out), her healthcare, and... I started a brand new full time job - which was a well deserved promotion for me. Stressed... just a tad!
I ordered myself a DVD of Qigong ( pronounced Chi-gong) for relaxation. I also have a Tai Chi video which I am beginning. I NEED to relax as do you. Remember one thing, nobody is going to take care of you except for YOU! JUST DO IT! Make the time for yourself, you absolutely have to and let the men fend for themselves. If they can't then they need to grow up and start taking care of everything.
Just today my daughter started pounding me emotionally with e-mails pertaining to her son, my grandson, and I finally had to tell her to let it go, this is getting out of hand. Any more e-mails from her will just be deleted. I am a very caring person with an extremely soft heart, (which I hate having) but that is how God made me. Why, I have no idea but there is a purpose. I suppose I am the only one who utilizes that soft heart to really care about Mom, when everyone else gets really frustrated and angry.
In my exhaustion, I have made some really bad decisions... like not trusting my gut on things - to which I am usually right. I end up beating myself up over what comes out of those mistakes. Going through one right now. The one thing I know is life goes on, and I just have to get over it and roll with it. Not an easy thing to do either. It does take time.
Blessings to you, make the decision to take care of yourself... you are all you have! Take care of YOU!
On Aug 26 I was one person & on Aug 27th, I became another. Aug 26 I was someone who I rather liked & developed over many years...slowly learning to undo many "issues" from the childhood years. A hard one was to learn to not hide emotions & not to necessarily "keep peace at any or all costs". Aug 27 (when Mom arrived) I was taken back to many of my childhood issues.
Mom does not have dementia as of yet, but still gets upset with me if/when my voice gets a bit louder than normal. I'm not talking about a yelling/screaming match.. I'm talking of something as simple as the phone ringing when I'm in the middle of something & saying aloud to myself, "what now?" ..or as simple as forgetting to take to cookies out of the oven on time & they get a bit over-done & saying "Oh, shoot!" In fact, I am starting to hear my dad (who's been gone for 3 years), say "Dont talk to your mother like that!"
I dont resent Mom for the past... they did what they thought best at the time with what they had, & they too, are products of their upbringing.
In my first marriage I lived with mental abuse. Then I moved up: & I got both mental AND physical abuse. After leaving that, I had decided that I didnt care how or where I lived, or how poor I was, that I would never again ever live without peace in my home. My hubby now, of 7 years is a true joy to be around. Our home has been peaceful ...till Aug 27.
On the one hand, I want Mom to feel at home, but on the other hand I also want her to treat our home as if she were company. Does that make sense? On the one hand, I want her to help herself to the fridge when she's hungry (my company feels free to do that, too) but on the other hand, dont go rearranging stuff in my bathroom. (Yes, we have just one bathroom, which is a whole 'nuther story!)
Friends/Acquaintences love her to peices... she is really a lovely person, but these people have no idea what it is like to have a parent living with you. I no longer try to explain to those who have not themselves cared for a parent in their home.
Get it? Yes, I get it! Sometimes I cant believe how cathartic it is to read others' messages here & read about what they are going through & cry over these situations of people that you dont even personally know. Big hugs to all of you who are or have found themselves to be in similar situtaions! I read your posts & realize that I dont have it all that bad, after all.
Take care of YOU... no one else will. Your name is "wife", not "doormat". Your sign says "love me", not "abuse me". Resentful & exhausted? Yes. But powerless? Never....there are always options. Do some creative thinking & planning like others have suggested & take care of You!
Yes, We here, get it!
There are headaches, stomach aches, back pains along with the emotional and mental anxieties. Do what is best for you if you can! Me, I just try to make it through another day.
In my experience, I watched my mom become an ugly person and just having to deal with that ugliness made me an ugly person, who I did NOT want to be. I wish I had taken better care of myself. I wish I had taken time, come HELL or HIGH WATER to exercise, to eat right, to sleep and to laugh ... with friends, but I didn't. I can only tell you what I wish I had done, now that it's over.
I hope you are strong enough to pull yourself away from the ugliness and keep yourself beautiful... because you ARE beautiful and I know exactly what you are going through and what is happening.
Please don't let it happen to you... Take time for yourself, until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself.
As for writing on this site, I did that... vented. It helped just to say it. Then it helped tremendously to get the good ideas from caring people here.. then, oddly, it helped to look back at how CRUSHED I was after my mom passed away. It actually helped me to get perspective on how difficult my journey was and that I'm now working on getting back on my feet.
It's a sunny beautiful day... and right after I dig out the piles and piles of things in her house, I will go out for a walk and get warm in the sunshine. I am wishing you the best possible journey through your challenges!