Well, I have been taking care of my mom with dementia and working two jobs, plus have a brother and sister that are handicapped that live in our house as well. My brother has a caregiver during the day and my sister and I take care (mostly my sister because I have back problems) of him in the evening. I am the only one that drives, does the finances, gets the pills, runs all the errands, plus works a full time job plus a part time job.
So, everytime I do something it is either not enough or not good enough. Example - my sister had a shopping list of stuff, but didnt include hot dog buns. I didnt know what meals she was planning for the week (my fault I know). Anyway, I got everything on the list, plus stuff my brother wanted, and my Moms perscriptions.
I get home and my sister says "well I guess we will eat hot sausage on bread". Not oh I forgot to add hot dog buns to the list, etc. etc. So frustrating.
Well, last night I got home from work, mom started her routine of telling me how old she is (71) and asking how old I am (43). She has some kind of fixation on age...anyway, she comments its hot in here...five minutes later its cold in here. We go through this daily.
She complained that the light in the hallway we leave on at night is too bright. So, I was trying to find a way to put a lampshade or something on it and here I am up on a chair on my tippy toes trying to figure out how to fix this and she starts asking - what are you doing why are you doing that. Meanwhile, she has dizzy spells and has complaining about being dizzy all day and she is up out of her chair walking toward me. I am trying to keep my balance myself and trying to get her to sit down. She just keeps yelling at me.
I finally yelled back at her and said Mom hush up and sit down for a minute. She flipped on me and I couldnt stop myself. I just went off. I told her I am tired of working so much and coming home and worrying about who is going to be mad at me. I am tired of walking on eggshells and that I wasn't doing anything for anyone any more. With that I made sure she was sitting in her chair and I locked myself in my bedroom.
I didnt leave her by herself. My sister was there with her.
When I went back out to apologize they were both upset with me.
I feel so bad for lashing out, but this is so hard and I feel so unappreciated. But I realize that it isnt their fault that I am the only one healthy enough to do this, so I shouldnt get upset with them. But boy is it rough and I feel like a complete meany ignorant person.....
family. Develop the courage to communicate often and strongly, then make it a habit. As a result, you will achieve some respect.
Certainly if medically they are beyond being cared for at home a nursing home would be a consideration.
But there are a lot of us who would rather be at home than to ever be in a nursing home if at all possible. Most families have their squabbles - maybe they just need to sit down and talk things out .
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT.
Ditto your brother and sister. State is willing to pay to keep them out of nursing homes. Sounds like your brother is getting some aid -but obviously needs more. Maybe ask whoever is paying (state, etc.) for his caregiver how to get nighttime assistance.
As we hear on this site all the time - "If something happens to you - who will take care of them??" Since it seems you are the responsible party here, you need to take care of yourself first.
Does your mother get SS and do your siblings get disability? I wondered why you needed to hold down 1.5 jobs. It sure would be easier if you just had the one.
I don't know if it is a problem for you, but one of the worst problems I had when I moved in with my parents was that I was super-responsible. I wanted to do and fix everything around. It was terrible, especially when one parent countered everything I did. I am learning to be less responsible now. I feel guilty at times, but I was wearing myself out before. It wasn't anything that was required of me. I just thought I should do and fix anything that needed doing/fixing. I am beginning to learn that the world keeps turning even if I don't get the bushes trimmed and the floors mopped. One more step downhill and people will start calling me lazy, I'm sure, but this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I just realized that last post I saw from you about mom finding a male companion. Take her to a day program, let her make friends, dependence on you will diminish. There are so many options for help. I doubt that blowing up at her has helped the situation at all, and understand the guilt. But, you are caring for more than your mom, you also need to care for yourself, get the help you need. Yes, it would be hard to let go, but you need to do it for yourself as well.
Ask them is it too much to ask for some breathing room. When I need to vent, I tell them I am angry and can't think clearly. Then I leave the house for 10-20 minutes to cool off. Good luck and know that there are plenty who sympathize and understand your situation.
I don't know what is wrong with your mom, but at 71, she could live another 20 years.