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I appreciate all your comments. and 1Tommy - I think you need to realize that the last place my mother will go is into a nursing home. Yelling and using them to get by on, really - you need to try to walk in my shoes. I am betting that you wouldn't last 10 minutes.
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Just to get a few things straight - I own a home - well, I am still paying a mortgage, but I rent it out - for less than the mortgage. I Pay the remaining mortgage WITH MY OWN MONEY - not my families.

My sister has brain damage. She is not able to work, but she is able to take care of my mom and brother when I am not around.

My car had a lot of miles on it, so I had to get a new car so I have a car payment that again - I PAY FOR WITH MY OWN MONEY NOT MY FAMILIES.

I am venting - looking for help, a little compassion, but advise. I am trying to keep my family together.
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Tommy, you said:

people that ARE NOT Trained to take care of people that are Elderly..need to stop
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT.

Omg. Really? 'Stop the yelling and USING them to get by on'... What the hell planet are you from? And where do you get the hell off making such comments? You don't know jack about most people's situations around here. My mom dogged me, yeah, SHE did, for over a year to get ME to live with HER. When I moved in with certain understandings about her care, she changed the rules as soon as she had me in her clutches. I paid HER the vast majority of MY paychecks the first 5 years I was here, caring for HER and HER house, and yeard, and dog, and rental properties and...yeah. . She also demanded, yes, demanded, the vast majority of my tax refunds as well. I had a life outside here, I was renting a little house I was happy with. What she pulled on me amounted to extortion. Who was using who to get by on what? My mom didn't WANT to be in a nursing home, understand? She wanted to stay HERE. She refused to give either myself of my son POA in case something happened, claiming 'nothing ever would'. By the time she couldn't make her own decisions, I was STUCK here with her, without money of my own because it all went to HER, get it?
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Tommy, go sell your crap about untrained caregivers NOT doing it to the government and see how THEY like the 35+ BILLION we lousy, bitching, untrained caregivers save them and see if THEY buy it.

I care for my mom much, much better than any freaking nurse around, thanks, and so do most of the people here. I'm TRYING to get my mom into a facility as we speak, using HER assets. The hold up? All those wonderful, beautiful TRAINED doctors refusing to give me the note to declare her incompetent. I didn't realize you had to have a degree to notice that about my mom. Evidently the docs need more training themselves since they can't decide to give me that note. Maybe they, unlike you, just don't freaking realize an end stage alz patient needs 24/7 care that I freaking provided the last 6 of my UNTRAINED years, and don't WANT to provide anymore....that THEY'RE trying to FORCE me into taking on again, by calling me and telling me I HAVE to come get my mom from the hospital when I called 911 to get her because my own health was in danger, because I've been doing such a STELLAR job around the clock, by MYSELF, 365 days a years with minimal help from anybody! Taken care of 'correctly'? Who the hell are YOU kidding? Sheesh! Whatever. . I can personally do without your kind of so called advice thanks.
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Oh, and Tommy...it IS about US. ALL about US. Because WE'RE the ones killing ourselves to do RIGHT by our parents every step of the way.
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You're ok. It's ok to blow up sometimes. Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up. Remember, this won't be forever. God Bless. :)
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Leave it to Standing Alone to really tell it like it is! TOMMY - I've patiently read many of your posts that have been nasty and judgemental. Now you finally reveal that you are a NURSE! Trained, I'm sure, but it's crystal clear to everyone here that you are obviously NOT taking care of an elder person in your own home. You have never related even one personal experience of home-caregiving that I have noticed. Totally different picture when you can walk off the job at the end of your shift. SO, until you've walked a mile in OUR shoes, I agree you need to STFU!!
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Orange, will you marry me? hee hee ;)
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Furthermore TOMMY, nobody on this site is abusing the elders they care for, or they would not bother being on this site to begin with. On the contrary, the CAREGIVERS are mainly the ones who suffer verbal, physical, emotional, psychological,and even financial abuse at the hands of our elders. Most of us have given up fulltime jobs, benefits, medical insurance, retirement funds etc. to contribute to the care of our elders. Gee, do you think we deserve their roof over our head if we live in their homes? Or maybe we should sleep in the garage? So pardon us if we blow up occasionally - we are only human!! So yes, it is all about US, trying to do our best for THEM, learning from eachother and the valuable resources provided by this website. You are not one of those valuable resources. Please go bark up another tree.
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Sorry, SA - I'm not into women (LOL) :))
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LMAO!!! XD I'm not either, Orange, but I think I love you... Bwhahahahhah!
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Its amazing how many people just don't get it. Even nurses. If you don't do this job 24/7..365 days a year..you have no business judging or telling people what they are doing is wrong or sub-par. I took my mom OUT of a NH. With their staff of 20 plus people per shift...they weren't doing THEIR jobs. I do mine. I suffer, I sacfice, I cry I laugh...I just get thru the day and do the best I can for her.
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Also..I don't think any one of us really wanted this job but what we do the best we can..and I'm sure we are doing it better than any facility.
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Wow 1Tommy - "you would feel the same way if u had an Elderly parent..in need of correct care." - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? Almost EVERYONE ON HERE is taking care of an elderly parent 24/7 and is heading towards burnout! DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT THE NAME OF THIS SITE IS?????? You need to get a clue before posting anymore "sound advice" because as I said before, your "advice" is judgemental, which does NOT help anyone.
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quote from Tommy:
"people that ARE NOT Trained to take care of people that are Elderly..need to stop
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT"

Are you for real? If this post is your idea of being supportive and helpful to overwhelmed caretakers, heaven protect us from NURSES like you..

Garza


"
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Pardon my sexist comment, but it seems the men on here are the ones that have no clue what 24/7 care of a parent means. WhiteKnight and Tommy1 are two of them. There must be more.
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They think they know it all, sound familiar? And want to tell everyone how to "fix" things.
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Kimmy, I can relate to your situation, but try to remember, you are not running for sainthood here, you are just trying to do your best in a difficult situation. I am fortunate, I guess, because my sibs and I take turns caring for our 90-year-old parents who suffer from a host of minor ailments - including dementia - that prevent them from being able to handle the basic tasks of everyday living. But even though we share this responsibility, each sib is at Mom & Dad's for several weeks at a time, and has 24/7 responsibility. We all know this could go on for YEARS, as longevity runs in our family.

But the caregiving responsibility can wear on you. You do the best you can, and yet somebody says it isn't enough. In our case, it's usually Mom who whines or criticizes. She frequently doesn't want to get out of bed, but instead wants to be waited on hand and foot. If we could somehow go to the bathroom for her, she would demand that too.

So I think each of us has our moments when she gets on our last nerve. I consider my visit a great success if I only yell at her once a week. Of course, when I get into it with Mom, then Dad feels the need to yell at ME for yelling at Mom. I've found in my case that it helps me hold my temper if, when she starts in complaining, I calmly suggest that if the accommodations here in her home are not to her liking, I would be happy to find a care facility staffed 24/7 with trained medical professionals who will come when summoned.

Mom also plays a game with home health care people who come in, telling them how awful her daughters are and how badly we treat her. The first few times this happened, I blew up at her right in front of the nurse. But then I realized that made me look really bad. So, once again, when she starts in with HHC workers I calmly tell her - in front of the nurse - that if life at home with her daughters is soooo bad, then perhaps the nice nurse can recommend a care facility where she will have trained medical professionals at her beck and call 24/7.

As for your sibs, since I don't know what their particular disabilities are, the only thing I can suggest is when they criticize you, just say, "Fine. I won't do the grocery shopping anymore. You can take care of that." Or leave the house and go to a movie, etc. Obviously you can leave them alone when you're at work, why not go out and play?

Don't kill yourself for your family members. Maybe it would be a good idea to go to your own doc and have a physical, telling him or her about all of this. My doc - after offering me a medal, prescribed a really good anti-depressant for me and it worked great the last time I was taking care of M&D.

Good luck, Kimmy. It seems that everyone on this site knows exactly what you're going through. We don't mind listening to you vent.
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orange, and the abuse we deal with may be infrequent from some of our parents, but there are many of us that in order to do this are subjected to financial abuse by siblings that only worry about what will be left for them when mom passes. They keep their lives, while many of us give up or lose everything.
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Got to stick up for the men. What about Eddie and the Captain? It's true that most caregivers are women, and we are expected to do it, but the men who are doing a good job understand and deserve as much praise as if they were women. Also, there are some women who get all high and mighty and judgy.
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There are men on here that do just as much, if not more, for their elders than us women do...they are just not as vocal as we are about it! ;) I've seen more judgy "advice" from women then men actually.
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Look, its appropriate to set firm limits and give firm directions when needed for safety, and your mom obviously is just not used to that. You were not wrong to "blow up" a little and make it clear that your patience is not endless. It should not have to be. The people you are caring for may have limitations, but they may be at least partially able to grasp that you are a person and not a doormat. I hope things start going better.
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I think maybe part of the problem here is that Tommy is a man, that explains 99.9% of his issue of understanding. And some day he just might, so until then he will wonder aimlessly around in his own world not knowing what reality most of you/us are dealing with. most men (not all) would rather not deal with any of these issues, let alone talk about it. so Tommy should just go back to his world of so-called nursing (I wonder what type of nurse)?
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1Tommy - please don't ever reply nor post anything to my wall again. You are very ignorant and arrogant and I don't appreciate that. Do it again and I will see what I need to do to get you off of this site.
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Omg. Tommy's avatar looks like Bronn from Game Of Thrones. If it is, it figures the one fan I find on here...well, forget it...

Kimmy... lmao...

Chill, Tommy...
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If you don't pay tommy any attention by answering him he will lose interest. Ignore him.
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Poor Toms...I sent you a hug, Tommy... :)
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Tommy, do you relate to Bronn? lol Well, hello. I'm Tyrion. I hope you feel me on that one! :D
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my mother wanted me with her because in her words, " i was sometimes gullible but i have a spine " . im sure women are great caregivers but the male carers are a growing number.
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Yes, indeed, Captain...I agree with you. My son Sean is awesome with my mom. There are men out there that are the compassionate, loving types. You're a warrior with honor, Cap, and so are all the other men out there that step up. :)
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