Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.
My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
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I will give you a lot of credit for trying very hard to not enable your mother's pain pill addiction. But then this woman you are trying to help and from whom you want acceptance and love blackmailed you and you gave her pain pills.
I give you gold stars for good intentions, and for effort. You are remarkable.
But in spite of your very real sacrifices this is not working out. It is time now to explore those other options and to make a drastic change. Your birth mother (she doesn't sound much like a Mom) needs to move out. It is your house. You make the rules about who lives there and who doesn't. Good bye, mother.
Call Social Services in your county. Explain that your indigent mother has been living with you, that it is not working out, and you need her to move out. Ask for their help in explaining to your mother what else is available to her. After a social worker has explained options to your mother, give her a certain limited time to make arrangements and move out.
She informed you that you "WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A JUDGE REMOVE HER FROM MY HOME" Well, if that's what she wants, that can be arranged, If necessary police can forcibly remove her from the house when you evict her. Let us hope it doesn't come to that, but make sure she knows that you know it is your house and that she has no right to stay there if you do not permit it.
This all may sound harsh. You are facing a harsh reality. I don't think you are going to solve it by asking "Please, mother, I think you'd better move out."
You tried to do the right thing for your mother. Gold stars to you. Now do the right thing for yourself, your husband, and your children.
Best wishes to you. Please let us know what you try and how things are working out.
I am sooooo glad you found this forum if that is what it took to help you feel empowered.
You know sometimes people on this site get great information, but never act on it. My hat is off to you both. You are a lovely family who has just truly realized that you are in control, not your mom.
Another good thing is that your grown children see that no one is obligated to be the victim of abuse. It's always good to be reminded of that. Your lunch and zoo trip sound like a celebration of life. There's more good life ahead of you.
Keep us posted. Love and Hugs, Cattails
Since you are on your way to removing her from the house, maybe it would save wear and tear on your nerves to just live with things as they are for a while. But disconnecting those services might encourage her to take seriously your resolve to evict her. If it makes her look at her options with the social worker, that would be a good result.
On the other hand, this might result in her saying, Oh, all right. I think it is very abusive and mean of you to expect your own mother to pay to stay in this house, if that's the way you're going to be, I'll pay the @#!* electric bill." Then you will need to accept the money gracefully AND NOT CHANGE YOUR STANCE about her living here. Hook up the services for the remaining time she is will you (and that she pays) but don't let her think that everything is swell.
Good luck!
I know this is very difficult, but you can have her legally evicted. Call adult services to help you find her a facilty to live in. She is abusing you and yours.
I went through a similar situation with my sister-in-law, who at the time was living with her dad. She, too, continued to smoke ( he is on 02 ), abuse prescription drugs and was the most toxic person I have ever met. We had to have her evicted and then eventually have a restraining/no contact order. It is sad when families have to go through this, but it had to be done.
Keep your chin up and enlist the help of the adult/ social services.
I guess this is what I would do. Give the visiting nurse a call and ask her if you can refer the CAS people to her for background and as a reference for you and your husband. If she has no problem with being involved, then fine. Go ahead and call the CAS, explain the problem and ask them if they would like to come out and meet you mom. Explain you are doing this because you want to avoid any potential misunderstandings.
Having said this, it's up to you really. Somehow, I don't think your mom will call them, but who knows. I don't think you have anything to lose by calling CAS, it's just a case of how much energy you want to put out.
On the other hand, it does make sense that since you are truly taking steps to get your mom out of the house, she may very well claim abuse to anyone she comes in contact with, so maybe it is wise to just take this step now and get it behind you.
Maybe Jeanniegibbs and others can give you their thoughts too. I'll keep my eye out for their posts as well. Hugs Cattails.
I'm not sure I understand the logic of you calling Crimes Against Seniors. Preemptive strike? If your mother calls they'll investigate and find no basis for the charge. If you call ... they aren't just going to take your word for it, are they? But you heard the nurse's reasonig and I didn't, so if it makes sense to you to call, I like cattail's suggestion of getting the nurse involved.
Presumably soon the social worker will come and you will all be that much closer to ending this season's episodes of As the World Turns Around Mother. I have no doubt she'll continuing producing the show from where ever she moves, but you won't be quite such a captive audience.
Don't you dare give her the upper hand on anything!
I loved Jeanne's comment about the show, "As the World Turns Around Mother." Yes, it's coming to a new theater, but it won't be in your living room. That venue has closed and is returning to it's prior life, the home of a loving family. YEAH!!!!!
God Bless you. I'm so happy for you. Cattails.