Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Petrasmall12

There are seven people living in the house and only you plus your mother are taking care of your mother are taking care of your grandmother? What is everyone else doing? Have you looked into your grandmother qualifying for medicaid and going to a nursing home that takes people on medicaid, even on medicaid pending?

Petra, perhaps God is waiting to see what you do?

NoTryDoYoda-
Including my grandmother but I’m the second oldest and I have 3 younger siblings. 2 are still in school and 1 is planning to move out. My Dad works, he helps though when he can. It’s just me and my mom a lot. As of right now my youngest sister (she’s 17) is homeschooled but soon she will start working so it will only be me and my mom again. That’s something we can consider doing though. My parents are getting older and I hate to see my dad work as hard as he do... I’m very thankful for the home we live in but it’s not the best and he’s always working on it. I just want them to live comfortably. With the strength and grace of God my parents took care of 5 kids and now there getting tired I can tell . So I will discuss some ways like home caregiver to my mom and see what she’s says. We actually had some at one point but they weren’t really taking good care of my grandmother. But whatever the lords will let it be done. Thank you much for the advice. I guess being here for so long I’m just worried to leave my parents alone when they can’t really do it themselves.

MargaretMcken-
I’ve thought about that.. and I prayed for a long time. I took steps of faith and tried very hard to find a job, even voluntary work but I never got it. Though taking care of my grandmother is tough it’s teaching me. Not just how to clean her but how to be patient, kind, and also to serve. I just trust and God and that’s why I’m still here, I’ve took many steps of faith but always ended back in the same place. I still apply for jobs, and even consider going to college but while I’m here I’m learning more about him. My life was change a year ago. He saved me. And I’m glad that I have this time to spend with him. I might not get a job or go to college right now but maybe it’s just for a season. I always try to think positive.. But sometimes I end up quite stress and sad so I just someone to talk to and each of you who replied are such a blessing because of your encouragement and concern for me and I’m so thankful to Jesus for that. I pray that he will continuously bless you with strength and whatever your needs are!

Petra,

Thanks for your open feedback. Since you are in Ohio, there may be an opportunity for you to take some courses online. I assume the oldest sibling is out of the house working somewhere? Does he or she ever come by and help or have they just flown away like a bird from the nest?

You speak of your parents getting older. Unless your older sibling is many years older than you, this would make your parents in their mid 40's to early 50's. That's not old. Please don't let that hold you back. I didn't think of my parents as old until they got into their 80's and 90's with dementia. Now that's old.

Thanks for your prayers for us. We continue to be concerned about you, your grandmother, your mother, and the rest of your family. BTW, I'm only 63 and don't see myself as old. Love and prayers.

Hi all!!

I hope all is well.

Petra- you have such a good attitude and I can see your faith in your words. Since you have such trust in the Lord, just continue growing in HIM. When the time comes for you to move( ie, go to school, get a job, whatever it be), HE will move you and you won't even have to think about it.
While you are growing close to HIM. Continue applying for jobs and just do some research on schools that offer online classes, or even schools close to you. Just check things out. But, your faith in HIM will move you when you are to move. Right now HE may have you where you are to grow you, and once you are ready to produce fruit HE will guide you in the path you are to go.
That is what faith is, right? Trusting and believing that all things will work together for your good if you love HIM.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

I know that we are only human, and we get stressed and anxious. But remember to cast all that on HIM. Your labor does not go unnoticed by our Lord. And it is not in vain. Do all that you do as if you do it for Jesus. To bring HIM glory, in your actions of love.

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."
1 Peter 5:6-7

You are in my prayers.

My heart goes out to you. I hear your pain and your desire to know the truth of God's Word concerning your situation. My situation is similar. My husband has had dementia for the past 6 years or so and I took care of him as he began to lose more and more of his independence. Last year he had a 20 min seizure which exacerbated his symptoms drastically & he began to exhibit extreme paranoia, wandering outside of the house, as well as other bizarre behaviours. The worst of it was that he kept me up most of the night, every night. I didn't get a solid nights sleep for 6 months. I kept faithfully praying to God for solutions for both of us & it soon became apparent that I needed to place him in memory care not only for my sake, health and well-being, but for him as well. He needed caregivers round the clock who understood his dementia. The bible teaches that you can't give out of your own need & that's what I had been doing. everyone counts as one. I had reached the point where my own health was at risk, I was almost bankrupt, emotionally drained and burned out. It is not God's will for us to live this way, but to live as John 10:10 says, a life of abundance, peace, love, joy, etc. I realized that I have a savior and so does my husband, but it wasn't me. I had to rely on the Lord to take care of us both and He did. I have no regrets & sacrificed a lot to take care of my beloved, but when it became too much for me, God made a way for both my husband and me to get our needs met. May God bless you & guide you as well😊

Petra,

God is faithful. He never lies or lets us down. He is never early nor is He ever late. He is always on time.

I went for years without a job and I really thought I would never find one. I even went back to school and still couldn't get a job. I prayed, studying and told God "Well if YOU want me to work then I will, it is in YOUR hands." Well, I did what Smeshque is telling you to do and I got a part-time temporary job, which turned out to be a great job and I am going back to it in August. Granted I only work part of the year and I know this job is not permanent, but I know it is just a stepping stone for something else HE wants me to do. Just keep doing what you can and God will take care of the rest.

I really think HE puts us in time-out, not because we were bad, but because He is just trying to grow us and get us into a position where He can do things through us!🙏

Hugs!!

I just want to thank everyone who has replied to my comment! It truly brought me to tears to see so many who took their time out to encourage me and I’m so thankful to Jesus Christ that there are still people out there who really care ! I love each and everyone one of you and I’m praying that Jesus will bless you for being lights of this world and for helping people who are in need. Thank you so much!

How is everyone?
I miss you all.
It just seems in this season of life I have not had the time I did, so that I can visit with you all. I sure miss that.
But I pray for you all daily and hopefully I will have more time, maybe in the winter, with less laboring to do.

AB has been doing PT, for his shoulder. He has been doing well. We finally got him active again after months of thinking he could not do anything. But I am glad to see him active again and now driving himself again.

Mom had an ultrasound on her liver yesterday and some blood work. Thank the Lord, HE sure takes care of that woman. Her liver is great and her blood work was great.
Hallelujah!

I haven't been working since May. And I definitely know I am a better person when I am not here 24/7. I haven't really been seeking work. I am considering going back to school again, while everything is well. I am torn between two things. i will let you all know what I decide, or if I decide. I am waiting on the Lord.

Just been doing lots of yard work, farm work and harvesting. Been making a lot of different infused honeys.

Lord willing I will be back. You all take care of yourself, and most importantly, Love JESUS. Because HE certainly loves you.

Psalms 37:5
Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

I was asked a question recently and so I am addressing the question.
Yes, i have had my share of struggle with bitterness and resentment. To the point where you just want to run away from it all. This was more so in the beginning of my care giving journey. I hated that my life was changing and I hated giving up my freedoms I once new, and I just hated that I could not do what I wanted to do. I was pretty bitter. Especially since my siblings had no part nor lot in caregiving and it was left to me, well not left to me, I chose it, well I did not choose it, the Lord placed me in the position and I then chose to do it.
I prayed and cried so much. I hated myself for having the ugly feelings I was having. I was soooo depressed. The Lord led me to AC and it helped somewhat to hear from people similar struggles and to read of people in worse situations. It helped having support from those who knew what I was going through. I thank them all for their part in that.
But, my true help came from above. God heard my cries and pleas and in my misery HE taught me some things. I am not an eloquent speaker, so I will try and explain what I learned.
I learned I as a human being was truly a selfish person. That my concern was only about my happiness, and not those I was caring for that did not ask to be in their situation, nor would they want to burden me with having to care for them.
I learned quickly that life was not about me, nor my goals and dreams, and wishes. Life is about Jesus Christ and bringing HIM glory and being obedient to God.
I learned how we are to be like Jesus. Now I know lots of people will have something to say about this, but truth is truth. Jesus sacrificed HIS life for us. He left HIS home on paradise to come to this earth and die a cruel death, for me, for you.
So what does that tell me about Jesus. He was sacrificial. In order to be sacrificial one must love. And there is no greater love than a man laying down his life for another.
This is what stays in my heart.
So what a small thing it is for me to be asked to set aside my life for another. To sacrifice my life that I once had, to help someone else. That did not mean I did not need to refresh myself, to do something I enjoy. Quite the opposite. In order for me to do that well, I needed to be refreshed, I needed a respite, I needed to do something I cared about and enjoyed. Because when I am refreshed, when I take care of myself first, i am then able to provide better care and more love to another.
Taking care of myself allows those awful feelings I once had to flee.
It has been almost 6 years now, I believe, and I would not trade what I have done in these years for anything. I have been blessed to learn many things spiritually.
But caregiving is a choice not to be taken lightly, one must truly decide if they will sacrifice their life they have, to provide care for another, changing their whole life.
But, you must take care of yourself first, not selfishly, not abandoning the task at hand, but time here and there thats just for you, just for God, just for Jesus.
I am so glad Jesus did not say, I don't think I want to change my current situation and die on a cross.

I hope this answer was helpful.

Much love and prayers for all of you.

Smeshque, I wish I could feel as you do. You say, 'What a small thing it is to be asked to set aside my life for another', but I'm afraid I can't apply this to my own situation, forced without being asked into acting as carer for a narcissistic mother who never nurtured me. We would gladly do quite a lot for her, but it is so demoralizing when she finds fault with almost everything anyone does for her. She is probably depressed but rejects all attempts to get help for her.

I have children and grandchildren, a job and a church community that all need my commitment too. Does the Lord really want me to abandon all of those in an ultimately futile attempt to do everything for someone who, sadly, does not know how to be happy?

I don't see this as being about 'my dreams and wishes' but about my mental and emotional survival. I do try to show Jesus's love to my mother, hard though it is, but I don't see the virtue of letting her wreck my life. Who will that help?

Smeshque, I hear you, but I just don't see it. If we are to love others to the point where we lay down our lives for them, does that mean letting them destroy the very self that God made us as? Does that mean that victims of abuse should not leave? Helping people is one thing, but killing yourself doing it is another. I may be wrong, but this just doesn't sit well with me.

We sing...
As we worship You
Let all the world come and see
How the mercy we've received from You can set them free
And as we worship You
Let all this joy that fills our hearts
Bring a hunger and a hope to those who've strayed so far
As we bow in adoration and stand in reverent awe
Show Your majesty and glory, let Your anointing fall
As we declare Your name Lord Jesus, as the only name who saves
May the power of Your salvation fill each heart we pray
As we worship You
Let all the nations hear our song
Song of Jesus and his blood that proved His love for all
As we worship You
May all the lost and broken come
May they hear Your still small voice call out their names each one
As we bow in adoration and stand in reverent awe
Show Your majesty and glory, let Your anointing fall
As we declare Your name Lord Jesus, as the only name who saves
May the power of Your salvation fill each heart we pray
As we worship You Lord
As we worship You
Let all the world come and see
How the mercy we received from You can set them free
And as we worship You
Let all this joy that fills our hearts
Bring a hunger and a hope to those who strayed so far
As we bow in adoration and stand in reverent awe
Show Your majesty and glory, let Your anointing fall
As we declare your name Lord Jesus, as the only name who saves
May the power of Your salvation, fill each heart we pray
As we worship You (oh yes we worship)
As we worship You (fill our hearts, Lord)
As we worship You (we lift our hands and we worship you, Lord)
As we worship You (sweet Lord Jesus)
As we worship You (come and fill our house with Your glory)
As we worship You (oh we welcome You here)
As we worship You (oh yes, worthy King of Kings)
As we worship You (as we bow)
As we bow in adoration and stand in reverent awe
Show Your majesty and glory, let Your anointing fall (right now)
As we declare Your name Lord Jesus, as the only name who saves
May the power of Your salvation, fill each heart we pray
As we worship You
As we worship You
As we worship You (oh Lord)
As we worship You (let Your anointing fall)
As we worship You (right where you are)
(Lift your hands and begin to worship)
As we worship You (let Your glory fall)
As we worship You (let Your spirit come on in)
As we worship You (fill our hearts)
As we worship You
Oh we welcome You here
We worship You Lord, oh yes
Oh we worship You Lord, oh
(Oh we worship, we worship)
Oh yes we do
(We give You praise)
Oh we worship You Lord (we give You praise)
Oh we worship You Lord
Let Your glory flow as we worship
We worship You lord (send Your spirit Lord)
As we worship You Lord
As we worship You Lord
As we worship You Lord
As we worship You

Don Moen

Enoch pleased God because of his relationship with God, and the Lord said, “Enoch, this is what pleases Me most. Let's walk into eternity together.” What's interesting is that this is exactly what the Lord said about His Son, Jesus.

It is about a relationship, not about trying harder.

Hello. I know this thread has been going a long while but I have just tuned in Aug 1 with that eloquent description of caregiving from Smeshque.

I try to be a practical person. So I saw it was not practical to give up my job to care for my sister. My Husband, children & I would suffer the financial fallout. Same deal with aging parents. Especially as DH now lost his job due to Covid.

My Father has strong faith & puts others first. He has not yet recovered from an operation but is bringing Mother home from a stint in a NH early (due to Covid risk). I certainly understand. I suggested getting extra home help instead.

Mother is already busy trying to cancel this extra help, plus cancel the help they already have. I am trying to get him to see that BOTH their needs are important. That even if he still prioritises her needs over his, there is a big difference between her *needs* & her *wants/wishes/whims*.

He is a competent adult to decide but many people (inside & outside the family) are concerned he will burn out.

Suggestions on how to broach this with him?

Beatty- I learned a long time ago. That our parents are going to do what they choose, they like us do not want to be told what to do. Sometimes as much as it hurts we have to just let the chips fall. Even though we may be the one cleaning things up. Personally I want/wanted my parents to be able to make their own choices as long as possible, even if I did not agree. If they do not make the choices we wish they would, it will not work out well if we try and force them.Pray a lot, God will help. If your parents are people of faith, God is watching out for them more than we can.

Just for those who did not understand my last post. I might have not made it very clear, but I did say you must take care of yourself first in order to be any good to anyone else.

I hope all of you are well and taking care of yourselves, and loving the Lord.
Especially in these times it it so important to love HIM.
All is well here on the homestead. We have gone into the goat venture. Nigerian Dwarf goats. They are super.
Mom is well, and AB is doing much better since his surgery.

The Lord has been good to us, so much more than we deserve.

“Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:”
Isaiah 55:6

Yes, Smeshque, you are right about this verse:
“Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:”
Isaiah 55:6

Bed side vigil.
From a distance.
It could be today.

Lamentations 3:31–33

 For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever
 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love
 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone

His compassions are new every morning.

God always wins anyway, no matter what the struggle looks like.

Ephesians 6:12
New American Standard Bible

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

He said love our neighbors as ourselves. Ourselves first. You cannot give unless you have something to give. We cannot give up self unless we have a self to give up. We don't not mourn. Of course, we mourn the loss of ourselves, the loss of the loved one we care about. Yes, we mourn.

But... you knew there had to be a but...right? But even HE retreated to the mountains, to the garden, to be alone to ask for this to be taken away. He would always add, "If it be Thy will."

You seek and you have found a like-minded soul who understands. Joy and a sort of peace follow understanding that as we do it unto the least, we do it unto HIM. Slow down. Read deeply. Let it speak to you in the silence.

Good evening everyone,
I hope you all are well.
It has been a roller coaster ride around here to say the least.

So I started back to school two weeks ago. The first time in my life I was in school and everyone has a mask on. It is so different that's for sure.

We have gotten into the goat business. Im going to sell goats milk, chesses and soaps, Lord willing.
Friday I didn't have any classes so we went out of state to pick up a buck to freshen our girls. He sure is stinky, which is why we don't want to keep a buck, just rent one. We have one little guy but DH banded him, so he will be a wethered goat and not stinky or a nuisance to the girls. I am ever so excited about this goat journey, i have always wanted to do this. We are doing Nigerian Dwarf goats.

Anyway, all is well here. Mom's birthday is this week, so I've got many gifts to be delivered throughout the week. And then we will do a road trip.
Ab's dog was hit by a car, which provoked the beginning of the goats. Because I wanted him to have some animals around he could pet and watch and just kinda hang out with when he missed his boy. He quite enjoys them and even bought a couple to add to the group.
He is doing well, minus the grieving of his dog, which is quite understandable.

Well anyway, i just wanted to check in, and tell you all I love you. I think about you daily and keep you all in my prayers.

Time is quite a treasure which I seem to lack. I stop in when I can, don't always have time to post. But I will be back again.

Take care you all, know you are loved and cared about.


“The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.”
Proverbs 11:30

smeshque - good to hear from you and that you're starting a goat business and going back to school. Oh boy! That's exciting and busy for sure. You must have tons of energy.

School started here, too, and because I homeschool my kids, that means things get busy for me also. Summer flew by. In fact, the whole 2020 is flying by. I hope 2021 has better things in store for everyone.

You may rest a while if the going be tough,
Take a breath when the terrain is rough;
Let the oars have a respite
And rower some viands bite.

But the journey must anon continue,
For time tells motions of the brave
(According to the lores heavens gave) ,
Shall all forever subdue the earth;
And man's toil shall win him mirth.

Pull your ear from naysayers' sigh
That affirms that yes they can't;
Keep the company of them that try;
Dwell in the fold of sons of hope.

Remember it's no crime to slip a cry
If bristles of fate prick your heart;
Allow a tear if the pain be too much,
But in all this remember this part:
You must always keep on keeping on!

Nothing has ever successfully stood
In the bold path of a determined man,
Who keeps walking despite the mood.
The world lacks case of one who tried,
And was the object of his toil denied!

Give ear all that hear the spoken word,
For none like this has ever been heard.
The esoteric code that rules the world:
That you'll have to keep on keeping on!

Hannington Mumo


Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 15:58

Please pray for my God-sister who has been shut up at home with her greatly disabled husband who is on oxygen and can barely get around. She has hired help to come in two days a week so that she can work at work. She has many wonderful friends and many family members are near by. The other five days, she works from home and takes care of her husband. I am thinking that I need to call her on her smartphone for she is not on Facebook for a good while.

I think I know where she is for I've been there myself. You reach a point where you are so busy that you are not aware that you are burning out while you are burning out which leads to a collapse. I feel a bit helpless to help her directly being a 14 hour drive from her which I could make in one day if I thought it would really do some good.

I got this update from her sister that I'm good friends with an chat a lot on Facebook with. All of my 50+ cousins in Ohio are wonderful people. My dad had me with them so much while I was very young and down through the years plus stayed in their homes like at Jackie's, that many of us feel more like siblings than just cousins. In fact, Jackie has told me that she loves me as a brother.

Ok, I'll calm down in a bit, but thanks for your prayers and for listening.

Thanks for your prayers! I contacted my God-sister today. She told me that her depression is getting worse. Her basically disabled husband has been on oxygen from even before the Pandemic due to cancer treatment ruinning his immune system. She say that some days he's better than other days, he's worse.

I asked her to tell me honestly, how are you doing way down in your gut? She said that this is really getting to her. She needs more meds and sees the need for more help as well as for her to get help from a therapist. I appreciate her emotional honesty and the wisdom she has to see what needs to be done next. I told her that I had contacted her today for I was feeling deeply concerned about her. She thanked me for my prayers and support to which I responded thanks, but that's what God-brothers are to do. Like I said last night, if I thought my driving up there would actually help, I would, but I can help her here by keeping in touch with her. I try to listen to my own gut as to when it might be time to check in on someone. Earlier this year, my sister in law needed some support and now things are much smoother. She said she was glad that someone cared that much about her. Well, that's what a good BIL does. Good night.

Smeshque: That's truly lovely, dear lady. You are such a blessing.

NoTryDoYoda: I see that I was late to pray, sir. I offer you prayers nonetheless. I am glad for the positive contact that you offered to your God sister.
For I, too, burned out when I had to live out of state with my mother. That was EXTREMELY difficult. Not to turn the topic to myself at all; just to let you know that there are others who have been done that caregiving road, which as you may know is not easy.

The "secular world" says take care of yourself so you can better take care of others. Read your own words. You're struggling. The power of prayer is strong, but the power of self-care is equally strong, for it allows you to keep your sanity while you keep your faith. Find someone of faith who can give you a break and allow you to reclaim your health and your spirit.