I've only been dealing with caretaking for about a year, prior to that my parents were fairly self sufficient and my stepdad handled my Mom's dementia. Six months ago I helped them move into AL, even though they aren't actually using any of the AL services, instead they had a separate caregiver company helping out. Stepdad's congestive heart failure won the battle and he passed away three days ago (peacefully, in his sleep while my Mom was sitting by his side). Her dementia has progressed with all the changes, and recently I posted a question about her new symptom, aggression and anger. I am going to pack up her things and bring her home with me (they never would move to my town and live over 1400 miles away). Hubby and I are going to try having her live at home with us at first because I believe she has the best chance to be content and regain some equalibrium surrounded by family. (she hates the AL community she is in right now) There are only a handful of people she remains calm around, sometimes a caretaker is OK, but mainly it's me and a few long-time friends....and I'm getting ready to move her away from her long-time friends. I am terrified that I won't have the patience needed. I want to get her set up on a schedule so she can do the things she enjoys, and I hope that she will accept care givers as part of our routine because I will need to have some time away. There are no siblings. Now I'm rambling...I guess I just need some words of encouragement. I'm NOT going to give up my life completely and I still have kids at home, work etc..., but I AM going to do what I can within reason to take good care of Mom.
Mom's not happy at her current AL, she won't be happy at AL near you, and she won't be happy in your home. She might be happy if you could make it 1985 again. Or reverse her dementia. But you can't.
Visit AL and memory care residences near you. Move mom within visiting distance, for sure. As for the best care possible -- that happens in a dedicated setting where a team of experts (three rotating shifts) do what they do best. Your role is to visit, to oversee, to partner with the staff & administration, to question and to care.
In short, you get to be mom's daughter. Not her lackey. Not her entertaimnent coordinator. Not her unlicensed nurse. Her daughter.
And you go home to a place that is separate from The World Of Mom. This is crucial. You need that delineation. Your husband and kids needs it, too.
Elder care is stressful and consuming. It can kill the caregiver's marriage....career....physical health....mental health. Even the most even-keel parents take on narcissistic and uncooperative tendencies in old age. Add the one-way slide of dementia, and the situation veers toward impossible.
Read people's stories on this forum. A million tales of parent care that started with good intentions. And slipped into an alternate universe of entrapment, frustration, financial instability and ruined marriages.
And I'll say this as nicely as I can, but your husband isn't as "into this" as you think he is. The day mom moves in, he becomes a third wheel. Give the poor guy the place in your life he deserves. Give your children your full attention. You can't get these years back.
You clearly love mom and want what's best for her. There are ways to do this without immolating yourself. If you become a stressed-out stranger to your husband and children, nobody wins. This forum is an excellent resource. Good luck to you.
You have children still at home this will be a huge disruption to their lives as well. If you want to move mom closer to make it easier for you to care for her, then find a memory care facility to move her to. Each move with someone with dementia often causes a sudden and drastic decline. What you see in her now is not what you will see after you move her. There will be more agitation and acting out. Do not bring her into you home, let the pros deal with her if you must have her move.
The fact that Mum is exhibiting anger and violence indicated that her dementia is fairly advanced and her next move should be to memory care.
The death of your stepdad will make a huge difference in her symptoms and behavior This does not relate to the normal grieving process but to the fact that he has been keeping the household running smoothly.
You also have children still at home and mum's presence will cause a lot of disruption in their lives. If she is becoming violent she may also pose a physical threat to young children. However loving a grandma she may have been in the past she may not recognize them as her own and just lash out in any direction.
Because she has been unhappy in her AL does not mean that taking her into a loving but strange (to her) home probably won't satisfy her and increase her confusion. In the AL she has had familiar belongings but in your home even if you bring some things for her room ,everything down to the bathroom will be strange.
To me and this is just my opinion would be to leave in in the AL as long as possible with time to grieve her loss and when she becomes unmanageable move her to memory care. If she does not settle there that will be theme to find a facility closer to your home and move her there. Sorry to be so negative but i have no encouragement for your plans
There are folks that do this successfully but for so many people it quickly becomes a nightmare. Hopefully you'll get some more comments from folks that have done this.
ANYWAY......a huge life change for you and your mom. The move itself is going to be very difficult on her and will affect her dementia. She'll need a considerable amount of time to get acclimated, if she ever does, and while I think you're a very devoted daughter to want to try this please don't set your expectations too high.
OK....I'm going to push send now!
I don't have any words of encouragement, what you're doing is a huge life change for you and for your mom.
I don't have any words of encouragement