I've only been dealing with caretaking for about a year, prior to that my parents were fairly self sufficient and my stepdad handled my Mom's dementia. Six months ago I helped them move into AL, even though they aren't actually using any of the AL services, instead they had a separate caregiver company helping out. Stepdad's congestive heart failure won the battle and he passed away three days ago (peacefully, in his sleep while my Mom was sitting by his side). Her dementia has progressed with all the changes, and recently I posted a question about her new symptom, aggression and anger. I am going to pack up her things and bring her home with me (they never would move to my town and live over 1400 miles away). Hubby and I are going to try having her live at home with us at first because I believe she has the best chance to be content and regain some equalibrium surrounded by family. (she hates the AL community she is in right now) There are only a handful of people she remains calm around, sometimes a caretaker is OK, but mainly it's me and a few long-time friends....and I'm getting ready to move her away from her long-time friends. I am terrified that I won't have the patience needed. I want to get her set up on a schedule so she can do the things she enjoys, and I hope that she will accept care givers as part of our routine because I will need to have some time away. There are no siblings. Now I'm rambling...I guess I just need some words of encouragement. I'm NOT going to give up my life completely and I still have kids at home, work etc..., but I AM going to do what I can within reason to take good care of Mom.
On the flip side, it also makes my decision harder. I have found a very nice memory care facility five minutes away, and I am planning to place her there at the end of June after we go out of town to bury stepdad. When we get back to town directly from the airport, I was going to have someone else who she knows fairly well (my stepmom) take her to the memory care and I am going to make up some excuse as to why I need to go elsewhere. Like business trip. Most likely Mom will be very disoriented anyway, and she might not even recall living in my home for a month and a half.
I know this decision is best for my husband and children, but I am STRUGGLING with guilt. Especially since the last few days Mom has been thanking me for taking her in and being very appreciative and humble.
How do I deal with the guilt?
Then also ask yourself, would she want you to sacrifice your life to care for her. She may be one of those the would never want you to give up so much. My mom is one of those and heard many times when I was younger that she never wanted any of us to care for her. But, it happened anyway. For me, it was not guilt that took me there, nor did I experience any guilt when POA made the decision to move her to a memory care facility.
Do what you know is best for you, and the care she will receive is also the best for her.