Bathing the Elderly

I'd say about now....

I'm so glad to find this site. It has helped some just knowing that I"m not alone dealing with an aging Mother. She is 90 and lives in a senior apartment complex that has some assistance, not assisted living. She has not been bathing as much as she should and yes she does stink once in a while. I "think" she is lying to me about taking a bath. I've been checking to see if her towels are left out. Tonight she said she had already put them in the dirty clothes basket. She's also been wearing the same clothes day in and day out. I've been doing her laundry for the past several weeks because she never finds the time! Last week I had to go through her closet and literally smelled her clothing to see if it needed washing as she hangs everything back up after wearing it!

It's getting exhausting! She's has dementia caused mostly by TIA's according to the Dr. Just trying to figure out when I need to start having Home Health Care start coming in. I don't think she is ready for Assisted Living yet at this point!

Mary

My mom does not think she smells even though she pees right into her shoes. She does not think she is incontinent. She does not think ANYTHING is wrong with her. She can walk on water, fly a plane, live alone, cook, clean, and she literally cannot get out of a chair without help!
Maybe some FEBREZE for the elderly is a new product we can invent! Just spray and go......You all think I am being mean, but you need a sense of humor to get through this period.
Hell, I would be happy if she raised her armpit so we can get the deodorant on.
I already posted on another thread that she eats her own feces. Washing her hands is something I INSIST on...her finger nails are always BROWN...YUK!
Why do they do this? The brain is a very weird organ....

Barby, I was afraid that I would have the same problem with my mother. I bought a Toto Washlet to put on the toilet. When my mother was sitting, I could push a button and a wand would come out and squirt warm water on her bottom. This was done a couple of times a day. I would help her wash with a washcloth and soap while the washlet washed her bottom. She had no odor ever. The washlet is a little pricey but I thought it was worth the money. It sets on top of the toilet and must have an electric outlet close by. It also has to be hooked up to the water supply. It is portable. If you are interested, you can check on line for the Toto Washlet. There maybe other models that are less expensive now. Hopefully this will help you see another way of cleaning your mom without stress.

My mom is 97 and lives in a retirement home. She does not bath or shower but stands by the sink and bathes with a washcloth and soap and towel. She has a foul smell covered up with body lotions and creams. She seems scared of water and won't discuss it. It has been that way for many years.

We contacted a home care agency and got a "Bath Lady" who comes twice a week. This also has helped her with her oral hygiene. They respond better if it's a 'professional' and not you.

Belindaow.....are you taking care of my mil? They sound identical so I know what you are going through....except I don't get the help from my husband......I just get the "you are an angel and thank you for taking care of mom".....:)

Thanks Punkersad. I will check into those books. Belindaow, does your mother-in-law like dressing up? I can get my mother to cooperate by showing her sparkly clothes to put on and the perfume bottle. Even though I am allergic to perfume, when the going gets rough, I pull out the big guns, the perfume bottle! I also have some glittery jewelry to wear when she is clean(changed underwear and a quick wash.) What use to work with my daughter when she was very little, now works with my mother. I also notice that when I am all smiles, her attitude improves greatly.

Right there with ya! Don't have answers. My husband mostly tries to be calmer with her (his mom) which is like pandering to a temper tantrum with a 2 year old. He can say the same things I just said and she scoffs at me. I am the bad guy. Telling her she stinks about bathing or changing her depends doesn't help because she thinks we are lying to her. She can't smell and fights with me over horrible depends and sometimes will feel them all over while telling me they are dry and then doesn't want to wash her hands. YUK!!! She forgets by morning what happened but still holds a grudge about something she can't put her finger on. Ha!! If you figure it out - sell it and you'll make a mint because nothing I've tried works. A new therapautic trick has been to leave the TV on very loud until she changes or even puts on a depends (she has refused to even do that) and then I have a horrible mess!! I know this sounds cruel but I can't change the sheets every day, wash and mop and bath her because she is being difficult. There are only so many hours in a day and she fights with every task!! Your ideas sound good to me but logic isn't their thing I have discovered!! Good luck and God Bless!

If you mother cannot get into the bathroom check out "Quick tips for Caregivers" and "The comforts of home." They are very good books that can help you with day to day stuff. They tell you how to do bedbaths and to put on diapers and how to check for bedsores and all kinds of things. They are very good and have helped me move my dad --about 6.5 -i am 5 ft and my mom who is only 4.9 but who is real dead weight when I try to move her. I cant tell you how many injuries that those two books have protecte me and them from. I couldnt find any videos but these books were good.

My mom sits on the toilet on a towel while I bathe her, only standing up so that I can take off her Depends and wash her bottom. We don't have the bidet attachment but that does sound like it would be handy. For now, it works fine. Mom is definitely mobile and can get around the house just fine at this point but I wondering the same things you are. I don't know what it will be like when she is stuck in bed and I have to wash her there and change diapers. Sometimes though, I can honestly say I wish she was there already!

Don't get me wrong, I know that it's much easier having her mobile for bathing and toileting but even though we have her limited to the one floor of the house (we have a bi-level), it's amazing what she can get into. At night we have a half door that keeps her from getting anywhere but her bedroom and the bathroom. Otherwise we wouldn't sleep at all!

I'm hoping when the time comes that our Visiting Angel will be able to teach me how to do it all properly.

I am wondering the same thing, JollyJ. How is it going to work bathing my almost 99 year old mother in her bed? She is barely able to make it to the bathroom with help for the bi weekly sponge bath now. She has, what I call valleys and peaks each week on how much she can do and how hard it is to get her up to go into the bathroom. She is very cooperative on getting sponge baths while sitting on the bidet toilet. I worry about the time she won't be able to make it to the bathroom. I wonder if there is a video of bathing someone on the bed. The other thing I wonder about is changing diapers in bed. I tried once while my mother was having a bad time and felt that she could not get up. Three ripped diapers later, I taped one together. Luckily she could get up the next morning.

Christina, I think I come by my "jolly" naturally. Daddy, who died of Alzheimer's in 1988 at the age of 71, was known for his "Never Worry" motto. I really have to try hard to come up with even one instance of him being angry - at least until the AD was in full swing. Mom was also a pretty happy sort. There is only one time in my life that I ever saw a tear in her eye - she just wasn't the emotional type. Her motto was that no one should ever be bored because there was always something to do whether it be work or play.

Neither Daddy or Mom took any medications for the majority of their lives and both had excellent health - to this day the doctors are amazed by Mom's blood pressure and the same was true for Daddy.

Early on with the AD, they gave Daddy some Haldol (?) but that didn't seem to do anything. That was back when they still didn't know a lot about AD and there weren't many drugs available. When Daddy checked himself into the hospital for tests at the age of 69, he forgot why he was there and broke a gerichair trying to get out. They gave him a normal sedative for a man his size and weight and it knocked him out for 3 days. They did nothing wrong in giving him the dose and none of us could have foreseen the outcome. He never went home again, never walked again, had to be taught how to chew and swallow again, etc. For two years he was in bed/gerichair in the NH until he died. He would spend his day in bed commanding ship (he was in the Navy in WWII) or teaching class (teacher for 35 years).

Mom, born a month after Daddy, is soon to be 95. She has never taken any medication on a regular basis and I only give her Tylenol every once in awhile when she complains of pain and only then when it impacts her sleeping. She has never been actually tested but the doctors have all said she has dementia and, having been through it with Daddy, it's very obvious. Could be AD, could be dementia but I'm sure it's not any of the specific dementias that I have read about. She has been progressing through it for many years now - probably more than 10 - and until last May, lived with my oldest brother. She got into a lot of bad habits living there while the dementia progressed but I don't fault my brother. He lost his wife to cancer in 2003 so she wasn't there to watch over things and he, like the rest of my siblings, won't stand up to Mom like I will. So there was no bathing, no hair washing, her feet were a mess, etc. My brother figured everything was okay as long as she was getting up and making her meals every day. That's a story in itself.

Since she has been with me we are in a regular routine of bathing and hair washing - although once a week at this point and that is enough or my smell sensitive husband would say something. :) I take care of her Depends (she is not incontinent but she can go to the toilet 10 times in a hour after meals) and her feet on a daily basis (lotion, fresh socks, corn pads) and she sees a podiatrist every 10 weeks to cut her toenails. I manicure her nails and cut her hair on a regular basis too.

I raised a daughter with epilepsy so learned years ago the effects drugs can have, both good and bad. I was happy that I didn't realize she was having seizures until she was 10 so I knew who my little girl was and when the drugs changed her disposition, I could tell right away. It took me awhile to learn that it was okay to tell the doctor we didn't like a particular drug and that quality of life was most important but it was a lesson learned through lots of bad experiences. Today she is a happy wife and mother of 2 but she still deals with seizures - in fact she spent yesterday on the couch having small ones and her husband told her that since the kids were in school and she was at work, she had to stay on the couch in case she had a grand mal.

So, I don't know what the meds would do for Mom or what they might have done had they been started years ago. I know that overall, she has been happy and healthy without them. I can see some depression in her from time to time now but it really seems to be caused more by her age and inability to do the things she used to do. She is limited only by abilities her body and mind have lost so we do what we can to keep her happy. She really likes folding towels!!

Hugs back to you and all the other wonderful caregivers here!

So, Jolly--and as your name suggests, I'l bet you do not complain as much as the rest of us do-- how is it that your Mother does not take any meds? Does she have Alz. or dementia? I do not take anything except wine with my whine.
HOWEVER, other people got to my Mother before I did, and it is hard to undo what is a habit. Like complaining. She is on the Exelon patch, 9.5, and Seroquel. Last night she had enough for a good sleep, but was awake until 1 am, as I mentioned on the Gross thread. How would NO meds like those effect her "imagination"? Doctor already took her off Detrol (see article on this site). She does have kidney failure (93 year old kidneys) and pees a lot, gets lots of UTIs. Going to the bathroom is our most frequent daily event.
I have recently found a doctor for Mother who is certified in geriatric psychiatry. If they do not specialize in things geriatric, I have found they are not as helpful, and I am often more aware of certain aspects of caring for elderly dementia that they.
More about bathing. One good thing about Mother's behavior is that she was always very clean about her person, and she is still quite reasonable about it. The doctor said don't give her a shower every day, and we keep it to about every other day, but we use body moisturizer like it is going out of style. I keep her hair short and tousled--very cute and not old-ladyish at all!
Another thing--she gets sebaceous keratoma on the backs of her hand and some places on her face. We treat them with Effudex ( flourouracil) 2x a day, and off to dermatologist to freeze if they are stubborn.
Hope to her from you all about your experience with and without meds for Dementia/Alzheimer's, and all things bathing.
Love and Hugs, christina

I know what you mean about the sweathog, Jam! I don't have a towel warmer but I tried putting a heater in the bathroom to warm it up and Mom complained about it. So no warm towels and no heater and the thermostat is set at 72 but I still get hot. It can be 0 outside and I'll still be wearing a tank top on bath day!

I ALWAYS use a towel warmer in my own bathroom.....offered to get the col one and she turned me down cold.....so that is why I turn the thermostat to 78 degrees and myself into a sweathog on bath today....:)

Thank you, thank you all for the info! I do understand the frustrations because I have them here to and I do get a laugh at some of the descriptive terms used. :) I struggle when someone vents so vehemently - probably because I'm such a positive person in general that I just don't feel good going there. I would rather see it here on a venting thread so that those feelings can get out rather than held in.

Christina28, I have detailed instructions also - thank you, because now I don't feel quite so anal! :) Our Visiting Angel wanted the instructions so that she could do the bathing as closely to my process as possible. She's been bathing folks for many years and since my mom has been doing sponge baths for years now, that makes it a lot easier than the shower/tub situation. Now that I do the bathing, I continued the sponge bath for the same reason.

I wasn't there so I don't know what Mom would have liked better about the way I do it but if anything, it might have been the difference in stature and physical build that caused a difference. Our VA could have followed the process exactly and it still would have been different because I'm taller and do some of the things from the floor rather than standing. It's easier on both Mom and me when I do that but I'm thinking it would be more difficult for the VA to do it from the floor. Good news was that Mom didn't complain at the time, just told me after I did it this week that she liked the way I did it better.

It took a while for Mom to get comfortable with me doing it. When she first came to live here, I would tell her it was time to bathe and oh, we would fight! She would do it though because I told her that her mom taught her to bathe once a week.

Over time it got to the point where I had to go in with her and remind her of the steps because she couldn't remember what she had just done. Then it progressed to me doing the bathing completely. This progression has all happened since May of last year and I'm just wondering when/what the next step will be.

At this point, Mom can still walk around with no problem and takes no medication - never has. She's in stage 6 except she can still eat by herself as long as I put it in front of her and she is not incontinent but her toilet habits are not always the greatest and every once in awhile she totally forgets how to use the toilet and what to do with the paper.

So, the next stage - will it be bathing her in bed because she can no longer get out of it?

Thanks for your response Christina 28. The health care aide is being paid for by Medicare right now. It's just one less thing I have to deal with right now. I will take careful note of what they do. However, he seems to be more agreeable outside help. Maybe he thinks they carry more authority than I do.

Not every day--but now I'm thinking it would be a very nice idea--I put Mother's robe in the dryer to heat it up while she's in the bathroom first thing.
Sweisner: the comfortable procedure for your circumstances can be developed. What did you notice about what the nurses did? I'm sure they would be happy to instruct you. It was probably a simple, but tried and true technique. That is why I wrote the procedure for my caregivers. The job gets done efficiently, quickly, and is painless for my Mother.
The hand-held shower head is absolutely necessary, and the bench gives safety as well as comfort for the bather and bathee! All the Best to you:) Hugs

A towel warmer. What a great idea!! I remember how Mom liked putting on pajamas that were fresh out of the dryer. Warm and cozy. :)

My husband with dementia would say I just took a shower yesterday. I am finally getting a home health aide for us. I noticed when he was in rehab recently that he responded better to the nurses than he did to me when it came to showers and shaving. We are going to install a shower seat and a hand-held shower spray. We already have safety bars. Thinking of investing in a towel warmer.

Yes, Miz--and WE are IT.
Good, Pirate. Start a new thread. I'll help however I can. We can use my Mother as a guinea pig. JUST KIDDING, animal rights people.
Talk to you soon:))) Hugs

Pirate, they really do need to address it in the schools. There are a LOT of baby boomers that will eventually need care. Sad but true.

WOW...going back a few pages see there was some excellent dialog in here about the morality issue. All I can say is could see both viewpoints..there were days I felt like Sylvester and there were days I was like Caregiver 101. You know what makes it harrowing is no one is taught about any of this...there is no help to find out how to do any of this when it first embarks upon you...or some may have monetary situations or they are alone. Some might have the resources to perfectly handle the situation, they don't have to work, they don't have to juggle monies..etc. For those it might be a little easier..but each can only handle what they can handle..some can handle a little less. It would be great if the schools would add this to part of their curriculum..what if the kids of today knew what to expect on later in life...this is very stressful.. You cannot roll around your parent in the bed like you can a baby. Christina I agree that parents that have personality issues comes out again in Dementia even worse. I am going to do a poll here about that..I have hunch. I have seen no one write upon that subject as of yet.
Trickey...I understand your sentiments as well.

Whoo Hoo! JAM! I love ya, Babe! We're here because we're here, because we're here, because we're heeeerrrrrrre!
ON BATHING, ACCORDING TO CHRISTINA, FOR HER MOTHER, IN HER MOTHER'S SHOWER: This is what I typed up for the caregivers who give me a morning break once a week; otherwise, I give my Mother her shower, because I am the most efficient with this procedure, since I developed it.
It is a blow by blow description, and as you follow along, you may think I am WAY TOO detail oriented, a complete nutcase, or you may find the visual helpful to your own person's bathing needs. The bathroom downstairs is small, and the shower is a 3'X3' area, with a hand-held shower head attachment. I leave the shower door open, facing into the shower to wash her; right behind me is the toilet.
I will forgo the part about removing her hearing aids and glasses FIRST, and gathering her individual items of clothing and putting on the hook behind the door so you don't have to open the door and go get them when she is wet and cold. We all know that... ORGANIZATION AND EFFICIENCY.
As she is sitting on toilet, remove her jammies, undies, slippers and socks. Remove Exelon patch, get a clean washcloth, adjust water, and help her into shower, reminding her to "step up high enough so she doesn't stub her toe on the 4" high dam. (she will probably do it, anyway)
Put a bath towel on floor, folded so you can unfold it into the shower for M to put her feet on after shower.
Wash her back, legs, arms and under arms with moisturizing body wash. Have her hold security bar with right hand and help her stand up to "wash her bottom". Rinse her front and back while she is standing, then have her sit down again. (Portable shower bench, available at any home medical supply store)
Finish by washing hair and a good final rinse all over, especially her privates.
Turn off water, grab one towel for head and upper body, put second over her lap covering her legs. WORK QUICKLY
Unfold the towel on floor into the shower and CAREFULLY put her feet on shower dam to dry her.
Dry her hair and upper body well and her legs, then take towel from legs and fold twice, put on toilet ( behind us) to finish drying her.
Help her out of shower, put her on toilet covered with towel. Use first towel to dry her back, under boobs, privates, and between toes.
Use Tom's Natural Deodorant under arms, put on fresh Exelon patch in new area, and put baby powder on privates. Use body moisturizer on her legs, arms, back and chest, after you put on the Exelon patch, or it will not stick well.
Put on bra and shirt. While she is still sitting on towel on toilet, put on her undies, pants, socks and shoes.
Stand her up, make sure her butt is dry, and pull up her pants.
Proceed to brushing and flossing her teeth.
The rest is her personal beauty treatment, that I have also devised, being an esthetician in my DBC. (days before caregiving)
If anyone is interested in any further procedures, I have 2 more, single spaced pages I am happy to share with any type of caregiver.
We are here to provide "helpful tips and guidance."
My Grandmother always said: Any Job Worth Doing is Worth
DOING WELL.
Hope someone found this helpful--oh islandmz, where are you?

Yalady, that's great! My daddy was also in a home the last two years of his life and although it was a little and old nursing home, it was a great place for him because the people cared. It was inexpensive and close by to my mom so she could be dropped off to spend the day with him. She was able to sleep peacefully at night and be with the love of her life all day.

I certainly don't love every minute of taking care of my mom and sometimes I wonder when this will all be over and I can get back to a normal life. That said, I'm trying to enjoy the time with her and my husband and I just work on keeping up with the ever changing issues as she progresses through the dementia.

I hope, as she as always wanted, that she goes in her sleep. If not, and things get bad enough, we'll find a nursing home/care center where they care and then I'll be happy being just her daughter again!

I posted the not bathing problem I had with my father in 09. For awhile we were able to get a shower with the help of my husband followed by a nice meal after the shower. I was lucky, but I can still remember my distress, anger, guilty feelings when trying to care for a man that had been very independent all of his life. I felt like I was an emotional wreck. My father is in a care center now. He was not able to walk at all any longer without assistance and after another emergency room visit for yet another urinary tract infection, he was sent to a care center and it was determined he was no longer able to live safely by himself.. He is now lives in the care center (nursing home seems to be a dirty word). I have to tell everyone here that not all nursing homes are bad, yes some are and maybe we are lucky, because his is very good. The care is excellent and he and I have a much better relationship. Nobody is angry and I have the peace of mind knowing he is safe. I do not feel guilty in any way. I am very grateful that my last memories with him will be pleasant ones. I wish everyone here the best, because I have walked in your shoes.

christina.....I didn't go very far back, but is islandmz even still around? The original post came from 2 yrs ago. Their loved one may have gone on to a better place......be that as it may I have noticed sometimes that others, when they post, are unable to see past their own situations and are unwilling to see things from someone's else's vantage point. Dark humor is a very apt term......when I commented that "put on the waders and dive right in".......we all know that a person in the throes of dementia is not going to comprehend when we beg, plead, cajole or whatever it is we do to get them to bathe, eat, etc. When I said I stripped the col naked and put her in the tub and scrubbed her clean.....I meant I took her into the bathroom, talked to her about being clean, helped her with her disrobing, wrapped a towel around her to allow her some modesty, filled the tub, got the washcloth all nice and soapy, handed it to her and said now wash your face, now your neck, wash your arms, and on and on. Then afterward I put a towel around her and used another one to dry her off, then lotion, new undies, clean clothes.....voila!!!!!! Squeaky clean!!!!!! Did that work? NO, it was another month when I finally threw my hands in the air, put her ass in the bathtub and the rest is history. I did not and will not run through a field of daisies while taking care of the col. It's hard work......by the end of the day my herniated neck and lower back are killing me....and all I want to do is sit in a dark room and rock back and forth. The constant explaining while looking into blank eyes is saddening to see.....but I continue to do it.....sometimes I have visions of me banging my head on the table and talking to myself. I am like you Christina, I am not ready to give up my life to care for someone who is not even my flesh and blood, but I do it because my husband has asked me to and I know that if she were put in a nursing home that would be the end of her life. So I will continue to care for her and I will sit with her and hold her hand when she finally reaches a point where she sees the light. But I WILL NOT stop yelling and moaning to those in this same situation, who keep me grounded, and out of the bottom of a bottle of narcotics and booze to numb the pain. And if you are not experiencing some type of mental or physical pain from caregiving.....then you aren't THERE yet baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was lurking.....but as you can see I'm not now.......:)

So, back to topic... Last week was the first time ever that someone else bathed Mom besides me. Yesterday I bathed her (it took months to get her settled into the routine without complaint) and she told me during "that feels good" and after she told me that she liked the way I do it better than that other lady. Woo hoo!!!

We are not here to judge each other. At least we should not be. We should be a brother/sisterhood. Not being nasty to one another. Everyone is different and every situation is different. Period.